Read Online Tales from the Land of Ooo by Max Brallier, Stephen Reed - Free Book Online Page B

to release alittle part of your next book early (that little part is called an
excerpt
) to whet people’s appetites for the whole book.”
    And I was all like, “Well, if you want to whet their LUMPING appetites, just put more pics of my
smokin’ lumps
on the cover!”
    Anyway, I’m going to pack a ton of
awesome
stuff into this chapter, so it can be excerpted in
The Lumpy Spacer
magazine, which is, like, super highbrow and talks about plays and stuff, which of course I love because plays=DRAMA!
    So…
    Once upon a time there was a beautiful lumpy space princess…me!
    I live in this superawesome amazing home. Oh my glob, isn’t it just
to die
? I know.

    Currently I’m in, like, negotiations to have my beautiful home featured in an episode of
House Finders: Land of Ooo Edition
.
    Sometimes Finn and Jake come by. We’re besties, even though sometimes Jake calls me a hobo, and I’m all like, “Oh my glob! SHUT YOUR FACE, JAKE! I AM
NOT
A HOBO!”
    Now you’re probably all, “OMG, LSP, you areso young and gorge
and
you live on your own in a mansion?!?” EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s a hobo mansion.
    Well,
yes
. That is all true. I am young and gorge and I live on my own in a mansion. EDITOR’S NOTE: Still a hobo mansion.
    There was a whole reason I ended up here on my own, but it’s way complicated. Basically I got in a big fight with my stupid mom and dad, and also things were getting soooo dramafied with Brad.
    If you’ve been living under, like, a lumping rock or something, Brad is my stupid ex-BF who I used to eat chili cheese fries with.

    Secretly, I would maybe, possibly, probably, not sure, but kinda definitely take Brad back if he was interested. But I’m sure he’s lumping not because he’s all lumping intimidated by me and MY LUMPS! GAH!
My beauty is my curse!
    But FYI, babes, being a Lumpy Space Princess is NOT just all riding around in cars with boys and eating beans from a can and looking lumping fabulous. There are downsides. Like, who can you trust in this lumping world? It’s TOTALLY “mo lumps, mo problems” out here on the streets.

    Melissa is my best friend, but in my celly she is labeled as Best Friend #66 because I don’t want her thinking she’s all high-and-lumping-mighty.
    Ugh, hold on. My celly is blowing up like it’s preggers.
    “Hello? LSP here. Oh, hiiii, Melissa.”
    It’s
lumping Melissa.
Yes, she’s my best friend, but still…I just—ARGH! I DON’T KNOW! I’M JUST AN EMOTIONAL THUNDERSTORM!!!
    “Sorry, yeah, go ahead, Melissa. No, I don’t care. You do whatever you want. Go to the drive-in movie theater with Brad. Good. Fine. Whatever. Do that. No, I’m not mad. NO, I’M NOT LUMPING MAD! GOOD-BYE!”
    WHAT THE LUMP?! Melissa is going to the drive-in with Brad? Like, what lumping YEAR IS IT?!? Who goes to the drive-in?!? Melissa doesn’t even like movies; she likes daytime dramas! Shetotally, like, changes when she’s with Brad.
    Ugh. Anyway. SIDETRACKED! Now my lumps are grumps. So, that’s IT! NO MORE writing today!
    I’ll just sum everything up real quick and say yes, my life is totes glamsville. You should probably be a lot more like me, and I’m dying a little on the inside because I know you never will be.
    Okay, that’s it. That’s the excerpt. That’s ALL you get without buying the whole book.
    Peace out, loves!
    BUMPS!
    THE END!

FINN AND JAKE’S JUST-FOR-FUN, ONLYFOR-PRACTICE VILLAIN-VANQUISHING GAUNTLET
    Finn and Jake had just gotten
whupped
. They were slowly making their way back through the Cotton Candy Forest. Finn’s cheeks were bright pink and scuffed up, and Jake’s butt was in a world of rubbery hurt. In short, they did
not
look so hot.

    “Those goblins really stomped on our brains,” Finn said.
    “Majorly,” Jake said. “I’m off my game, dude.”
    “Hey,” Finn said, stopping to look at Jake with all sorts of utmost seriousness. “Don’t you say that, Jake. You are just as awesome as ever.”
    “Your support means the