self-centerednessâthe ground of all our judgments, fears, and limiting beliefsâand it literally guarantees our unhappiness. This keeps us caught in our emotions, particularly anger, fear, and despair, which cut us off from living from our true openhearted nature. Anger, for example, is rooted in aversion to life, and it separates us from others.
Paradoxically, even though these separating emotions are a prescription for unhappiness, we often donât want to give them up. In our misguided quest for personal happiness (in contrast to deeper or more genuine happiness), we believe that these emotions will somehow serve us. For example, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, we continue to believe that anger will help protect us and empower us in getting what we want. We also love being right, because we like the juiciness and the false sense of power that accompanies our self-righteousness. Unfortunately, we would often rather feel right than be happy. But like all of the disconnecting emotions, this leaves us with the unsatisfying feeling of being separateâwhich guarantees unhappiness.
Interestingly, even if we are not caught in our emotions or not feeling particularly unhappy, we may still not experience genuine happiness. In other words, we can be gliding along through life with good health, a decent job, and satisfactory relationships, but still be far from experiencing the deeper sense of equanimity and appreciation that are the result of living more authentically. When weâre caught up in the complacency of our routines, living our life on autopilot, we may be somewhat buffered from being actively unhappy. Yet weâre still skating on thinice. Sooner or later, however, the anxious quiver in our being will come to the surface, and we may feel the ache of the emptiness of our pursuits or the nagging feeling that something is missing.
W HY W E S TAY S TUCK
The real question we need to ask ourselves is, âWhy do we continue to follow behaviors that donât bring us real happiness?â The answer lies in the basic human condition: We are born with the survival instinct for safety, security, and control; we are also born with an aversion to discomfort and a natural desire for comfort and pleasure. These basic human predispositions are bound to dictate our behaviors, as we can clearly see by looking at two-year-olds. Although thereâs nothing wrong with trying to be safe or comfortable, the problem is one of priorities: when our survival mode is prioritized, our other natural urgesâcuriosity, appreciation, and living from our true openhearted natureâare pushed aside. Consequently, we live increasingly from our small self, believing that our survival-based behavior strategies of trying harder or people-pleasing will make us happy. Yet ironically, these very behaviors, along with our many addictive behaviors, starting with our addictions to pleasure and diversions, often bring us the most dissatisfaction.
In themselves, pleasure and diversions are fine, and they can certainly make us feel good. But pursuing our addictive behaviors is the very essence of the human tendency to misunderstand happiness. We follow these seductive behaviors because they seem to promise us happiness. And to some degree, they fulfill their promise in that we feel happy when we experience sensual pleasure or the hit of endorphins. But the fulfillment of thatpromise is always temporary, and it is always based on a temporarily benevolent external environment. As long as the environment doesnât turn against us, we think our life is okay, and we donât do anything to change the situation. Nor do we address the underlying unease out of which the addictive behaviors arise. After all, why upset the applecart when things seem to be okay? We may glide along, feeling good for a time, but because we havenât addressed that hole of neediness inside, we will feel the compulsion to cover it over with
Paradoxically, even though these separating emotions are a prescription for unhappiness, we often donât want to give them up. In our misguided quest for personal happiness (in contrast to deeper or more genuine happiness), we believe that these emotions will somehow serve us. For example, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, we continue to believe that anger will help protect us and empower us in getting what we want. We also love being right, because we like the juiciness and the false sense of power that accompanies our self-righteousness. Unfortunately, we would often rather feel right than be happy. But like all of the disconnecting emotions, this leaves us with the unsatisfying feeling of being separateâwhich guarantees unhappiness.
Interestingly, even if we are not caught in our emotions or not feeling particularly unhappy, we may still not experience genuine happiness. In other words, we can be gliding along through life with good health, a decent job, and satisfactory relationships, but still be far from experiencing the deeper sense of equanimity and appreciation that are the result of living more authentically. When weâre caught up in the complacency of our routines, living our life on autopilot, we may be somewhat buffered from being actively unhappy. Yet weâre still skating on thinice. Sooner or later, however, the anxious quiver in our being will come to the surface, and we may feel the ache of the emptiness of our pursuits or the nagging feeling that something is missing.
W HY W E S TAY S TUCK
The real question we need to ask ourselves is, âWhy do we continue to follow behaviors that donât bring us real happiness?â The answer lies in the basic human condition: We are born with the survival instinct for safety, security, and control; we are also born with an aversion to discomfort and a natural desire for comfort and pleasure. These basic human predispositions are bound to dictate our behaviors, as we can clearly see by looking at two-year-olds. Although thereâs nothing wrong with trying to be safe or comfortable, the problem is one of priorities: when our survival mode is prioritized, our other natural urgesâcuriosity, appreciation, and living from our true openhearted natureâare pushed aside. Consequently, we live increasingly from our small self, believing that our survival-based behavior strategies of trying harder or people-pleasing will make us happy. Yet ironically, these very behaviors, along with our many addictive behaviors, starting with our addictions to pleasure and diversions, often bring us the most dissatisfaction.
In themselves, pleasure and diversions are fine, and they can certainly make us feel good. But pursuing our addictive behaviors is the very essence of the human tendency to misunderstand happiness. We follow these seductive behaviors because they seem to promise us happiness. And to some degree, they fulfill their promise in that we feel happy when we experience sensual pleasure or the hit of endorphins. But the fulfillment of thatpromise is always temporary, and it is always based on a temporarily benevolent external environment. As long as the environment doesnât turn against us, we think our life is okay, and we donât do anything to change the situation. Nor do we address the underlying unease out of which the addictive behaviors arise. After all, why upset the applecart when things seem to be okay? We may glide along, feeling good for a time, but because we havenât addressed that hole of neediness inside, we will feel the compulsion to cover it over with
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