Read Online The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B by J.P. Donleavy - Free Book Online
Authors: J.P. Donleavy
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heavy running footsteps. A loud scream. Six times. And six more times. And then the footsteps running and followed by silence.
"That's Beefy, Masterdon."
And the dormitory figures stood on their beds waiting. Beefy strode back in neither sad nor glad. Followed by whimpering Duffer and Jones. Who ducked and cowered between the beds as they were made run the gauntlet of knots and wet tips of snapping towels. When lights out to snuggle up to one's knees in darkness. Ahead a cold grey Monday. Of Latin cases, isosceles triangles, and the triumph of England at Waterloo.
At the evil sad time of four o'clock Balthazar and Beefy were summoned to headmaster's office. The oar and cricket bat back up on the wall. Debrett safely on the shelf, a wide crack down its spine.
"All right boys. Stand there. Would you kindly take a seat over there Mr. Crunch and you there, please Mr. Slouch. Now I'm not going to waste time explaining the enormity of the offences and why they merit the measures they do. We know that without rules chaps would be waltzing naked in Piccadilly. But before proceeding I would like to ask you number sixty four to recite the canons of this school. Indeed if you know them."
"Be respectful at all times to masters. Do not tease younger playfellows. Be kind and attentive to elderly people. Do no mean or sneaking thing. Be always open, cordial, honest, manly. Be at all times clean of ear, teeth and heels."
"Yes. Quite. But you have forgotten something."
"O. Don't spit bone or other substances caught in the teeth back on to the plate."
"Well that's certainly not done but it is not in fact a canon of this school."
"Pure thoughts and deeds sir."
"Good."
"Sir I feel sick. And am about to disgorge."
"Get out of here this instant then and come back."
"Thank you sir."
Beefy quickly exiting out the door. Slouch grunting. Headmaster taking his pince nez from his nose and pursing his lips.
"Well now fifty seven, your little princeling friend seems suddenly to have got a weak stomach. From what we hear of him it's certainly not his normal condition. I think we are all a little excited and bewildered. With this rather disquieting situation. I don't like much of what I've been hearing. But it would appear that you are being led by a boy much advanced in chicanery. The fact that he is to be sent down and you are to stay should be of no encouragement, let me assure you of that. Have you anything to say."
"Sir he is my friend. And I do not care to listen to what you might say about him."
"Noble of you, I'm sure. Cheeky too. We of course would not expect you to rat on your friend. But we want straight answers. Have you engaged with number sixty four or others in activities which might involve your being in the same bed with another."
The door suddenly opening. Beefy reappearing.
"Don't answer that Balthazar."
"How dare you come in like that without knocking. Stand right there and be quiet. I repeat to you fifty seven, have you engaged with sixty four or others in activities in the same bed."
"I refuse to answer, sir."
"Do you realize I may have you sent down for refusing to answer."
"Yes sir."
"Well are you going to answer then."
"No sir."
"Very well. We'll take up that matter later. Sixty four. I have here your diary. Is that correct."
"Yes sir."
"What is the meaning then of these smutty homosexual poems."
"What poems sir."
"Do you wish me to read them."
"Yes sir."
"I would eschew such a tricky little pose as you are at- tempting here sixty four. Don't try it on with me. Have you engaged in smutty behaviour."
"I have sir. I frolic at request with the big boys sir."
"It's clear then that what Mr. Slouch says is true, you are completely without conscience."
"I have always enjoyed sexual activities sir, my tutor said one must always uphold freedom of the flesh."
"That's quite enough out of you. Needless to say your guardian has been written to. And your trustees. And your removal from this school at the
"That's Beefy, Masterdon."
And the dormitory figures stood on their beds waiting. Beefy strode back in neither sad nor glad. Followed by whimpering Duffer and Jones. Who ducked and cowered between the beds as they were made run the gauntlet of knots and wet tips of snapping towels. When lights out to snuggle up to one's knees in darkness. Ahead a cold grey Monday. Of Latin cases, isosceles triangles, and the triumph of England at Waterloo.
At the evil sad time of four o'clock Balthazar and Beefy were summoned to headmaster's office. The oar and cricket bat back up on the wall. Debrett safely on the shelf, a wide crack down its spine.
"All right boys. Stand there. Would you kindly take a seat over there Mr. Crunch and you there, please Mr. Slouch. Now I'm not going to waste time explaining the enormity of the offences and why they merit the measures they do. We know that without rules chaps would be waltzing naked in Piccadilly. But before proceeding I would like to ask you number sixty four to recite the canons of this school. Indeed if you know them."
"Be respectful at all times to masters. Do not tease younger playfellows. Be kind and attentive to elderly people. Do no mean or sneaking thing. Be always open, cordial, honest, manly. Be at all times clean of ear, teeth and heels."
"Yes. Quite. But you have forgotten something."
"O. Don't spit bone or other substances caught in the teeth back on to the plate."
"Well that's certainly not done but it is not in fact a canon of this school."
"Pure thoughts and deeds sir."
"Good."
"Sir I feel sick. And am about to disgorge."
"Get out of here this instant then and come back."
"Thank you sir."
Beefy quickly exiting out the door. Slouch grunting. Headmaster taking his pince nez from his nose and pursing his lips.
"Well now fifty seven, your little princeling friend seems suddenly to have got a weak stomach. From what we hear of him it's certainly not his normal condition. I think we are all a little excited and bewildered. With this rather disquieting situation. I don't like much of what I've been hearing. But it would appear that you are being led by a boy much advanced in chicanery. The fact that he is to be sent down and you are to stay should be of no encouragement, let me assure you of that. Have you anything to say."
"Sir he is my friend. And I do not care to listen to what you might say about him."
"Noble of you, I'm sure. Cheeky too. We of course would not expect you to rat on your friend. But we want straight answers. Have you engaged with number sixty four or others in activities which might involve your being in the same bed with another."
The door suddenly opening. Beefy reappearing.
"Don't answer that Balthazar."
"How dare you come in like that without knocking. Stand right there and be quiet. I repeat to you fifty seven, have you engaged with sixty four or others in activities in the same bed."
"I refuse to answer, sir."
"Do you realize I may have you sent down for refusing to answer."
"Yes sir."
"Well are you going to answer then."
"No sir."
"Very well. We'll take up that matter later. Sixty four. I have here your diary. Is that correct."
"Yes sir."
"What is the meaning then of these smutty homosexual poems."
"What poems sir."
"Do you wish me to read them."
"Yes sir."
"I would eschew such a tricky little pose as you are at- tempting here sixty four. Don't try it on with me. Have you engaged in smutty behaviour."
"I have sir. I frolic at request with the big boys sir."
"It's clear then that what Mr. Slouch says is true, you are completely without conscience."
"I have always enjoyed sexual activities sir, my tutor said one must always uphold freedom of the flesh."
"That's quite enough out of you. Needless to say your guardian has been written to. And your trustees. And your removal from this school at the
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