Read Online Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self - Free Book Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
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clips of girls in beauty pageants falling down does not mean others feel the same way.
Don’t Forget to Say Thank-You!
You should now thank your hosts and leave the cocktail party, and, by all means, do not , under any circumstances, take the bottle of wine you brought with you, just because it never got opened and just because liquor stores have all closed for the night and you literally don’t even have a beer at home and you’ve told everyone still there that you’re having an after-party at your place; this does not mean it is socially acceptable to take the bottle home with you. Just say thank-you, go home, and for God’s sake, go to bed; you have to work in the morning!
What to Expect at a Straight Bar
A Heterosexual cocktail party is much different from its sister encounter, Attending a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub. Heterosexual behavior and protocol can be quite different in a person’s home than it is in a public setting. You will encounter far more intoxicated strangers at a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub, and also, at a Heterosexual Bar, it’s extremely hard to control the television remote control. While at a Heterosexual’s home, you can casually pick up the remote and change it from ESPN * to the night’s top stories on Rachel Maddow, or, in my case, a rerun of Veronica’s Closet on the TV Guide Channel. However, at a bar, you will be forced to sweet-talk a heavyset woman named Ginger who’s busy making whiskey sours, unless you’re cool with watching the Packers versus Bears game for the next five hours. To prepare you for what you should expect at a straight bar, I am going to share my journal account of a recent trip.
Now, let’s jump ahead. Imagine if you will that those two Heterosexuals that I saw flirting at the bar had liked each other. Let’s pretend that when the male touched the female’s backside, she wasn’t offended. What would have happened next? Marriage, you say? Not that easily, unless, of course, they’re 20-something celebrities or drunk in Las Vegas. However, once the courting process is complete, Heterosexuals can then eagerly close the deal and solidify their relationship with marriage.
If you’ve seen Father of the Bride , * part 1, you know that marriage is a beautiful thing. You also know that early-1990s Diane Keaton is basically everything you need to know about style and motherhood. However, if the Heterosexuals in your life decide to tie the knot, you’ll soon be attending a Heterosexual Wedding, and if you’re not ready, you will find yourself extremely confused by everything from who catches the bouquet to what isn’t OK to say to the bride.
What to Expect at a Heterosexual Wedding
Heterosexuals have the unique right to get married, and they take this right very seriously. There is an entire industry surrounding Heterosexual weddings, from wedding planners, bridal stores, Céline Dion love songs, bridal registries, * and a plethora of divorce attorneys. The world is ripe for Heterosexual nuptials.
Here are some key things you should know going in:
You must remember that a Heterosexual wedding is the most important day of the Heterosexual’s life, and it is no time for sarcasm or self-aware comedy. No matter how hilariously sarcastic you may be, the bride will not find it funny if you raise your hand in the middle of the ceremony for the “Does anyone object?” part. Even if you’re wearing fingerless gloves and a shirt that the bride bought you for your 25th birthday, and even if you were personally invited because you’re the bride’s “funniest friend.” It is not OK. Consider this my apology, Katherine.
Music at a Heterosexual wedding can go either way. Some Heterosexuals stick to traditional “wedding music” played on a piano or organ, while others step outside the box. I once attended a Heterosexual wedding where the bride made her way down the aisle to the expected “Here Comes the Bride,” only to stop midway, pull
Don’t Forget to Say Thank-You!
You should now thank your hosts and leave the cocktail party, and, by all means, do not , under any circumstances, take the bottle of wine you brought with you, just because it never got opened and just because liquor stores have all closed for the night and you literally don’t even have a beer at home and you’ve told everyone still there that you’re having an after-party at your place; this does not mean it is socially acceptable to take the bottle home with you. Just say thank-you, go home, and for God’s sake, go to bed; you have to work in the morning!
What to Expect at a Straight Bar
A Heterosexual cocktail party is much different from its sister encounter, Attending a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub. Heterosexual behavior and protocol can be quite different in a person’s home than it is in a public setting. You will encounter far more intoxicated strangers at a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub, and also, at a Heterosexual Bar, it’s extremely hard to control the television remote control. While at a Heterosexual’s home, you can casually pick up the remote and change it from ESPN * to the night’s top stories on Rachel Maddow, or, in my case, a rerun of Veronica’s Closet on the TV Guide Channel. However, at a bar, you will be forced to sweet-talk a heavyset woman named Ginger who’s busy making whiskey sours, unless you’re cool with watching the Packers versus Bears game for the next five hours. To prepare you for what you should expect at a straight bar, I am going to share my journal account of a recent trip.
Now, let’s jump ahead. Imagine if you will that those two Heterosexuals that I saw flirting at the bar had liked each other. Let’s pretend that when the male touched the female’s backside, she wasn’t offended. What would have happened next? Marriage, you say? Not that easily, unless, of course, they’re 20-something celebrities or drunk in Las Vegas. However, once the courting process is complete, Heterosexuals can then eagerly close the deal and solidify their relationship with marriage.
If you’ve seen Father of the Bride , * part 1, you know that marriage is a beautiful thing. You also know that early-1990s Diane Keaton is basically everything you need to know about style and motherhood. However, if the Heterosexuals in your life decide to tie the knot, you’ll soon be attending a Heterosexual Wedding, and if you’re not ready, you will find yourself extremely confused by everything from who catches the bouquet to what isn’t OK to say to the bride.
What to Expect at a Heterosexual Wedding
Heterosexuals have the unique right to get married, and they take this right very seriously. There is an entire industry surrounding Heterosexual weddings, from wedding planners, bridal stores, Céline Dion love songs, bridal registries, * and a plethora of divorce attorneys. The world is ripe for Heterosexual nuptials.
Here are some key things you should know going in:
You must remember that a Heterosexual wedding is the most important day of the Heterosexual’s life, and it is no time for sarcasm or self-aware comedy. No matter how hilariously sarcastic you may be, the bride will not find it funny if you raise your hand in the middle of the ceremony for the “Does anyone object?” part. Even if you’re wearing fingerless gloves and a shirt that the bride bought you for your 25th birthday, and even if you were personally invited because you’re the bride’s “funniest friend.” It is not OK. Consider this my apology, Katherine.
Music at a Heterosexual wedding can go either way. Some Heterosexuals stick to traditional “wedding music” played on a piano or organ, while others step outside the box. I once attended a Heterosexual wedding where the bride made her way down the aisle to the expected “Here Comes the Bride,” only to stop midway, pull
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