Read Online Stuff Christians Like by Jonathan Acuff - Free Book Online

very light and insignificant. It’s impossible to cut anything while standing, too. You end up just spearing chunks of fruit or meat awkwardly while trying to keep the plate from tipping over onto the carpet, which would further upset the hosts, whose dog you just made urinate on the couch because you got it too excited at the Christmas Eve party and your dad yelled at you. (That just got personal, but trust me, no prayer required here.) Use this easy rhyme to remember: “If you have to stand / God won’t demand / a prayer tonight / so take a bite.”
Wedding Food
    This rule actually works for any big event where one person prays for the whole room. Listen carefully to that person’s prayer. If it’s good, dig in. If it’s a little weak, you’d better double up and pray for yourself, just to be sure. No offense to the other person, but it’s better safe than sorry. Plus, it makes you look extra prayerful, which is never a bad thing if you’re single and trying to meet a bridesmaid.
Drive In
    This actually depends on which fast food restaurant you go to. If you go to Chick-fil-A or In-N-Out you probably don’t have to pray because those are Christian restaurants and holiness is pre-applied like barbecue sauce to all the food. You’re covered. Taco Bell, Burger King, and other restaurants are questionable. At the bare minimum, turn your back in the car while they use that bean and guacamole gun at Taco Bell and say a prayer. Chances are you’ll need it.
Progressive Dinner
    A progressive dinner is where you travel with people from house to house, having one course at each. The question is, where and when do you pray? Is it before the first house, or at each house? Good question. I pray at the beginning and then at each house that serves something that might need a little God. When I used to be a bag boy at a grocery store, we called it “spot mopping.” You didn’t mop the whole floor, just the few areas that required it. Same thing applies here. If one house has a fresh Mandarin spinach salad, hold the prayer. If the next one has some sort of homemade sausage that may or may not be squirrel, you’d better start praying.
Gas Station Snacks
    Nougat? No prayer. Beef jerky? Depends. If you do regular jerky, no problem – you don’t have to pray. If you do that jerky + cheese marriage thing where there’s a tube of orange cheese spooning the jerky, you’d better pray.
Before or after Appetizers
    The best way to get a waiter or waitress to come to your table is to start praying. They materialize out of thin air, like some sort of prayer-interrupting phantom. I suggest praying in the parking lot before you even enter the restaurant. That way, you eliminate any possible chance of the staff crashing your prayer party.
    The barrel is what you’re going to be wearing when God instantly makes you homeless as a way to increase your humility. He’s just going to take away everything you have and leave you with only a barrel to wear. And not even a nice one that looks old-fashioned and might have come from a sun-dappled winery in Sonoma, California. I’m talking about a gross old barrel that probably held beets before it held you. Don’t expect rope suspenders, either. God’s taking those, too. You’ll be holding up that barrel with your bare hands.
    I’m not sure what our fear of patience and humility really means. Maybe we think God won’t notice we need more patience or humility, and he’ll forget to slow our lives down or take all our stuff away. We’ll be able to skate on through at a normal pace with loads of possessions unless we accidentally summon God with the words “patience” and “humility” like Beetlejuice or the boogeyman.
    So if you’re feeling like this book isn’t funny, either you prayed for patience when it came to finding a good book to read, or I prayed for humility.
DISGUISING GOSSIP AS PRAYER
    We’ve all either heard somebody do this, or we’ve done it ourselves: In the middle of a