Read Online Steele Resolve (The Detective Jasmine Steele Series Book 1) by Kimberly Amato - Free Book Online
Book: Steele Resolve (The Detective Jasmine Steele Series Book 1) by Kimberly Amato
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Authors: Kimberly Amato
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always crystal clear. So, I made it a self-actualizing prophecy. I shut down my heart and didn’t let her help me with my mourning period.
Chase lived with us while my brother’s paperwork was sorted out. Never knew how difficult death was on the rain forest. All those papers, signatures and so many lawyers getting their hands in the cookie jar. Frankie tried to help me make sense of it all, but like I said I shut down. She used to put papers in front of me and point to a line. I signed my name and she would put the next document in front of me. Chase liked her but he was in his own world as well. No matter how hard Frankie tried to help, we didn’t let her. She moved out a little while later. I think she knew I needed to do it on my own regardless of her being my life partner or not.
Next thing I knew the papers were finalized and the courts officially handed me Chase. Me. A cop, failed writer and villain chaser. A person, who is gay, being told you have a son legally, and you never gave birth to them, freaked me out. I never thought they would trust me to be responsible for another human being. There I was in the courtroom responsible for a child that had the same walls build up around his heart that I did. We’d both lived through the same torment, just a different perspective. You ever hold hands with someone and it felt like you had to, no emotion behind it, just emptiness? The first time Chase held my hand and we walked to the car as guardian and child, we were both empty. I love him now as much as then, but we were both suffering and nothing could break those walls down.
Since I couldn’t really control my situation with Chase, I controlled what I could. Sleep rarely came to me, so I dove deep into work all hours of the night. I would make sure Chase ate and got to his new school. He didn’t lack for anything he truly needed and sometimes, when I had a little extra cash, I would get something special for him. We rarely spoke at all during the first few months he was here. Nothing to say I guess.
I never ate either. Food always hit my stomach like a ton of bricks burying themselves in an acid pool. Once it was down, it came up. Maybe it was a mental thing, but I never had a stomach of steel like my brother. So, instead of dealing with the pain of vomiting, cramps, indigestion or whatever else – I just stopped eating. Frankie noticed it first but said nothing. The other girls yelled at me a lot. I just let the voices fade into nothingness. They start to sound like flies buzzing around your head. Frankie was the only voice I heard most of the time. She got me those canned shakes. Sometimes I remembered to drink one, sometimes I threw them up, but for her I tried.
I’ll admit the walls are still up, crumbling but still there. The day they began to fall was the day Chase crawled into my bed and finally let go. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking the millions of ways I could have saved my brother and his wife. The door opened and he padded across the floor, saying nothing. He lifted the blankets and climbed into bed. He slid over to me and put his head on my shoulder. I remember my shirt being wet with his tears as he finally let his feelings show. I kissed the top of his head and said nothing. Just wrapped him up in a hug and for the first time in what felt like ages, I fell asleep.
Since then, he’s grown a little more attached to me. He talks more and actually eats a full meal instead of pushing various items around his plate until I took it away. His eyes have more life to them as well, although I am not sure how much more they have to go to be normal. Does anyone really become normal after all this shit? What is normal anyway? Looking down at the images of the victims, I wonder if they thought they were normal. Were they doing normal things in their normal lives before something came along and made it abnormal?
Realizing the papers were on the table neatly sorted, I sit on the couch. Starring at
Chase lived with us while my brother’s paperwork was sorted out. Never knew how difficult death was on the rain forest. All those papers, signatures and so many lawyers getting their hands in the cookie jar. Frankie tried to help me make sense of it all, but like I said I shut down. She used to put papers in front of me and point to a line. I signed my name and she would put the next document in front of me. Chase liked her but he was in his own world as well. No matter how hard Frankie tried to help, we didn’t let her. She moved out a little while later. I think she knew I needed to do it on my own regardless of her being my life partner or not.
Next thing I knew the papers were finalized and the courts officially handed me Chase. Me. A cop, failed writer and villain chaser. A person, who is gay, being told you have a son legally, and you never gave birth to them, freaked me out. I never thought they would trust me to be responsible for another human being. There I was in the courtroom responsible for a child that had the same walls build up around his heart that I did. We’d both lived through the same torment, just a different perspective. You ever hold hands with someone and it felt like you had to, no emotion behind it, just emptiness? The first time Chase held my hand and we walked to the car as guardian and child, we were both empty. I love him now as much as then, but we were both suffering and nothing could break those walls down.
Since I couldn’t really control my situation with Chase, I controlled what I could. Sleep rarely came to me, so I dove deep into work all hours of the night. I would make sure Chase ate and got to his new school. He didn’t lack for anything he truly needed and sometimes, when I had a little extra cash, I would get something special for him. We rarely spoke at all during the first few months he was here. Nothing to say I guess.
I never ate either. Food always hit my stomach like a ton of bricks burying themselves in an acid pool. Once it was down, it came up. Maybe it was a mental thing, but I never had a stomach of steel like my brother. So, instead of dealing with the pain of vomiting, cramps, indigestion or whatever else – I just stopped eating. Frankie noticed it first but said nothing. The other girls yelled at me a lot. I just let the voices fade into nothingness. They start to sound like flies buzzing around your head. Frankie was the only voice I heard most of the time. She got me those canned shakes. Sometimes I remembered to drink one, sometimes I threw them up, but for her I tried.
I’ll admit the walls are still up, crumbling but still there. The day they began to fall was the day Chase crawled into my bed and finally let go. I was staring at the ceiling, thinking the millions of ways I could have saved my brother and his wife. The door opened and he padded across the floor, saying nothing. He lifted the blankets and climbed into bed. He slid over to me and put his head on my shoulder. I remember my shirt being wet with his tears as he finally let his feelings show. I kissed the top of his head and said nothing. Just wrapped him up in a hug and for the first time in what felt like ages, I fell asleep.
Since then, he’s grown a little more attached to me. He talks more and actually eats a full meal instead of pushing various items around his plate until I took it away. His eyes have more life to them as well, although I am not sure how much more they have to go to be normal. Does anyone really become normal after all this shit? What is normal anyway? Looking down at the images of the victims, I wonder if they thought they were normal. Were they doing normal things in their normal lives before something came along and made it abnormal?
Realizing the papers were on the table neatly sorted, I sit on the couch. Starring at
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