“You can’t tell anybody.”
“What?”
“Jerry, please. Don’t tell anybody. Okay, man? My mom and dad will literally kill me.”
“Hey, Hutch, calm down. I’m not gonna say anything to anybody.” My anger quickly vanished, replaced by regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything. It’s just that… why didn’t you tell me? Huh? I thought we were friends.”
“Tell you I’m gay? After hearing the way you put down ‘fags’?”
“But that’s what’s so weird. You put down fags too. Sorry, I mean, gays.”
“That was just a cover. I had to say something to keep you and all the other dudes from getting suspicious.” The strength seemed to flow out of Hutch’s legs. He sat down heavily on the concrete floor of the basketball court. “I got caught at Holy Madonna in the restroom, kissing this other guy. They kicked us both out.”
“But… the marijuana—”
“My dad came up with that story. He’d rather people think I’m a junkie than a faggot. It was awful, man, when I got home that day. My mom was so mad she went wild, screaming all this hateful stuff at me. Dad beat me with his fists, like he thought he could pound me straight or something. The only reason he stopped is because my mom came at me with a baseball bat and he had to hold her off. They said if they find out I’ve been with a guy again, they’ll kick me out of the house.”
I was stunned. My eyes went round, and I don’t think I blinked for nearly a minute. It took that long before I was able to speak again. “Damn, Hutch. That’s messed up. But after all that, you go and join some kind of gay society? You’re still messing around with other dudes?”
“You can’t understand this, Jerry. You don’t know what it’s like. You think your parents are tough? I don’t even feel like I can breathe around my mom and dad. That’s how bad it gets. They stuck me in those Catholic schools. Hell, we’re Methodists. Why send me to Catholic schools when I just want to go to regular school like everybody else? And ever since I got caught kissing that guy, they’ve been in some kind of denial. They want to believe I was just experimenting with the whole gay thing, like it’s something that will go away if I don’t touch another dude again. They want to control my every move.”
I scratched my head, a skeptical squint on my face. “Okay. I get the whole rebel-against-my-strict-parents thing. But I still don’t understand why you’d go and join some kind of gay club when you don’t want anybody to know what you’re into. Why not keep a low profile until you graduate and get out of your folks’ house?”
“I get tired of feeling so alone, man,” Hutch said. “At home, at school, I can’t really be myself. Nobody gets me. Nobody understands. Sometimes it feels like I’ll go crazy holding everything in. Sometimes I just need to have somebody I can talk to who won’t put me down for what I’m feeling, for who I am. That’s why I joined the MLGBT Teen Society. I can hang out with other kids like me.”
“It still seems like you’re taking an awfully big risk, man, joining up with a gay club and letting them put your name on some membership list.”
Some new thought seemed to hit Hutch. He gave me a suspicious look. “That list is supposed to be private. How’d you get it?”
A little uneasy grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. “I sort of stole it.”
“From who?”
“Never mind who.” I was already in enough trouble with Dylan. I folded the list and tucked it into the inner pocket of my jacket. Then I sat down in front of Hutch, crossing my legs under me. “I still wish you had told me you’re gay, man. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have said all that bad stuff about homo—”
“Dude, you don’t have a clue what it’s like,” Hutch broke in, “always being afraid that somebody’s gonna find out. I didn’t know if I could trust you. This is a small town. You know how it is
“What?”
“Jerry, please. Don’t tell anybody. Okay, man? My mom and dad will literally kill me.”
“Hey, Hutch, calm down. I’m not gonna say anything to anybody.” My anger quickly vanished, replaced by regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything. It’s just that… why didn’t you tell me? Huh? I thought we were friends.”
“Tell you I’m gay? After hearing the way you put down ‘fags’?”
“But that’s what’s so weird. You put down fags too. Sorry, I mean, gays.”
“That was just a cover. I had to say something to keep you and all the other dudes from getting suspicious.” The strength seemed to flow out of Hutch’s legs. He sat down heavily on the concrete floor of the basketball court. “I got caught at Holy Madonna in the restroom, kissing this other guy. They kicked us both out.”
“But… the marijuana—”
“My dad came up with that story. He’d rather people think I’m a junkie than a faggot. It was awful, man, when I got home that day. My mom was so mad she went wild, screaming all this hateful stuff at me. Dad beat me with his fists, like he thought he could pound me straight or something. The only reason he stopped is because my mom came at me with a baseball bat and he had to hold her off. They said if they find out I’ve been with a guy again, they’ll kick me out of the house.”
I was stunned. My eyes went round, and I don’t think I blinked for nearly a minute. It took that long before I was able to speak again. “Damn, Hutch. That’s messed up. But after all that, you go and join some kind of gay society? You’re still messing around with other dudes?”
“You can’t understand this, Jerry. You don’t know what it’s like. You think your parents are tough? I don’t even feel like I can breathe around my mom and dad. That’s how bad it gets. They stuck me in those Catholic schools. Hell, we’re Methodists. Why send me to Catholic schools when I just want to go to regular school like everybody else? And ever since I got caught kissing that guy, they’ve been in some kind of denial. They want to believe I was just experimenting with the whole gay thing, like it’s something that will go away if I don’t touch another dude again. They want to control my every move.”
I scratched my head, a skeptical squint on my face. “Okay. I get the whole rebel-against-my-strict-parents thing. But I still don’t understand why you’d go and join some kind of gay club when you don’t want anybody to know what you’re into. Why not keep a low profile until you graduate and get out of your folks’ house?”
“I get tired of feeling so alone, man,” Hutch said. “At home, at school, I can’t really be myself. Nobody gets me. Nobody understands. Sometimes it feels like I’ll go crazy holding everything in. Sometimes I just need to have somebody I can talk to who won’t put me down for what I’m feeling, for who I am. That’s why I joined the MLGBT Teen Society. I can hang out with other kids like me.”
“It still seems like you’re taking an awfully big risk, man, joining up with a gay club and letting them put your name on some membership list.”
Some new thought seemed to hit Hutch. He gave me a suspicious look. “That list is supposed to be private. How’d you get it?”
A little uneasy grin tugged at the corner of my mouth. “I sort of stole it.”
“From who?”
“Never mind who.” I was already in enough trouble with Dylan. I folded the list and tucked it into the inner pocket of my jacket. Then I sat down in front of Hutch, crossing my legs under me. “I still wish you had told me you’re gay, man. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have said all that bad stuff about homo—”
“Dude, you don’t have a clue what it’s like,” Hutch broke in, “always being afraid that somebody’s gonna find out. I didn’t know if I could trust you. This is a small town. You know how it is
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