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Authors: Jonathan Acuff
Tags: Non-Fiction
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troubling times, and I’ve never seen a hedge and thought, “That thick collection of bushes is both terrifying and impenetrable.” Maybe instead of praying for a hedge of protection, we should pray for:
A Beaded Curtain of Wasps
Your enemy would see this from a distance and think it was a standard beaded curtain. “Sweet,” they’d think. “Hippies. Let’s go steal their stuff.” But as soon as they touched the curtain, they’d be rained down on by wasps that were enraged at being delicately strung together in a beaded curtain formation.
A Trampoline Moat of Lions
Throwing a plank across the average moat renders it useless. That won’t be an issue though…with the trampoline moat of lions, or T-MOL. You’ve admittedly got to pull insane permits to build this thing. But once you do, trust me, it’s worth it. Few things are as scary and imposing as a pride of lions that havefigured out the mechanics of a trampoline. Just imagine a hurricane of claws and fangs and manes bouncing skyward as they “give each other air.” I’m getting sweaty just typing this.
A Rugby Scrum of Angels
When people say “a hedge of protection” or “a hedge of angels,” I start imagining a bunch of angels in pleated khakis standing around, bored, waiting for the bus. Forget that. A rugby scrum is where players from both teams lock arms and heads and start swirling around in a tangle of power and aggression and swagger.
That’s what I want angels protecting me to be doing. I want them to be constantly brawling, like some sort of angelic version of the Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse. When something bad comes my way, the angels don’t have to warm up. They just turn to my foe and say, “You want to get in on this? We got more than enough to go around.”
LOVE ON
“You don’t have to have sex on your wedding night. Be gentle.” That’s what an elderly friend of the family told me minutes after I tied the knot. Well me, and the guy filming the video, and anyone who ever watched the video.
MISSIONARY DATING: WHEN GOD CALLS YOU TO CONVERT THE SEXY AND UNCHURCHED
Sometimes the mission field God calls you to is hot, single people. It’s rare, but it happens. You’re just minding your own business, content in your own spiritual walk, when God will tap you on the shoulder and say, “I want you to reach the lost in local nightclubs and other singles hot spots. Please go out and date people into a relationship with me. I’ve seen the traffic numbers on eHarmony.com, and the harvest is indeed full.”
That’s a pretty sweet gig if you can get it. You get to go out to dinner a lot and see movies, which certainly beats slumming it in some third world country mission field. Sure, you’ve got tocome up with creative excuses when your friends at church ask you, “Is that guy you’re falling in love with a Christian?” But what do they know? This is different. You’re different. They didn’t receive the same call you did.
And besides, don’t those naysayers know that marriage will change him? Marriage changes everything. I don’t know the exact numbers, but I’m pretty sure 80 percent of guys who aren’t Christian become so when you light a unity candle and read 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 6 at your wedding. If that doesn’t work, then having a kid together will probably fix everything.
LOVE OFFERINGS
A love offering is kind of a “volunteer offering” the church takes up during special occasions, like when a puppet group from Guam (named “Strings of Mercy”) is performing at your church. It’s really not that voluntary though, because if you don’t contribute anything, you’re essentially telling everyone that your heart is not full of love. By not putting a couple of bucks in the offering plate, you’re actually putting in a big fistful of hate.
I wish when the ushers collected a love offering they would say out loud when someone didn’t give, “Oh, you don’t have any love for the magical world of puppetry?
A Beaded Curtain of Wasps
Your enemy would see this from a distance and think it was a standard beaded curtain. “Sweet,” they’d think. “Hippies. Let’s go steal their stuff.” But as soon as they touched the curtain, they’d be rained down on by wasps that were enraged at being delicately strung together in a beaded curtain formation.
A Trampoline Moat of Lions
Throwing a plank across the average moat renders it useless. That won’t be an issue though…with the trampoline moat of lions, or T-MOL. You’ve admittedly got to pull insane permits to build this thing. But once you do, trust me, it’s worth it. Few things are as scary and imposing as a pride of lions that havefigured out the mechanics of a trampoline. Just imagine a hurricane of claws and fangs and manes bouncing skyward as they “give each other air.” I’m getting sweaty just typing this.
A Rugby Scrum of Angels
When people say “a hedge of protection” or “a hedge of angels,” I start imagining a bunch of angels in pleated khakis standing around, bored, waiting for the bus. Forget that. A rugby scrum is where players from both teams lock arms and heads and start swirling around in a tangle of power and aggression and swagger.
That’s what I want angels protecting me to be doing. I want them to be constantly brawling, like some sort of angelic version of the Patrick Swayze movie Roadhouse. When something bad comes my way, the angels don’t have to warm up. They just turn to my foe and say, “You want to get in on this? We got more than enough to go around.”
LOVE ON
“You don’t have to have sex on your wedding night. Be gentle.” That’s what an elderly friend of the family told me minutes after I tied the knot. Well me, and the guy filming the video, and anyone who ever watched the video.
MISSIONARY DATING: WHEN GOD CALLS YOU TO CONVERT THE SEXY AND UNCHURCHED
Sometimes the mission field God calls you to is hot, single people. It’s rare, but it happens. You’re just minding your own business, content in your own spiritual walk, when God will tap you on the shoulder and say, “I want you to reach the lost in local nightclubs and other singles hot spots. Please go out and date people into a relationship with me. I’ve seen the traffic numbers on eHarmony.com, and the harvest is indeed full.”
That’s a pretty sweet gig if you can get it. You get to go out to dinner a lot and see movies, which certainly beats slumming it in some third world country mission field. Sure, you’ve got tocome up with creative excuses when your friends at church ask you, “Is that guy you’re falling in love with a Christian?” But what do they know? This is different. You’re different. They didn’t receive the same call you did.
And besides, don’t those naysayers know that marriage will change him? Marriage changes everything. I don’t know the exact numbers, but I’m pretty sure 80 percent of guys who aren’t Christian become so when you light a unity candle and read 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 6 at your wedding. If that doesn’t work, then having a kid together will probably fix everything.
LOVE OFFERINGS
A love offering is kind of a “volunteer offering” the church takes up during special occasions, like when a puppet group from Guam (named “Strings of Mercy”) is performing at your church. It’s really not that voluntary though, because if you don’t contribute anything, you’re essentially telling everyone that your heart is not full of love. By not putting a couple of bucks in the offering plate, you’re actually putting in a big fistful of hate.
I wish when the ushers collected a love offering they would say out loud when someone didn’t give, “Oh, you don’t have any love for the magical world of puppetry?
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