Read Online Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back by Belinda Hadden, Amanda Christie - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Belinda Hadden, Amanda Christie
Tags: Humor, General, Literary Criticism, European, English; Irish; Scottish; Welsh, Cooking, Revenge, Wit and Humor
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auctioneer might catch a twitch, a wink or an almost imperceptible nod of the head; woe betide the auctioneer who missed the bid... as I did twice in the first ten lots of the sale.
'On the second miss his deep, guttural and very loud voice boomed out at me: "Vot are you doing young Bonham, are you sleeping or trying to sell pictures?" My response was something to the effect that if he bid more clearly etc., etc.
'The rich, heavily-accented voice broke out again: "Englishman, you are a lousy auctioneer!"
'Now, being told I am a bad auctioneer is as hurtful as being told one is a bad driver or a bad lover (for both of which I have had, thankfully, very few criticisms over the years!). I didn't miss another bid from him; indeed on the twelve lots he bought that auction I pushed him one or two bids higher on each occasion, costing him about £2,000. In 1970 that was a lot of money!
'Ten years later, when he paid me the compliment of being one of the best auctioneers in London, I reminded him of the time, ten years before, when he called me a lousy auctioneer. I also told him it had cost him £2,000. His reaction was slow to come then the loudest laugh I have ever heard burst out. "I vos told to be polite to waiters or they spit into your food. Now I know I haff to add auctioneers to this list!" '
- with thanks to Nick Bonham, deputy chairman, W and F C Bonham and Sons, auctioneers.
A West Country gentleman was fed up with being outbid by dealers in an auction ring. He went to London and bought a splendid collection of rare Japanese Net-suke figures with a view to teaching the ring a lesson.
He put a couple of the items into a local auction in Truro and bought them back himself, paying somewhat over the odds for them, watched all the time by the ring. A few weeks later he did the same, again watched closely by the ring. Then, several weeks later he discovered that the boys were heading up north to a large house sale and he put the rest of his Netsuke figures into it.
The boys in the ring were delighted when they viewed the sale. Yes, they thought, we have a collector back in Truro; he's bound to buy this marvellous collection. They bought the whole lot, at a considerable price owing to a pretty steep reserve. When they were put into auction back in the West Country, no buyer could be found.
Despite receiving written instructions from a customer, a certain local high street bank failed to carry out a request. As a result the customer lost money. A time-consuming argument ensued but the bank would not back down and refused to accept responsibility. Eventually the customer, feeling he was banging his head against a brick wall, told the manager he was fed up and was going to transfer his account to another bank. The manager wrote back in surprised and injured tones, saying that they were 'very sorry that you wish to close the account. Has our service not been to your satisfaction?' The customer wrote back saying: 'Do you realise that an anagram of your bank's name is "Dim and Blank?" '
Probably apocryphal. Robert Maxwell was walking round the office and he saw a man leaning against a wall reading a newspaper.
'How much do you earn?' he asked.
'£150 a week,' came the reply.
Maxwell opened his wallet and pulled out £150 cash. 'Here, take this,' he said. 'You're fired!'
The man took the money and sauntered off. He was not an employee of Maxwell, just a visiting salesman.
Cartoonist and satirist, Alistair Hilleary, otherwise known as 'Loon' was invited to hold an exhibition in the Palace Hotel in St Moritz, a town that has seen its fair share of mayhem and high living. For a diversion one evening, Hilleary and a few others had a little fun 'rearranging' the hotel room of Hamish Leng, another well-known hell-raiser. This caused much mirth but the smile was wiped off Hilleary's face a couple of days later when he was summoned to reception by the management of the Palace who informed him
'On the second miss his deep, guttural and very loud voice boomed out at me: "Vot are you doing young Bonham, are you sleeping or trying to sell pictures?" My response was something to the effect that if he bid more clearly etc., etc.
'The rich, heavily-accented voice broke out again: "Englishman, you are a lousy auctioneer!"
'Now, being told I am a bad auctioneer is as hurtful as being told one is a bad driver or a bad lover (for both of which I have had, thankfully, very few criticisms over the years!). I didn't miss another bid from him; indeed on the twelve lots he bought that auction I pushed him one or two bids higher on each occasion, costing him about £2,000. In 1970 that was a lot of money!
'Ten years later, when he paid me the compliment of being one of the best auctioneers in London, I reminded him of the time, ten years before, when he called me a lousy auctioneer. I also told him it had cost him £2,000. His reaction was slow to come then the loudest laugh I have ever heard burst out. "I vos told to be polite to waiters or they spit into your food. Now I know I haff to add auctioneers to this list!" '
- with thanks to Nick Bonham, deputy chairman, W and F C Bonham and Sons, auctioneers.
A West Country gentleman was fed up with being outbid by dealers in an auction ring. He went to London and bought a splendid collection of rare Japanese Net-suke figures with a view to teaching the ring a lesson.
He put a couple of the items into a local auction in Truro and bought them back himself, paying somewhat over the odds for them, watched all the time by the ring. A few weeks later he did the same, again watched closely by the ring. Then, several weeks later he discovered that the boys were heading up north to a large house sale and he put the rest of his Netsuke figures into it.
The boys in the ring were delighted when they viewed the sale. Yes, they thought, we have a collector back in Truro; he's bound to buy this marvellous collection. They bought the whole lot, at a considerable price owing to a pretty steep reserve. When they were put into auction back in the West Country, no buyer could be found.
Despite receiving written instructions from a customer, a certain local high street bank failed to carry out a request. As a result the customer lost money. A time-consuming argument ensued but the bank would not back down and refused to accept responsibility. Eventually the customer, feeling he was banging his head against a brick wall, told the manager he was fed up and was going to transfer his account to another bank. The manager wrote back in surprised and injured tones, saying that they were 'very sorry that you wish to close the account. Has our service not been to your satisfaction?' The customer wrote back saying: 'Do you realise that an anagram of your bank's name is "Dim and Blank?" '
Probably apocryphal. Robert Maxwell was walking round the office and he saw a man leaning against a wall reading a newspaper.
'How much do you earn?' he asked.
'£150 a week,' came the reply.
Maxwell opened his wallet and pulled out £150 cash. 'Here, take this,' he said. 'You're fired!'
The man took the money and sauntered off. He was not an employee of Maxwell, just a visiting salesman.
Cartoonist and satirist, Alistair Hilleary, otherwise known as 'Loon' was invited to hold an exhibition in the Palace Hotel in St Moritz, a town that has seen its fair share of mayhem and high living. For a diversion one evening, Hilleary and a few others had a little fun 'rearranging' the hotel room of Hamish Leng, another well-known hell-raiser. This caused much mirth but the smile was wiped off Hilleary's face a couple of days later when he was summoned to reception by the management of the Palace who informed him
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