Read Online The Anchor by B.N. Toler - Free Book Online

relentless in ignoring me.
    “Little piece of advice . . .” John begins.
    “Yes . . .”
    “Let her go. Or, don’t pursue her. I’ve seen her turn down a fuck-ton of men since I’ve been with Edie. If she wants you, she’ll come to you.” The muscles in my jaw tighten. I hate the thought of men hitting on her all the time. And even though John says she’s turned them down, I can’t help but wonder what happens when he’s not there. Has she slept with anyone else? That’s a stupid and selfish thing to think, considering I’ve slept with other people since we were together, but I can’t help it.
    “Maybe if you act like you’re over it, she’ll wake the fuck up,” he continues.
    I nod. That makes sense. Obviously calling and texting hasn’t impressed her. Maybe appearing indifferent will make her look at me differently.
     

 

     
    I have never been so nervous in my life. John picked up Parker from the airport this morning and he’s somewhere in this house. As soon as I arrived, I practically sprinted to Edie’s room, praying like hell I wouldn’t bump into him. Edie’s in the bathroom, primping, and John is checking in with the party planner.
    When I ask Edie where Parker is, she says, “They got back a couple hours ago, but I’ve been in here getting ready so I haven’t seen him yet.”
    I nod as I plunk myself down on her bed, the frilly skirt of my dress spreading across the white comforter. “I know you’re nervous.” Edie sits beside me.
    “I’m okay,” I assure her with a weak smile.
    Taking my hand in hers, she squeezes it. “I don’t know Parker well, but Suit thinks the world of him. He’s a good man. He’ll help you.”
    “Help me how?” I ask, and there’s an edge to my tone as my emotions seize me in a death grip. Men will always let you down. I remember my self-taught mantra. “He lives in New York.”
    Edie turns to me, her white linen robe wrapped tightly around her waist. Her brown eyes are wide as she gives me a look that says, Listen to me. “I know you’re scared . . . for many reasons. But you have to give him a chance. Now, if he acts like a dick, I’ll be on him like a fly on shit.”
    I can’t help smiling. She rarely curses, and I’ve never heard her threaten to go after someone. That’s usually my role in the friendship. “If he acts like a dick, promise you’ll kick him in the balls.”
    Edie takes one hand and swipes it across her chest, crossing her heart. “He won’t walk or screw for months.”
    Taking a deep breath, and putting my nonsense aside, I stand and pull her to her feet. Today is about her; not me. “You need to get dressed.”

    A few days ago, Edie went with me to my first appointment. No one told me they were going to shove a miniature baseball bat inside me. That wasn’t pleasant. But we saw the tiny little being growing inside me. My baby. My future.
    Edie gushed as we listened to the heartbeat, but all I could do was stare numbly at the screen. I kept waiting for that moment to hit me, the one all women talk about when they see the image of their unborn child. The excitement and pure joy. But it never came. I hated myself in that moment. I hated that I couldn’t find the silver lining in all of this. Yes, my dreams are gone, but I am having a baby. So many people want a baby and can’t have one. I should be thanking God. But all I can see is my dreams dissipating and a beautiful child looking for me to love it in a way I’m not sure I can. This kid deserves everything that is wonderful, but what if I can’t give it that? What if I can’t hold it and kiss it like a good mother should? I never had that . . . kind of nurturing growing up. With a mother that bailed early on and my aloof father gone a lot, I was stuck with nannies that were never affectionate. They were there solely to make sure my basic needs were met; eating, cleaning, school, etc.
    Deep down, I do like the novelty of having a baby. I’ve imagined it in some