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Authors: Jenny McCarthy
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service and likely wouldn’t get to wear as many cute clothes. Okay, not the most perfect job after all. Sounds just as chaotic and stressful as my chosen path. Maybe more so. Sorry, guidance counselors of the world. Hang in there!
I once worked in this great little Polish grocery in Chicago. That’s a good job. Talk about not having to bring your work home with you. Punch in, punch lots of buttons, punch out. No stress, no mess. Behind a cash register, there is no chaos. There’s a shiny button for everything, and it makes a sound to let you know you’ve made the correct choice.
I even went to work there on acid twice. That’s the sign of a radically great job—you can do it just fine while being higher than Mount Everest.
I loved selling Lotto tickets (and booze to minors; they are always so grateful!). I loved counting change back to customers, but if I was feeling lazy, the register would do that work for me and tell me exactly how much to give back. I loved trying to figure out how best to pack someone’s groceries in the fewest number of bags without the bags getting so heavy they’d break(so much easier than figuring out how to stuff my own body into shapewear that won’t smash my boobs).
I even liked the crabby customers. Because grocery store customers complain about the price of produce and dog food, the weather, insufficient parking spaces, traffic, and shampoo that makes their hair fall out. They don’t complain about you not having enough time for them. They never ask you to change so that you’ll be “more appealing to viewers.” They don’t expect more from you than you are already giving.
Of course, there were downsides to being a cashier. There was the fear of robbery to contend with (made more alarming on acid), shoplifters, and the dreaded bathroom mop-out every few hours. And clock punching isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be in terms of salary. I do remember that.
I guess I’ll go back to being me.
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Ingredients:
1 job you like well enough
At least 2 people you can lean on
1 very deep bathtub with Jacuzzi jets
Fun fantasies that remind you to be grateful for what you’ve already got
Ten Signs You’re Getting Older
1. You reference decades-old TV ads when telling stories or giving advice (see this page ).
2. Separate beds make sense to you.
3. Going to bed is your favorite part of each day.
4. You get a charley horse making love.
5. You can’t walk up two flights of stairs without needing a break.
6. You consider wrapping packs of gum as Christmas presents.
7. You watch church on TV on Sunday instead of going.
8. You have no idea what a fourteen-year-old is saying to you.
9. You will make a line of people wait while you count out exact change.
10. You can’t talk your way out of a traffic ticket.
When All Else Fails … Have an Orgasm for the Soul
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Ingredients:
10 minutes to yourself
A secluded place or a soundproof room
1 box of tissues (or the hem of your dress or the sleeve of your shirt)
No access to social media
When I can’t fantasize my way out of a bad day, my preferred coping method is to clench my butt cheeks, square my shoulders, plaster a big smile on my face, and breathe deeply. Making lists to prioritize what’s on my plate can stabilize me. Chocolate-covered anything helps. So does repeating the mantra “This too shall pass.”
Which was working well enough one busy, stressful day until I found myself at Trader Joe’s getting wineand peanut butter pretzels after work. The pimply cashier (who was no doubt busy enjoying his stress-free day; see this page ) said, “Hey, I know you … oh no, maybe not. Forget it, you are way too old to be her.” Did that mean he thought I was me, but that my up-close face didn’t match the Jenny McCarthy he’d seen on TV? Or did it mean he thought I resembled another actress—Jennie Garth, maybe?—but that my clearly advanced age made it impossible I
I once worked in this great little Polish grocery in Chicago. That’s a good job. Talk about not having to bring your work home with you. Punch in, punch lots of buttons, punch out. No stress, no mess. Behind a cash register, there is no chaos. There’s a shiny button for everything, and it makes a sound to let you know you’ve made the correct choice.
I even went to work there on acid twice. That’s the sign of a radically great job—you can do it just fine while being higher than Mount Everest.
I loved selling Lotto tickets (and booze to minors; they are always so grateful!). I loved counting change back to customers, but if I was feeling lazy, the register would do that work for me and tell me exactly how much to give back. I loved trying to figure out how best to pack someone’s groceries in the fewest number of bags without the bags getting so heavy they’d break(so much easier than figuring out how to stuff my own body into shapewear that won’t smash my boobs).
I even liked the crabby customers. Because grocery store customers complain about the price of produce and dog food, the weather, insufficient parking spaces, traffic, and shampoo that makes their hair fall out. They don’t complain about you not having enough time for them. They never ask you to change so that you’ll be “more appealing to viewers.” They don’t expect more from you than you are already giving.
Of course, there were downsides to being a cashier. There was the fear of robbery to contend with (made more alarming on acid), shoplifters, and the dreaded bathroom mop-out every few hours. And clock punching isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be in terms of salary. I do remember that.
I guess I’ll go back to being me.
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Ingredients:
1 job you like well enough
At least 2 people you can lean on
1 very deep bathtub with Jacuzzi jets
Fun fantasies that remind you to be grateful for what you’ve already got
Ten Signs You’re Getting Older
1. You reference decades-old TV ads when telling stories or giving advice (see this page ).
2. Separate beds make sense to you.
3. Going to bed is your favorite part of each day.
4. You get a charley horse making love.
5. You can’t walk up two flights of stairs without needing a break.
6. You consider wrapping packs of gum as Christmas presents.
7. You watch church on TV on Sunday instead of going.
8. You have no idea what a fourteen-year-old is saying to you.
9. You will make a line of people wait while you count out exact change.
10. You can’t talk your way out of a traffic ticket.
When All Else Fails … Have an Orgasm for the Soul
RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
Ingredients:
10 minutes to yourself
A secluded place or a soundproof room
1 box of tissues (or the hem of your dress or the sleeve of your shirt)
No access to social media
When I can’t fantasize my way out of a bad day, my preferred coping method is to clench my butt cheeks, square my shoulders, plaster a big smile on my face, and breathe deeply. Making lists to prioritize what’s on my plate can stabilize me. Chocolate-covered anything helps. So does repeating the mantra “This too shall pass.”
Which was working well enough one busy, stressful day until I found myself at Trader Joe’s getting wineand peanut butter pretzels after work. The pimply cashier (who was no doubt busy enjoying his stress-free day; see this page ) said, “Hey, I know you … oh no, maybe not. Forget it, you are way too old to be her.” Did that mean he thought I was me, but that my up-close face didn’t match the Jenny McCarthy he’d seen on TV? Or did it mean he thought I resembled another actress—Jennie Garth, maybe?—but that my clearly advanced age made it impossible I
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