was talking about.
Shahid ( to Chad ) Did you tell Riaz?
Chad ( pointedly ) It ain’t him nuisancing me right now.
Shahid Who do you mean?
Chad You holding something back, Shahid?
Shahid Listen, Chad – you know, brother, the first time we met, an’ I told you that as a Paki, I went through a lot of shit? I wanted to say to you, Trev –
Chad Did you call me Trev?
Shahid Yeah, I was trying to say –
Chad No more Trev. Me a Muslim. Like Mohammed Ali. We don’t apologise for ourselves. We are people who say one important thing – that pleasure and self-absorption isn’t everything.
Hat Riaz says it is a bottomless basket.
Chad Ain’t that a wicked phrase? One pleasure – unless there are strong limits – can only lead to another. Until we become beasts. The people paint their faces.
Shahid What?
Chad They wear aftershave. And they paint their faces. What happened to the clothes I gave you?
Shahid I was too cold.
Chad You hear the Iranians planning to put the fatwa on the writer?
Shahid What’s a fatwa?
Chad That when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner – like what I did against that racist.
Hat Only it green.
Chad What?
Hat Allah is green, so his sword is green – you know, the colour of fertile land.
Chad Yeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.
Hat What confirmation?
Chad ( stating the obvious ) We have been given a miraculous sign.
Hat We blessed! What sort of sign?
Chad An arrow.
Shahid An arrow?
Chad Yeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.
Hat What type of arrow?
Chad I’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.
Hat How can you plant an egg?
Chad You fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.
Tahira enters with the aubergine on a silver salver. She places it in the middle of the room and begins circumambulating, followed by streams of others .
Tahira God has granted me the sight. Thanks to Shahid.
Hat It’s true, Shahid! You can see the arrow!
Chad Pointing straight at Islington.
Shahid How do you know it’s Islington?
Chad It where the writer live.
Shahid My room’s going to be wrecked by all these people.
Riaz enters, as the ‘pilgrims’ begin chanting .
Riaz As-salaam a-leikum , Shahid. You see how far-reaching is the power of Allah.
Shahid I didn’t realise Allah was vegetarian.
Riaz clocks Shahid momentarily, then laughs .
Riaz You have a good way with your words. ( Taking Shahid aside .) Our people, most of them are from villages, half-literate and not wanted here. These miracles give them a voice in this land of so-called free expression. We who are educated, it is our duty to give this miracle a shape. I understand the Ayatollah is getting ready to make a big announcement.
Shahid Do you know what the fatwa will say?
Riaz It is a call to all Muslims to defend the faith against blasphemers.
Shahid What does that mean?
Riaz Surely it is obvious. The fatwa requires us to take whatever action is necessary. Just like the action we took against the racists. That writer insults us. To be against racism is to also be against blasphemers. I can see this troubles you, Shahid. Let us discuss this openly, like a family. I will tell all the brothers to assemble
Shahid ( to Chad ) Did you tell Riaz?
Chad ( pointedly ) It ain’t him nuisancing me right now.
Shahid Who do you mean?
Chad You holding something back, Shahid?
Shahid Listen, Chad – you know, brother, the first time we met, an’ I told you that as a Paki, I went through a lot of shit? I wanted to say to you, Trev –
Chad Did you call me Trev?
Shahid Yeah, I was trying to say –
Chad No more Trev. Me a Muslim. Like Mohammed Ali. We don’t apologise for ourselves. We are people who say one important thing – that pleasure and self-absorption isn’t everything.
Hat Riaz says it is a bottomless basket.
Chad Ain’t that a wicked phrase? One pleasure – unless there are strong limits – can only lead to another. Until we become beasts. The people paint their faces.
Shahid What?
Chad They wear aftershave. And they paint their faces. What happened to the clothes I gave you?
Shahid I was too cold.
Chad You hear the Iranians planning to put the fatwa on the writer?
Shahid What’s a fatwa?
Chad That when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner – like what I did against that racist.
Hat Only it green.
Chad What?
Hat Allah is green, so his sword is green – you know, the colour of fertile land.
Chad Yeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.
Hat What confirmation?
Chad ( stating the obvious ) We have been given a miraculous sign.
Hat We blessed! What sort of sign?
Chad An arrow.
Shahid An arrow?
Chad Yeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.
Hat What type of arrow?
Chad I’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.
Hat How can you plant an egg?
Chad You fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.
Tahira enters with the aubergine on a silver salver. She places it in the middle of the room and begins circumambulating, followed by streams of others .
Tahira God has granted me the sight. Thanks to Shahid.
Hat It’s true, Shahid! You can see the arrow!
Chad Pointing straight at Islington.
Shahid How do you know it’s Islington?
Chad It where the writer live.
Shahid My room’s going to be wrecked by all these people.
Riaz enters, as the ‘pilgrims’ begin chanting .
Riaz As-salaam a-leikum , Shahid. You see how far-reaching is the power of Allah.
Shahid I didn’t realise Allah was vegetarian.
Riaz clocks Shahid momentarily, then laughs .
Riaz You have a good way with your words. ( Taking Shahid aside .) Our people, most of them are from villages, half-literate and not wanted here. These miracles give them a voice in this land of so-called free expression. We who are educated, it is our duty to give this miracle a shape. I understand the Ayatollah is getting ready to make a big announcement.
Shahid Do you know what the fatwa will say?
Riaz It is a call to all Muslims to defend the faith against blasphemers.
Shahid What does that mean?
Riaz Surely it is obvious. The fatwa requires us to take whatever action is necessary. Just like the action we took against the racists. That writer insults us. To be against racism is to also be against blasphemers. I can see this troubles you, Shahid. Let us discuss this openly, like a family. I will tell all the brothers to assemble
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