Read Online Tales from the Land of Ooo by Max Brallier, Stephen Reed - Free Book Online

BONE APPÉTIT
    “The Boneyard Kingdom creeps me out majorly,” Finn said. “Of all the Kingdoms, Boneyard is def the creepiest.”

    Finn and Jake were crossing through the dark and horrible Boneyard Kingdom, which is why—y’know—the overwhelming creepiness of the place was on Finn’s mind. The moon cast twisted and misshapen shadows, while tall, spindly trees reached out of the ground like skeletal hands—talons that might grab you at any moment.

    It was totes scary.
    “Agreed, bro—” Jake began to say, but was stopped short by a sound—a horrible, profane, otherworldly sound that went a lil’ something like:
GREEOOOOAARHHHHH!!!
    “Holy demon butts!” Finn exclaimed.

    “Sorry, dude,” Jake said. “False alarm. That was just my belly.” Jake then punched himself in the belly and shouted, “SHUT UP, YELLOW BELLY!”
    “Whoa, man, your stomach is
heated
,” said Finn.
    “Yeah. I’m superstarved,” Jake replied. “Where’s that snail that’s always hanging around? If I saw him, I’d be all like,
nom nom nom
!”
    Finn put away his sword, Jake suppressed his hunger, and the two righteous buds continued their trek through the murky woods. Then Finn slowed and squinted. He saw something moving up ahead in the mist.
    Suddenly a skeletal figure burst through the haze and said, “Hey, guys!”
    “Ahhh!” Finn screamed.
    “Sorry!” the skeleton said. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Ted.”
    “No worries, Skeleton Ted,” Jake said. “You didn’t scare us.
Nothing
scares us. Finn and I were just…um…playing dentist. Right, Finn?”
    “Huh?” Finn said, confused. “Oh,
right
, playing dentist. Yeah. Now it’s your turn, Jake. Say
ahh
.”
    “Ahhhh!”
Jake said.
    “You guys are pretty good at playing dentist!” Skeleton Ted said.
    Jake leaned over and whispered to Finn, “Wow, Skeleton Ted totally fell for our playing-dentist ruse.”
    “In addition to your pearly white teeth, you two look superhealthy,” Ted continued, looking the two heroes up and down. “And skinny.”
    Jake and Finn exchanged glances that said, “This Skeleton Ted is a weirdo bajeerdo, and it’d be nice if he’d stop looking us up and down like that.”
    “Why don’t you come join me and my skeleton pals for dinner?” Skeleton Ted asked, reaching out and taking Finn’s hand. “We’d all
love
to have you for dinner.”
    Finn yanked his hand away. “Whoa, Skeleton Ted, personal space violation! Stop touching me with your weird cold bone hands,” Finn said. “We just met. And, um, no thanks on the dinner invite.”
    But Jake was psyched and already set on a bone meal. “But, dude! I’m
soooo
hungry. C’mon, least we can do is
see
what they’re cooking up!”
    “Jake!”
Finn whispered. “You
know
I don’t like skeleton dudes.”
    “Don’t be a skeleton hater!” Jake whispered back. “Someday
you’ll
be a skeleton!”

    “No, I won’t!” Finn yelled. “I will never, ever, ever—Oh, wait, I will…”
    So as Finn contemplated life, death, and the unavoidable fact that someday his heroic heart would stop beating, his fleshy skin would molt away, and he’d turn 100 percent skeleton, Jake took him by the wrist and together the two pals followed Skeleton Ted through the woods of the Boneyard Kingdom.

    The moon was high and bright as they came upon a small graveyard. At the center was a long dining table made entirely of bones. The table legs were femurs, and the surface was an intricate interweaving of ribs and finger bones and toe bones and nose bones. Positioned around the table—as chairs—were headstones.
    Just beyond the table was a small cottage. Smoke came from the chimney, and it smelled, Jake thought, like some delish down-home skeleton cooking.
    Finn and Jake sat together at the head of the table. Skeleton Waiter came out of the cottage wearing bright white waiter gear over his bony figure and said to Finn and Jake, “I am most delighted to be
serving you
.”
    “Thanks,