Read Online The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets by H. M. Charley Ada - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: H. M. Charley Ada
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different direction. “So… what was it like when God first came to you? I mean after you realized that you weren’t dreaming.”
“Well, like I said, we were on the sidewalk in Brooklyn. He said ‘Happy Birthday,’ even though he
knows
I don’t like to make a big deal about it, and then I asked him why he was a man.”
“Interesting.”
“He said that he is neither male nor female, but is all things at once. He said that he appeared to me as a man because that’s what I was expecting. I tried to argue with him, but I had to admit that deep down, even though I didn’t like it, he was right. Then I asked him a whole bunch of other questions.”
“Sounds familiar.”
“He answered most of them, but then he said that I might want to visit the Library. Wow Zack, that place was a trip!”
“Tell me about it.”
“It turns out that I was baptized and I never knew it!”
“Really?”
“Yes. My grandma did it when I was a baby. My parents were atheists too and they absolutely refused to let her, but she took me behind their backs when she was babysitting me one day!”
“That’s hilarious.”
“I know. Anyway, after the Library, I had the sudden urge to eat Easter candy.”
“Easter candy?”
“Yes. It was soooooo good!”
“Why Easter candy? Why not Halloween candy?”
“Phhhh. Don’t you know anything about candy? Halloween candy is crap. It’s just regular candy. Easter candy is special. It has different colors and shapes… different tastes. They don’t make it all-year round, you know, like those Cadbury eggs, with the crème filling? I even asked God to make new kinds of Easter candy for me to try – holy shit, so fuckin’ good.”
“What! No way. What kind of an atheist are you?!! You were baptized, you love Easter candy?”
“What can I say?”
“And now I find out that you love Mondelez, Inc.!”
“Mondo – what?”
“Mondelez. It’s the company that owns the Cadbury brand.”
“Phhhh!”
“But how could an evil corporation bring you so much happiness? I think deep down you’re really a kid at heart.”
“I don’t know.” Lilly’s face got serious again.
“Tell me,” Zack said, “what
were
you like as a kid?”
“Oh boy. This could take a while. I know, let’s sit down over there and I’ll show you.” She pointed to an empty bench in the nearby square.
They started to walk over, and Zack noticed that Lucky had disappeared. “Hey Lilly, where’d Lucky go?” he asked, looking around. “Luuuuucky!” he called out. “Wheeere aaaaare yooouuuuu?”
“Maybe he got bored. You know, we did just circle the same block like five times.”
“Oh wow, you’re right. I was so wrapped up in the conversation that I didn’t even realize.” He looked aroundagain. “Luuuuuuuucky!” he yelled as loud as he could. “Oh, never mind, there he is!”
Lucky came tearing around the corner, with what appeared to be Zack’s mother’s dishcloth in his mouth, only to stop five feet away and jump backwards in an attempt to entice Zack and Lilly into a chase.
“Lucky, come here!” Zack said, pretending to be mad.
Lucky settled down and slowly complied.
Zack took the dishcloth from Lucky’s mouth and examined it. It had blue and white checkers, with two large burn marks – just as Zack had thought. “It
is
my mom’s dishcloth. How the hell did Lucky find it here?” Zack looked at Lucky and could have sworn that for a second, his fur was white. “You don’t think… I mean, he’s only a dog?”
“You did tell me he’s a really smart dog.”
“I know, but still.”
They sat down on the bench and watched Lucky closely.
For a minute, nothing happened. Lucky just sat there looking at them. But when it became clear that Zack and Lilly were neither going to command him nor entertain him, Lucky’s attention drifted, and the next thing they knew, he was pawing at the air and rolling hotdogs onto the ground off of an invisible shelf a foot in front of his
“Well, like I said, we were on the sidewalk in Brooklyn. He said ‘Happy Birthday,’ even though he
knows
I don’t like to make a big deal about it, and then I asked him why he was a man.”
“Interesting.”
“He said that he is neither male nor female, but is all things at once. He said that he appeared to me as a man because that’s what I was expecting. I tried to argue with him, but I had to admit that deep down, even though I didn’t like it, he was right. Then I asked him a whole bunch of other questions.”
“Sounds familiar.”
“He answered most of them, but then he said that I might want to visit the Library. Wow Zack, that place was a trip!”
“Tell me about it.”
“It turns out that I was baptized and I never knew it!”
“Really?”
“Yes. My grandma did it when I was a baby. My parents were atheists too and they absolutely refused to let her, but she took me behind their backs when she was babysitting me one day!”
“That’s hilarious.”
“I know. Anyway, after the Library, I had the sudden urge to eat Easter candy.”
“Easter candy?”
“Yes. It was soooooo good!”
“Why Easter candy? Why not Halloween candy?”
“Phhhh. Don’t you know anything about candy? Halloween candy is crap. It’s just regular candy. Easter candy is special. It has different colors and shapes… different tastes. They don’t make it all-year round, you know, like those Cadbury eggs, with the crème filling? I even asked God to make new kinds of Easter candy for me to try – holy shit, so fuckin’ good.”
“What! No way. What kind of an atheist are you?!! You were baptized, you love Easter candy?”
“What can I say?”
“And now I find out that you love Mondelez, Inc.!”
“Mondo – what?”
“Mondelez. It’s the company that owns the Cadbury brand.”
“Phhhh!”
“But how could an evil corporation bring you so much happiness? I think deep down you’re really a kid at heart.”
“I don’t know.” Lilly’s face got serious again.
“Tell me,” Zack said, “what
were
you like as a kid?”
“Oh boy. This could take a while. I know, let’s sit down over there and I’ll show you.” She pointed to an empty bench in the nearby square.
They started to walk over, and Zack noticed that Lucky had disappeared. “Hey Lilly, where’d Lucky go?” he asked, looking around. “Luuuuucky!” he called out. “Wheeere aaaaare yooouuuuu?”
“Maybe he got bored. You know, we did just circle the same block like five times.”
“Oh wow, you’re right. I was so wrapped up in the conversation that I didn’t even realize.” He looked aroundagain. “Luuuuuuuucky!” he yelled as loud as he could. “Oh, never mind, there he is!”
Lucky came tearing around the corner, with what appeared to be Zack’s mother’s dishcloth in his mouth, only to stop five feet away and jump backwards in an attempt to entice Zack and Lilly into a chase.
“Lucky, come here!” Zack said, pretending to be mad.
Lucky settled down and slowly complied.
Zack took the dishcloth from Lucky’s mouth and examined it. It had blue and white checkers, with two large burn marks – just as Zack had thought. “It
is
my mom’s dishcloth. How the hell did Lucky find it here?” Zack looked at Lucky and could have sworn that for a second, his fur was white. “You don’t think… I mean, he’s only a dog?”
“You did tell me he’s a really smart dog.”
“I know, but still.”
They sat down on the bench and watched Lucky closely.
For a minute, nothing happened. Lucky just sat there looking at them. But when it became clear that Zack and Lilly were neither going to command him nor entertain him, Lucky’s attention drifted, and the next thing they knew, he was pawing at the air and rolling hotdogs onto the ground off of an invisible shelf a foot in front of his
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