to get through this, and who knows, perhaps we’ll all be back togetheragain soon, discussing all this anguish as if it were water under the bridge.
We are in the lorry again. I think it’s the same one as yesterday. Elvira chats to the soldiers… They joke. We are going downhill, towards the plain. Everything looks so pretty. It doesn’t seem possible that anyone should have to suffer, however poor and insignificant. The birds are singing all around, the river murmurs on our left, the sun has finally come out from behind the clouds and it’s hot. The pines above, the ashes and the poplars nearby are still. Only we are moving, always downwards. We see no one on the roads or in the villages we pass through, only groups of armed soldiers like those guarding us. We don’t know where we’re going. We are silent. We still have a little bit of food. We share it with the people next to us. Here there are no differences. We are all one family, such an unhappy family. I pick the crumbs from my skirt, one by one. It’s difficult, everything is moving. I’m not hungry but who knows when I will taste homemade bread again?
We have been stopped here for a while. I don’t know what they are discussing among themselves. Elvira comes over and whispers in my ear that for the time being we are going to Noguera. We will certainly spend the night there. I look at her and she seems as pretty as an angel to me. Even withher hair unwashed and uncombed. Of the three, she looks the most like her father… And him? How is he? Poor man. He’ll be thinking about us a lot.
I’d never been to Noguera. It’s big. The capital of the region. Here we see plenty of people. They look at us from a distance as if we’ve got the plague. And we have: fear, uncertainty, suffering… Now they say the prison is full. We have to stay in a warehouse above a garage until tomorrow. Luckily, it’s big. We stay close together instinctively, to support each other. We go to unroll the mattress to rest our heads. But what’s happening? Elvira clutches my neck and squeezes me so tightly that she almost chokes me. She’s crying, she cries without stopping… I can’t make her answer. What’s wrong? What’s wrong, girl? When I begin to tell her in a low voice, Look, all this will pass, maybe tomorrow… she hushes me. Mother, Mother, this morning they killed them all, near the bridge. A soldier I know from Montsent told me, just now… The news spreads through the room. The sound of wailing and crying is broken by names being called out and by periods of silence, by people falling to the ground and by the terror of the children, who don’t know what to do. I feel an axe-blow to the centre of my heart, but not one tear nor cry nor drop of blood comes out of me. I embrace my two daughters, an arm around each and I feel their tears like a streamthat cannot wash my wound. Angeleta buries her head in my skirt and I caress her hair with my right hand. I coil a lock around my fingers and I think of Jaume’s face, always smiling. A young woman cries and pulls at her hair. She rolls around on the floor making choking noises. And now at last I notice how my cheeks are slowly getting wet. Instead of a cry escaping, I feel a very strong pain in my throat, as if I am being strangled…
A soldier comes in, his eyes bulging out of his head. He shouts in Spanish, Silencio y a dormir . Shut up and go to sleep.
I’d always been afraid of death. Of death at home. Of having to speak in whispers and look at someone who’ll be carried off feet-first the next day to be buried in a hole. Of being kissed by everyone, of false condolences and sincere condolences and of seeing the reddened eyes of people I love. And now I didn’t even have a dead body. I was more afraid and more anguished not to have seen his body still, not to have seen his beautiful cheeks, once the colour of pomegranate flowers, pale and waxen. I was sad and I had no body with eyes to close, to
We are in the lorry again. I think it’s the same one as yesterday. Elvira chats to the soldiers… They joke. We are going downhill, towards the plain. Everything looks so pretty. It doesn’t seem possible that anyone should have to suffer, however poor and insignificant. The birds are singing all around, the river murmurs on our left, the sun has finally come out from behind the clouds and it’s hot. The pines above, the ashes and the poplars nearby are still. Only we are moving, always downwards. We see no one on the roads or in the villages we pass through, only groups of armed soldiers like those guarding us. We don’t know where we’re going. We are silent. We still have a little bit of food. We share it with the people next to us. Here there are no differences. We are all one family, such an unhappy family. I pick the crumbs from my skirt, one by one. It’s difficult, everything is moving. I’m not hungry but who knows when I will taste homemade bread again?
We have been stopped here for a while. I don’t know what they are discussing among themselves. Elvira comes over and whispers in my ear that for the time being we are going to Noguera. We will certainly spend the night there. I look at her and she seems as pretty as an angel to me. Even withher hair unwashed and uncombed. Of the three, she looks the most like her father… And him? How is he? Poor man. He’ll be thinking about us a lot.
I’d never been to Noguera. It’s big. The capital of the region. Here we see plenty of people. They look at us from a distance as if we’ve got the plague. And we have: fear, uncertainty, suffering… Now they say the prison is full. We have to stay in a warehouse above a garage until tomorrow. Luckily, it’s big. We stay close together instinctively, to support each other. We go to unroll the mattress to rest our heads. But what’s happening? Elvira clutches my neck and squeezes me so tightly that she almost chokes me. She’s crying, she cries without stopping… I can’t make her answer. What’s wrong? What’s wrong, girl? When I begin to tell her in a low voice, Look, all this will pass, maybe tomorrow… she hushes me. Mother, Mother, this morning they killed them all, near the bridge. A soldier I know from Montsent told me, just now… The news spreads through the room. The sound of wailing and crying is broken by names being called out and by periods of silence, by people falling to the ground and by the terror of the children, who don’t know what to do. I feel an axe-blow to the centre of my heart, but not one tear nor cry nor drop of blood comes out of me. I embrace my two daughters, an arm around each and I feel their tears like a streamthat cannot wash my wound. Angeleta buries her head in my skirt and I caress her hair with my right hand. I coil a lock around my fingers and I think of Jaume’s face, always smiling. A young woman cries and pulls at her hair. She rolls around on the floor making choking noises. And now at last I notice how my cheeks are slowly getting wet. Instead of a cry escaping, I feel a very strong pain in my throat, as if I am being strangled…
A soldier comes in, his eyes bulging out of his head. He shouts in Spanish, Silencio y a dormir . Shut up and go to sleep.
I’d always been afraid of death. Of death at home. Of having to speak in whispers and look at someone who’ll be carried off feet-first the next day to be buried in a hole. Of being kissed by everyone, of false condolences and sincere condolences and of seeing the reddened eyes of people I love. And now I didn’t even have a dead body. I was more afraid and more anguished not to have seen his body still, not to have seen his beautiful cheeks, once the colour of pomegranate flowers, pale and waxen. I was sad and I had no body with eyes to close, to
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