Read Online The Book of Even More Awesome by Neil Pasricha - Free Book Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
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plains, it wasnât always pretty but when nature called, we answered.
Sadly, things are different now.
Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.
With our stadium seating, boardroom meetings , kidsâ soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didnât build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and squat in the corner . Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you could race to the pot?
Listen, Iâve been there too. Yes, itâs always a tight squeeze, with bouncing knees and gritted teeth, but we accept this trade-off in exchange for living in our bright and modern World of Pants . And a world where everybody wears pants is great, donât get me wrong. Itâs just that it cramps our style sometimes.
Thatâs why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. Itâs like millions of years of animalistic need bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms.
Itâs the bathroom equivalent of a primal scream and it feels oh so incredibly
AWESOME!
The night before a really big day
Stare at that ceiling.
Sweaty palms, white knuckles , deep breaths in bed.
Maybe the ringâs stowed away and the reservations are made. Maybe the results are coming in and everyoneâs coming over. Maybe youâre buttoning down for a new job or following your heart and leaving an old one.
Moonlight shines in your window as excitement bubbles in your brain.
Itâs almost here.
AWESOME!
Finding the perfect patch of grass to sit on at the park
Hereâs how to find that magic grass:
1. Dampness Double Check . Nobody likes a wet bottom. Keep your backside dry by spying classic signs like slightly dipped areas or permanently shady patches. May also be worth tapping the ground to check with your hand or do a five-second Practice Sit, which involves sitting down and staring straight ahead while activating the cold, wet sensors in your sweatpants.
2. Sticks and Stones . They may break your bones, but more important theyâre no fun to sit on. Plus, theyâre a dangerous omen of protruding tree roots, prickly weeds, and grassless patches of hard dirt. Stay away.
3. Temp Check . On hot days youâre looking for shady patches under tall trees, on cool days youâre scoping sunny spots by the sandbox, and sometimes you canât decide so you search for that perfect square of half-and-half.
4. Frisbee Lookout . Some parks have a lot of activities going on. Shaggy-haired dudes in hemp necklaces and bare feet toss Frisbees, dads play catch with their kids, and tiny toddlers in T-shirts and diapers run around playing Chase The Dog or Run Till You Faceplant. If youâre looking to relax, youâve got to avoid this happy chaos.
Sometimes those sunny Saturday afternoons are just begging for a casual walk to your local park. Grab a coffee, throw the kids in a stroller, or walk a dog with friends. As that breeze blows by just close your eyes and enjoy a few quiet minutes of relaxing and soaking it all in.
AWESOME!
When you hit the point where youâre comfortable farting around each other
I fart, you fart , he farts, she farts.
Letâs not deny it, people. Farting is a regular, healthy, and hilarious part of life. Squeezing out big plumes of noxious gas doesnât always smell good, but it generally feels mighty fine.
Now think back for a second to the last time you heard a tiny baby pop out a stinky heater . Iâm betting after they filled the air they just stared at you with a blank expression that seemed to say, âYeah, it was me. So what?â
And maybe thatâs a good thing.
Maybe when your boyfriendâs snuggling with you under the blanket and thereâs a few chirps from the back of his pants, thatâs good. Maybe when Grandpa leans back on his rocker and lets one rip during Sunday dinner,
Sadly, things are different now.
Most of the time our bladders are all locked up.
With our stadium seating, boardroom meetings , kidsâ soccer games, and smooth highway lanes, the one thing we didnât build in was an easy way to clear some leaves and squat in the corner . Honestly, how many times have you been looking for parking and circling the lot, waiting for a movie to wrap up the plot, or just fumbling with keys so you could race to the pot?
Listen, Iâve been there too. Yes, itâs always a tight squeeze, with bouncing knees and gritted teeth, but we accept this trade-off in exchange for living in our bright and modern World of Pants . And a world where everybody wears pants is great, donât get me wrong. Itâs just that it cramps our style sometimes.
Thatâs why finally peeing after holding it forever feels so great. Itâs like millions of years of animalistic need bursting through the chains and restraints of modern social norms.
Itâs the bathroom equivalent of a primal scream and it feels oh so incredibly
AWESOME!
The night before a really big day
Stare at that ceiling.
Sweaty palms, white knuckles , deep breaths in bed.
Maybe the ringâs stowed away and the reservations are made. Maybe the results are coming in and everyoneâs coming over. Maybe youâre buttoning down for a new job or following your heart and leaving an old one.
Moonlight shines in your window as excitement bubbles in your brain.
Itâs almost here.
AWESOME!
Finding the perfect patch of grass to sit on at the park
Hereâs how to find that magic grass:
1. Dampness Double Check . Nobody likes a wet bottom. Keep your backside dry by spying classic signs like slightly dipped areas or permanently shady patches. May also be worth tapping the ground to check with your hand or do a five-second Practice Sit, which involves sitting down and staring straight ahead while activating the cold, wet sensors in your sweatpants.
2. Sticks and Stones . They may break your bones, but more important theyâre no fun to sit on. Plus, theyâre a dangerous omen of protruding tree roots, prickly weeds, and grassless patches of hard dirt. Stay away.
3. Temp Check . On hot days youâre looking for shady patches under tall trees, on cool days youâre scoping sunny spots by the sandbox, and sometimes you canât decide so you search for that perfect square of half-and-half.
4. Frisbee Lookout . Some parks have a lot of activities going on. Shaggy-haired dudes in hemp necklaces and bare feet toss Frisbees, dads play catch with their kids, and tiny toddlers in T-shirts and diapers run around playing Chase The Dog or Run Till You Faceplant. If youâre looking to relax, youâve got to avoid this happy chaos.
Sometimes those sunny Saturday afternoons are just begging for a casual walk to your local park. Grab a coffee, throw the kids in a stroller, or walk a dog with friends. As that breeze blows by just close your eyes and enjoy a few quiet minutes of relaxing and soaking it all in.
AWESOME!
When you hit the point where youâre comfortable farting around each other
I fart, you fart , he farts, she farts.
Letâs not deny it, people. Farting is a regular, healthy, and hilarious part of life. Squeezing out big plumes of noxious gas doesnât always smell good, but it generally feels mighty fine.
Now think back for a second to the last time you heard a tiny baby pop out a stinky heater . Iâm betting after they filled the air they just stared at you with a blank expression that seemed to say, âYeah, it was me. So what?â
And maybe thatâs a good thing.
Maybe when your boyfriendâs snuggling with you under the blanket and thereâs a few chirps from the back of his pants, thatâs good. Maybe when Grandpa leans back on his rocker and lets one rip during Sunday dinner,
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