Read Online Sunrise Fires by Heather LaBarge - Free Book Online Page A

Germany, eh? So then, finally, we can talk about it?”
    I rolled onto my back, keeping my eyes closed from the brightness. “Meh. Maybe…” I peeked at him again. He had slid down onto his side and was propped on one elbow looking at me. I stretched, and one naked breast sprang loose of the warmth of the covers, immediately angry at the cold air and tensing into a tight little peak.
    He covered it with a warm hand and massaged it. “Someone doesn’t like the cold.”
    I chuckled, ending my stretch prematurely. “Well, it’s a good thing you have mittens for hands then, isn’t it?”
    He kissed me tenderly. As we pulled away, I dared to open one eye in a squint. Yep, angelic . I closed my eye again and thought of everything that one glimpse had shown me. He looked amazing in the morning. His five o’clock shadow had filled in even more and given him a distinguished scruff that I wanted to scratch. His eyes were smoky and warm, still too sleepy to be bright, and his naked shoulders and chest begged to be touched and kissed. He spoke again, “So, then… Germany?” I was still distracted by my own thoughts of how he looked, and with his hand still massaging my breast, I was even more distracted.
    I took a deep breath. It was time for this conversation. I couldn’t procrastinate any longer. I rolled toward him and scooted into the shadow of his body, feeling the warmth of my own breath bouncing off his chest and back onto my face and neck. I curled my head so that the top of it was against his chest, creating a space for my warm air to circulate between us, and creating a safe place to put my words. I couldn’t bear to look at him.
    “Germany,” I began.
    Pulling the pillow under the side of his head, he wrapped his arms around me and completed my cocoon of safety. “Germany.”
    “I love you, Ryan.”
    “I know.”
    “And I don’t want to lose you.”
    “I’m gettin’ that.”
    “And I want success, I suppose.”
    “Mmhmm.”
    “But I don’t want to lose you.” He stroked my hair and rubbed my shoulder. “If I go to Germany…” my voice started to crack. I stopped to breathe and tried to control my tears.
    “I love you, Jen. You won’t lose me.”
    “I’m afraid.”
    “Afraid of what? I really don’t understand.”
    I pushed away from his chest and looked at him, his arms still bracing me. “I want you to go to Germany with me.”
    “Jen…” He looked baffled and stumbled over his words. “I…I…I can’t. You know that. I mean…my family is here…and my job.” He squinted at me, almost scowling. “What—?!”
    “Do you want me to go because you’re ready for us to end?”
    “What!?” He released me and sat up.
    “Ryan, I just…I’m so fucking afraid. And I can’t even find the words, and I feel like you think I’m stupid, and I just wish things could stay how they have been for these past three years. And Germany changes everything. And by everything, I mean these three years are all I get with you. It means I chose Germany, and that means I didn’t choose you. And if I didn’t choose you, then…” I had picked up such speed as I went that I was out of breath. I stopped, gasping and spluttering, tears spilling out. Much more quietly, I began again, “I am afraid that if I don’t choose you, you’ll find someone else who will.”
    He sat there in stunned silence, looking at me, watching me cry and try to regain composure. His eyes were a mixture of confusion and something else I didn’t recognize. Maybe he pitied me? He took a deep breath.
    “Germany seems to mean an awful lot more to you than I ever anticipated. It’s no wonder you’ve been nearly two months brewing this conversation.” He sounded like a chastising parent, and I resented his tone.
    “It does mean a lot. It will likely mean everything.”
    “Did you consider asking me how I feel about it?” I lay back flat on the bed, staring at the ceiling, jaw set, arms folded across my chest.