Read Online Telegrams of the Soul by Peter Altenberg - Free Book Online

you kindly.”
    Many receipt recipients attempted to touch her fingertips. Some even skimmed, as if to stroke, her soft white hand. Only the bank clerks maintained a stony stiffness. Snobs!
    Finally she got tired, slowed down to an easy trot, started to pen out her signature in calligraphy.
    At 7 P.M ., right before closing, a gentleman in a wide coat handed her a letter to be posted registered mail.
    â€œOh—,” said the very young novice, “you’ve put on much too much postage. West Africa is still a part of the World Wide Postal Union.”
    She got all giddy over this splendid term “World Wide Postal Union.” As if just saying it made her in a certain sense a member of this far-flung family.
    â€œNo matter,” replied the gentleman, “all the more likely that the letter actually reaches its destination.”
    â€œImpractical—,” thought the novice.
    â€œWhat is the lady’s name?!” she inquired, as she wished to fill out the receipt.
    â€œMiss W ā h-Badûh.”
    â€œIn two words?!”
    â€œNaturally.”
    â€œA Negress, I suppose.”
    â€œIndeed, Miss.”
    â€œAnd in West Africa, Christiansborg?!”
    â€œYes.”
    She gave him the receipt with her calligraphic signature.
    The gentleman glanced at her, glanced down at her soft white hands and left. In her heart she felt: “A frosty profession?! Not on your life. Like a ride into the land of romance—.”
    But the dowdy old postal worker observed: “Why do you have to go and tell such a goddamn nut that he put too much postage on?! If the state can’t profit off of that sort?! What else are they good for?!”

Conversation with a Chambermaid
    â€œListen up, my dear Anna, I’m in heaven. An admirer, but not the kind you might imagine, just on account of my books, is going to pay my rent here in town this summer for as long a time as I spend in the country for my really very necessary rest and relaxation.”
    She turned pale upon hearing this. She thought: “Jesus, there goes my monthly housekeeping tip of six Crowns! If he isn’t here then he definitely doesn’t need to pay for tidying up the cabinet he even keeps locked up with a Yale lock! He’d be downright batty if he did!”
    Whereupon I replied: “Naturally you’ll still be paid your six Crowns a month. Why should you have to suffer a loss just because I want a little relaxation in the country?!”
    To which she said: “How nicely and comfortably a person could live if there were a lot of people around like you! Why in forty years a person could perhaps even think of retiring! But honestly, Mr. von Altenberg, what’s the use if there’s just one poet among the many thousands and all the others are such cheapskates?!?”
    When my dear and most devoted beloved read this “Sketch from Daily Life,” she said: “You see, here you compensate for your absence in the country, but who, pray tell, makes it up to me?!”

Afternoon Break
    Chitchat between two stunning young domestics, on their afternoon break, on the fifth floor in the darkened corridor outside my dear little lighted room:
    â€œJesus, what a fine and fancy broom you’ve got up here! Ours down in the café kitchen is a sight! Like a plucked chicken!”
    â€œI’ll give you mine! Peter’ll buy me another!”
    â€œWhat Peter?!”
    â€œYa know, Peter. Peter Altenberg. He’s a slob, I mean, poor guy, he ain’t got nothin’, but for practical hardware he’s got a heart. Can you believe it, that guy bought a duster for the photographs on his wall, 100% young gray ostrich feathers, it cost him five whole Crowns!”
    â€œOh, I’d like to get my hands on that one. It must be lovely to wipe with!”
    â€œYeah, well, that one he don’t give to nobody. A hundred times already I must’ve pleaded with him! He says: ‘In my