Read Online Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals by Jeffery Self - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jeffery Self
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might offer up the excuse that she has to work in the morning and that she and her husband just started watching the latest episode of White Collar . In more extreme cases, what tends to follow marriage is the ultimate shift in the Heterosexual lifestyle: childbirth.
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How Heterosexuals Reproduce
One of the unique qualities of Heterosexuals is their ability to reproduce by simply forgetting to wear a condom, forgetting to take a birth control pill, or simply going out to dinner with Jon Gosselin. Or, of course, in many cases, by mutually deciding that it’s time to start a family with their opposite-sex partner.
The Heterosexual reproduction process is a truly amazing thing that takes nine months to happen. Here’s how it works.
First, you need two Heterosexuals, or one Heterosexual Female and a very, very, very drunk gay guy. Sometimes, these two Heterosexuals love each other (as in the case of your newly married friends), and other times they have just met while watching the Lakers game at the Pig and Whistle bar I discovered earlier. Whether they’re in love or not, if the Heterosexuals have unprotected Heterosexual intercourse, * they will likely create a baby. Heterosexual intercourse can take upwards of an hour or sometimes only a few minutes if the Heterosexual Male hasn’t had a lot of action lately.
Once the seed has been planted in the egg (see, I’d look like an idiot trying to explain that), the two things combine to form a new cell called a blastocyst, which, despite how itsounds, is not a racial slur. This blastocyst begins traveling through the fallopian tubes (this shit is crazy, right?!) toward the uterus, which takes roughly three days, which is kind of ridiculous when you realize that you can drive from Georgia to California in a matter of three days. Sure, you’d be doing a lot of driving and it’s best to take shifts with a friend so you don’t fall asleep at the wheel, and if you make it more like a week you get to stop in historical places like the Alamo or the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn. I know a guy who watched all the seasons of Damages in just three days. And by guy , I mean me. However, three days is the amount of time it takes to get that blasted blastocyst through those fallopian tubes and into the spacious uterus.
Once Mr. (or Ms.) Blastocyst gets to the uterus, it attaches itself onto the walls of the uterus, the way you might attach a poster of Selena Gomez to your wall if you’re a teenage boy or a weird lesbian. The uterus is basically a hotel, like a really nice, comfortable hotel. Not five stars by any means, but maybe three? OK, two stars, depending on the uterus. And it’s not all that spacious, either, unless you’re looking at it by New York City hotel room standards, in which case it’s huge . The view is shit, literally, but it’s comfortable and the blastocyst doesn’t mind staying there for roughly nine months. Once attached to the walls of this Sheraton Inn & Suites (a.k.a. the uterus), the blastocyst starts to develop into an embryo, and after four weeks it’s roughly the size of a poppy seed. A poppy seed is very specific, not a sunflower seed, not a flaxseed, but a poppy seed.Think about that the next time you order a poppy-seed bagel with cream cheese and lox.
Now, the female has this poppy seed attached to the uterine wall and she’s figured out she’s pregnant, or she hasn’t, in which case her family submits her for that I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant reality show and she gets to proudly tell all her friends, “I’m gonna be on TV!” There’s also a placenta and an umbilical cord forming, which is how the poppy seed that’s gonna one day be her pissed-off teenage daughter who keeps running up her Verizon bill is able to grow.
The pregnant Heterosexual Female will start to gain weight and have extreme mood swings. One minute she might be super-happy to be alive, but the next minute she’s craving pickles covered in brown gravy
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----
How Heterosexuals Reproduce
One of the unique qualities of Heterosexuals is their ability to reproduce by simply forgetting to wear a condom, forgetting to take a birth control pill, or simply going out to dinner with Jon Gosselin. Or, of course, in many cases, by mutually deciding that it’s time to start a family with their opposite-sex partner.
The Heterosexual reproduction process is a truly amazing thing that takes nine months to happen. Here’s how it works.
First, you need two Heterosexuals, or one Heterosexual Female and a very, very, very drunk gay guy. Sometimes, these two Heterosexuals love each other (as in the case of your newly married friends), and other times they have just met while watching the Lakers game at the Pig and Whistle bar I discovered earlier. Whether they’re in love or not, if the Heterosexuals have unprotected Heterosexual intercourse, * they will likely create a baby. Heterosexual intercourse can take upwards of an hour or sometimes only a few minutes if the Heterosexual Male hasn’t had a lot of action lately.
Once the seed has been planted in the egg (see, I’d look like an idiot trying to explain that), the two things combine to form a new cell called a blastocyst, which, despite how itsounds, is not a racial slur. This blastocyst begins traveling through the fallopian tubes (this shit is crazy, right?!) toward the uterus, which takes roughly three days, which is kind of ridiculous when you realize that you can drive from Georgia to California in a matter of three days. Sure, you’d be doing a lot of driving and it’s best to take shifts with a friend so you don’t fall asleep at the wheel, and if you make it more like a week you get to stop in historical places like the Alamo or the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn. I know a guy who watched all the seasons of Damages in just three days. And by guy , I mean me. However, three days is the amount of time it takes to get that blasted blastocyst through those fallopian tubes and into the spacious uterus.
Once Mr. (or Ms.) Blastocyst gets to the uterus, it attaches itself onto the walls of the uterus, the way you might attach a poster of Selena Gomez to your wall if you’re a teenage boy or a weird lesbian. The uterus is basically a hotel, like a really nice, comfortable hotel. Not five stars by any means, but maybe three? OK, two stars, depending on the uterus. And it’s not all that spacious, either, unless you’re looking at it by New York City hotel room standards, in which case it’s huge . The view is shit, literally, but it’s comfortable and the blastocyst doesn’t mind staying there for roughly nine months. Once attached to the walls of this Sheraton Inn & Suites (a.k.a. the uterus), the blastocyst starts to develop into an embryo, and after four weeks it’s roughly the size of a poppy seed. A poppy seed is very specific, not a sunflower seed, not a flaxseed, but a poppy seed.Think about that the next time you order a poppy-seed bagel with cream cheese and lox.
Now, the female has this poppy seed attached to the uterine wall and she’s figured out she’s pregnant, or she hasn’t, in which case her family submits her for that I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant reality show and she gets to proudly tell all her friends, “I’m gonna be on TV!” There’s also a placenta and an umbilical cord forming, which is how the poppy seed that’s gonna one day be her pissed-off teenage daughter who keeps running up her Verizon bill is able to grow.
The pregnant Heterosexual Female will start to gain weight and have extreme mood swings. One minute she might be super-happy to be alive, but the next minute she’s craving pickles covered in brown gravy
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