words, both the hurtful ones and the loving ones (you can give “I love you” away too soon), your actions, and the consequences of both. Then ask yourself this question: is he doing the same?
Be Vulnerable
No one wants to be with a cocky a-hole. At least not for long. (At first there’s a certain something about cocky bastards, isn’t there? Ya, I’ll give you that.) So trynot to be one. When you open your heart and let down your guard, allowing your new guy to see the parts of your mind (and body) you don’t share with the world, you give the relationship a chance to deepen. And again, ask yourself this question: is he reciprocating?
Be Transparent
Crazy-sexy, filmy lingerie is not what I’m talking about! Being transparent with someone means that you are striving for clear and honest communication. No mixed signals! If you’ve got insecurities (who doesn’t?) or have brought emotional baggage into this relationship (see “Don’t Past-Project” on this page ), you are at least trying to own up to it. Say it with me now: does he try to do the same for you?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER: THE MIXED-SIGNAL COCKTAIL
Ingredients:
1 man who wants his woman to read his mind, isn’t saying what he means, or is bringing assumptions to a conversation that have more to do with past experiences than the reality of the present moment
1 woman who wants her man to read her mind, isn’t saying what she means, or is bringing assumptions to a conversation that have more to do with past experiences than with the reality of the present moment
1 conversation about any of the following:
• What to do this weekend. (He says: “Do you want to come to a party with me? I’m cool with it if you don’t want to, but let’s meet up afterward anyway.” You hear: “I’m not ready to bring you as my girlfriend, so I hope you don’t want to come … but I do want some booty late at night.” What he
might
have meant: “I have to go, but I think it’s going to be a sucky party. I want to save you thehassle and I can leave early to meet you somewhere else.”)
• What you’d like for your birthday. (You say: “Really, I don’t want or need anything!” He hears: “Really, I don’t want or need anything!” What you
might
have meant: “I think it’s selfish and greedy to ask for anything, but I really hope you do something special for me!”)
• Whether he thinks the woman at the next table is attractive. (He says: “Yes, but not in
that
way and she doesn’t compare to you!” You hear: “I can’t take my eyes off her, so I will overcompensate by complimenting you.” What he
might
have meant: “I only have eyes for you. Really.”)
Directions:
Shake well and don’t expect a good outcome.
Don’t Past-Project
This is a fancy shrink way of saying you need to remember whom you are dealing with. This new guy is
not
the dude who hurt you badly all those years ago (or just last week). The guy who hurt you is in the past(right?), so leave him there. The only reason to ever go back to the past is to heal it, but do that with a therapist or a good friend. The new guy is not the person to process all that with.
Be Faithful
If the a-hole you had to ditch was a cheater, then you know firsthand how bad it feels to be cheated on, right? If you’ve never been cheated on, then let me tell you what the rest of the world knows: you shouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy. Being the cheater eats away at your soul (if you’ve got a soul at all), and if the other person has a nasty STD, the cheating could eat away at your body, too! If you want to play the field, do it honestly; make it clear you’re not interested in monogamy and let him decide for himself if he wants to stick around. Expect the same directness in return.
If you’re not ready to date again, consider getting a dog. After all …
• You can lock him in the bathroom if he humps your friends.
• You can blame your gas on him.
• You can have his balls removed
Be Vulnerable
No one wants to be with a cocky a-hole. At least not for long. (At first there’s a certain something about cocky bastards, isn’t there? Ya, I’ll give you that.) So trynot to be one. When you open your heart and let down your guard, allowing your new guy to see the parts of your mind (and body) you don’t share with the world, you give the relationship a chance to deepen. And again, ask yourself this question: is he reciprocating?
Be Transparent
Crazy-sexy, filmy lingerie is not what I’m talking about! Being transparent with someone means that you are striving for clear and honest communication. No mixed signals! If you’ve got insecurities (who doesn’t?) or have brought emotional baggage into this relationship (see “Don’t Past-Project” on this page ), you are at least trying to own up to it. Say it with me now: does he try to do the same for you?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER: THE MIXED-SIGNAL COCKTAIL
Ingredients:
1 man who wants his woman to read his mind, isn’t saying what he means, or is bringing assumptions to a conversation that have more to do with past experiences than the reality of the present moment
1 woman who wants her man to read her mind, isn’t saying what she means, or is bringing assumptions to a conversation that have more to do with past experiences than with the reality of the present moment
1 conversation about any of the following:
• What to do this weekend. (He says: “Do you want to come to a party with me? I’m cool with it if you don’t want to, but let’s meet up afterward anyway.” You hear: “I’m not ready to bring you as my girlfriend, so I hope you don’t want to come … but I do want some booty late at night.” What he
might
have meant: “I have to go, but I think it’s going to be a sucky party. I want to save you thehassle and I can leave early to meet you somewhere else.”)
• What you’d like for your birthday. (You say: “Really, I don’t want or need anything!” He hears: “Really, I don’t want or need anything!” What you
might
have meant: “I think it’s selfish and greedy to ask for anything, but I really hope you do something special for me!”)
• Whether he thinks the woman at the next table is attractive. (He says: “Yes, but not in
that
way and she doesn’t compare to you!” You hear: “I can’t take my eyes off her, so I will overcompensate by complimenting you.” What he
might
have meant: “I only have eyes for you. Really.”)
Directions:
Shake well and don’t expect a good outcome.
Don’t Past-Project
This is a fancy shrink way of saying you need to remember whom you are dealing with. This new guy is
not
the dude who hurt you badly all those years ago (or just last week). The guy who hurt you is in the past(right?), so leave him there. The only reason to ever go back to the past is to heal it, but do that with a therapist or a good friend. The new guy is not the person to process all that with.
Be Faithful
If the a-hole you had to ditch was a cheater, then you know firsthand how bad it feels to be cheated on, right? If you’ve never been cheated on, then let me tell you what the rest of the world knows: you shouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy. Being the cheater eats away at your soul (if you’ve got a soul at all), and if the other person has a nasty STD, the cheating could eat away at your body, too! If you want to play the field, do it honestly; make it clear you’re not interested in monogamy and let him decide for himself if he wants to stick around. Expect the same directness in return.
If you’re not ready to date again, consider getting a dog. After all …
• You can lock him in the bathroom if he humps your friends.
• You can blame your gas on him.
• You can have his balls removed
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