Read Online The Best You'll Ever Have by Valerie Frankel, Shannon Mullen - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Valerie Frankel, Shannon Mullen
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they something we don’t realize we’re doing until we think about it. For many women, they don’t happen easily, by rote, or at all.
You have to learn how to have one (which can be a lot harder than learning how to fake one). We get this knowledge filtered through the media—movies, books, music—but mainly we learn how to have orgasms by hands-on experience with a partner or alone. It is not, I repeat, something that just happens for most women without the process of learning how to do it. Despite this, many Safina Salon goers have asked me why we need to learn about sex on purpose.
One of our first customers, Angela, a 40-something no-nonsense woman from a middle-class suburb in New Jersey, attended a Safina Salon out of curiosity. When she realized there was going to be lots of discussion instead of passive entertainment, she said, “I’m not comfortable talking about sex and I don’t see why we need to.” After that she sat back quietly listening to me and her friends talk about all sorts of things. When I was saying goodbye to her she said, “I’ve been having sex for about twenty years more or less but I learned a lot tonight that I’m looking forward to trying.” Weeks later she gave me a call and said she was sorry she’d been so negative when she first met me. “After hearing my friends talk I think maybe I just need to be a little more open-minded. I think I’d kind of given up on the idea of having orgasms and I figured it was just me.” The information gathered at the salon—anatomy lessons, sexual tips from friends, introduction to toys—did the trick. She said she’d been figuring out what worked for her since the Salon, that she was having more orgasms now, and that that was putting her “in the mood” a lot more often. “I’m just feeling great. Plus my husband is thrilled with my interest. We’ve been having a ball together, so I just want to say thank you!” Now, of course, she’s hungry for knowledge.
Why doesn’t he just know what to do?
The guy I’m dating has no clue what I like. But I’m afraid to move, or guide his hand. He might think I’m a slut, or be intimidated if I do anything. I keep hoping that he’ll catch on by the noises I make. I tried to make it clear what wasn’t working but he cannot take the hint. I thought it would get better over time, but it hasn’t. And now, after all this time, if I did say something, he might feel betrayed.
Now I’m stuck. —Amanda, 32
Amanda has been faking for so long, she can’t even remember what sex is like without faking. This is the worst possible pattern to fall into, but Amanda’s situation is fairly common. A 2002 survey by Cosmopolitan Magazine found that two-thirds of the participants had faked an orgasm. The two biggest reasons women aren’t having orgasms with their partners are:
THEY ARE AFRAID TO GIVE THEIR PARTNER HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS.
THEY ARE AFRAID TO TOUCH THEMSELVES
URING SEX.
In both cases, what ruins their fun is fear.
Amanda, and thousands of women like her, get into bed afraid of what will go wrong, instead of excited about what will go right. She’s terrified about being greedy for pleasure. She’s afraid that her partner will think she’s a pervert or slut if she tells him what to do or (God forbid) shows him by touching herself; that even the slightest suggestion that he isn’t hitting the right spot will make him cower, shrink, or cry like a baby; that the male ego is an eggshell; or that he’ll resent her desire for satisfaction and think of her as demanding and selfish, whether it’s for more time and less pressure or for him to do a certain thing.
I may sound combative, but I don’t mean to. I know women are under a lot of pressure to get a man and to keep him. I have a mother who wants grandchildren. I understand exactly what it feels like to want to hold onto a man and to be afraid of losing him. But I also know that sacrificing your sexual satisfaction will not keep him
You have to learn how to have one (which can be a lot harder than learning how to fake one). We get this knowledge filtered through the media—movies, books, music—but mainly we learn how to have orgasms by hands-on experience with a partner or alone. It is not, I repeat, something that just happens for most women without the process of learning how to do it. Despite this, many Safina Salon goers have asked me why we need to learn about sex on purpose.
One of our first customers, Angela, a 40-something no-nonsense woman from a middle-class suburb in New Jersey, attended a Safina Salon out of curiosity. When she realized there was going to be lots of discussion instead of passive entertainment, she said, “I’m not comfortable talking about sex and I don’t see why we need to.” After that she sat back quietly listening to me and her friends talk about all sorts of things. When I was saying goodbye to her she said, “I’ve been having sex for about twenty years more or less but I learned a lot tonight that I’m looking forward to trying.” Weeks later she gave me a call and said she was sorry she’d been so negative when she first met me. “After hearing my friends talk I think maybe I just need to be a little more open-minded. I think I’d kind of given up on the idea of having orgasms and I figured it was just me.” The information gathered at the salon—anatomy lessons, sexual tips from friends, introduction to toys—did the trick. She said she’d been figuring out what worked for her since the Salon, that she was having more orgasms now, and that that was putting her “in the mood” a lot more often. “I’m just feeling great. Plus my husband is thrilled with my interest. We’ve been having a ball together, so I just want to say thank you!” Now, of course, she’s hungry for knowledge.
Why doesn’t he just know what to do?
The guy I’m dating has no clue what I like. But I’m afraid to move, or guide his hand. He might think I’m a slut, or be intimidated if I do anything. I keep hoping that he’ll catch on by the noises I make. I tried to make it clear what wasn’t working but he cannot take the hint. I thought it would get better over time, but it hasn’t. And now, after all this time, if I did say something, he might feel betrayed.
Now I’m stuck. —Amanda, 32
Amanda has been faking for so long, she can’t even remember what sex is like without faking. This is the worst possible pattern to fall into, but Amanda’s situation is fairly common. A 2002 survey by Cosmopolitan Magazine found that two-thirds of the participants had faked an orgasm. The two biggest reasons women aren’t having orgasms with their partners are:
THEY ARE AFRAID TO GIVE THEIR PARTNER HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS.
THEY ARE AFRAID TO TOUCH THEMSELVES
URING SEX.
In both cases, what ruins their fun is fear.
Amanda, and thousands of women like her, get into bed afraid of what will go wrong, instead of excited about what will go right. She’s terrified about being greedy for pleasure. She’s afraid that her partner will think she’s a pervert or slut if she tells him what to do or (God forbid) shows him by touching herself; that even the slightest suggestion that he isn’t hitting the right spot will make him cower, shrink, or cry like a baby; that the male ego is an eggshell; or that he’ll resent her desire for satisfaction and think of her as demanding and selfish, whether it’s for more time and less pressure or for him to do a certain thing.
I may sound combative, but I don’t mean to. I know women are under a lot of pressure to get a man and to keep him. I have a mother who wants grandchildren. I understand exactly what it feels like to want to hold onto a man and to be afraid of losing him. But I also know that sacrificing your sexual satisfaction will not keep him
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