Read Online Stuck in Neutral by Terry Trueman - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Terry Trueman
Ads: Link
comfortable, if not quite relaxed.
DAD: Tell us about life here, Earl.
EARL: Well, itâs probably not like youâd expect it to be. Most guys keep pretty much to themselves. If you want to know about bad stuff, you can find out about it; if you want to stay out of peopleâs way and just mind your own business, you can do that. Thatâs been my approach so far. Itâs sort of like Scout camp, only thereâs a lot more tattoos.
DAD: (Smiles, then pauses and grows serious.) We came to talk about your son, Earl, about Colin and what happened to him. Are you ready to discuss that?
EARL: (Swallows hard and stares down at his hands, crossed in his lap.) Itâs hard, but yeah, Iâm ready.
DAD: Why did you kill him, Earl?
EARL: Nobody will ever understand this. Iâm not saying it to be understood. Iâm saying it because itâs true and because you have a son like Colin. Maybe itâll help you and other people with children like Colin. I donât feel now and I will never feel that I killed or murdered Colin. I did what I did with my son to end his suffering. (Earl pauses a moment and takes several slow, deep breaths. He looks up at Dad. The camera slowly closes in on his face.)
If you love your child enough and you see him suffering horribly, and you know, both medically, âcause of what the docs tell you, and in your heart, that his condition is hopeless, and that his life is nothing but pain and agonyâif you love him enough, what do you do? Colin was helpless. It was like he was in the hands of invisible demons whose only reason for existing was to torture him. (A tear slowly slips out of the corner of Earl Detrauxâs left eye. He wipes it off his cheek with the back of his right hand.)
It had to stop. I didnât care about what the laws or the cops or anybody else had to say about it ⦠hell, they didnât know, they werenât there watching Colin, they werenât in his head or in my heart. I didnât care about what could happen to me. It had to stop. I loved Colin. I still love him and Iâll always love him. Ending his suffering was all I cared about. I did that, and whatever anybody else thinks of me, I feel that what I did is between me and Colin and his mother and our God.
DAD: If you had it to do over again, would you do it?
EARL: (Smiles a little.) I guess Iâm supposed to say, âNo sir, Iâve learned my lesson.â I mean, I would like to get out of this place someday, so Iâm supposed to say that I know what I did was wrong ⦠but the truth is Iâd do it again this second. Iâd do it every day they let me out if I saw Colin suffering. Yeah, Iâd do it again.
DAD: What if next week they invented a new medication or a new procedure that could have cured Colin? How would you live with yourself if that happened?
EARL: Well, the docs said that wasnât going to happen, but if it did, how would I feel? How will I feel if, at the end of my life, Iâm cast down into Hell for all eternity for what I did?
(Earl smiles sadly and looks away from the camera. He pauses and takes a sip from a glass of water on a table off camera, then sets the glass back down. He takes a deep breath.)
You know, when I did it, I put the pillow over Colinâs face and held it there, not hard so as to hurt him, but just enough to cut off the air. I held the pillow and I prayed as hard as I could. I hoped God might intervene, like he did with Abraham, when he provided a ram and spared Isaac. Only I wasnât praying for God to stop me; I was praying that Colin wasnât suffering. He didnât struggle against me at all. He was real still and quiet the whole time. (Earl pauses again and breathes slowly, steadying himself.)
I prayed for God to let Colinâs suffering end and to take care of him for me. When it was over, when I felt Colin go, he lay there like an angel, so beautiful, and I could tell that for the
DAD: Tell us about life here, Earl.
EARL: Well, itâs probably not like youâd expect it to be. Most guys keep pretty much to themselves. If you want to know about bad stuff, you can find out about it; if you want to stay out of peopleâs way and just mind your own business, you can do that. Thatâs been my approach so far. Itâs sort of like Scout camp, only thereâs a lot more tattoos.
DAD: (Smiles, then pauses and grows serious.) We came to talk about your son, Earl, about Colin and what happened to him. Are you ready to discuss that?
EARL: (Swallows hard and stares down at his hands, crossed in his lap.) Itâs hard, but yeah, Iâm ready.
DAD: Why did you kill him, Earl?
EARL: Nobody will ever understand this. Iâm not saying it to be understood. Iâm saying it because itâs true and because you have a son like Colin. Maybe itâll help you and other people with children like Colin. I donât feel now and I will never feel that I killed or murdered Colin. I did what I did with my son to end his suffering. (Earl pauses a moment and takes several slow, deep breaths. He looks up at Dad. The camera slowly closes in on his face.)
If you love your child enough and you see him suffering horribly, and you know, both medically, âcause of what the docs tell you, and in your heart, that his condition is hopeless, and that his life is nothing but pain and agonyâif you love him enough, what do you do? Colin was helpless. It was like he was in the hands of invisible demons whose only reason for existing was to torture him. (A tear slowly slips out of the corner of Earl Detrauxâs left eye. He wipes it off his cheek with the back of his right hand.)
It had to stop. I didnât care about what the laws or the cops or anybody else had to say about it ⦠hell, they didnât know, they werenât there watching Colin, they werenât in his head or in my heart. I didnât care about what could happen to me. It had to stop. I loved Colin. I still love him and Iâll always love him. Ending his suffering was all I cared about. I did that, and whatever anybody else thinks of me, I feel that what I did is between me and Colin and his mother and our God.
DAD: If you had it to do over again, would you do it?
EARL: (Smiles a little.) I guess Iâm supposed to say, âNo sir, Iâve learned my lesson.â I mean, I would like to get out of this place someday, so Iâm supposed to say that I know what I did was wrong ⦠but the truth is Iâd do it again this second. Iâd do it every day they let me out if I saw Colin suffering. Yeah, Iâd do it again.
DAD: What if next week they invented a new medication or a new procedure that could have cured Colin? How would you live with yourself if that happened?
EARL: Well, the docs said that wasnât going to happen, but if it did, how would I feel? How will I feel if, at the end of my life, Iâm cast down into Hell for all eternity for what I did?
(Earl smiles sadly and looks away from the camera. He pauses and takes a sip from a glass of water on a table off camera, then sets the glass back down. He takes a deep breath.)
You know, when I did it, I put the pillow over Colinâs face and held it there, not hard so as to hurt him, but just enough to cut off the air. I held the pillow and I prayed as hard as I could. I hoped God might intervene, like he did with Abraham, when he provided a ram and spared Isaac. Only I wasnât praying for God to stop me; I was praying that Colin wasnât suffering. He didnât struggle against me at all. He was real still and quiet the whole time. (Earl pauses again and breathes slowly, steadying himself.)
I prayed for God to let Colinâs suffering end and to take care of him for me. When it was over, when I felt Colin go, he lay there like an angel, so beautiful, and I could tell that for the
Similar Books
