nuts as Jake, in my own way.
I’d left Jake’s loft filled with fury, but on the train ride home, I felt the black fingers of depression tugging at me. I’d been fighting them off for a year, but the blackness always loomed, threatening to take me over. I knew if I stopped moving and turned around to see its face, it would eat me alive. My anger faded, leaving a killer headache in its wake.
I didn’t even take my coat off after I entered my apartment. I just sat at the dining-room table (a mammoth metal thing Jake had made and which I hated more with each passing day for its cold and utterly unwelcoming aura) and flipped open the file, which was crammed with newspaper articles, documents, and pages of handwritten notes in what I recognized as Jake’s nearly illegible scrawl.
At first glance it seemed like a jumble of unconnected pieces of information, most of which was already known to me. I noticed a copy of the medical examiner’s report from the night Max died; I flipped through the stapled pages, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary to me (not that I’d ever seen an actual medical examiner’s report). Jake had circled the estimated time of death, but it seemed consistent with what I knew about that night. I saw that Esme Gray had identified the body. This gave me pause. I had always believed that my father had been the one to ID the body. Max’s face was ruined, I remember him telling me; he wasn’t wearing a seat belt and had gone through the windshield. Jake had circled Esme’s name but I couldn’t determine why.
There were a few articles from the days following Max’s death reporting the incident, as well as some larger features about Max and his philanthropy, about his foundation being established to fund programs that aided battered women and abused children, about his incredibly successful career as a real-estate developer. I flipped through these without really reading Jake’s notes in the margins—the ones I glanced at seemed vague and somewhat weird, paranoid. For example, next to a sentence that lauded Max’s charity work, Jake had written: Lies!
The next grouping of articles seemed to have no relationship to Max at all; they were various crime stories about the tristate area and from around the world. The London Times reported on a frightening trend of young women in Eastern Europe disappearing from nightclubs and raves, never to be heard from again. The Guardian reported on the investigation of the murder of a young black woman whose torso was found floating in a canal. Police were making tentative connections between the young woman, who was of African Caribbean descent, and the ritual killings of a young boy and a prostitute earlier in the year, whose dismembered bodies were found in close proximity. A printout from the BBC website reported on the trafficking of women and children out of Albania and their subsequent torture and sexual slavery. The whole enterprise was nearly impossible to prevent or prosecute because of the Albanian and Italian police forces’ collusion with organized crime and the unwillingness of the women who had been rescued to identify their captors. There were pictures of an Albanian Mafia speedboat being intercepted by police in the Adriatic Sea, some photos of pretty, sad-faced women standing before a judge, some blurry images of known mobsters at a table in a café.
There were several articles from the New York Times related to organized crime, to body parts found in the East River, a murder on the Upper West Side, some missing young women. At the time, I didn’t see anything that connected them. Ugly news about an ugly world—what else was new? I realize now that I came to that file wanting it to prove that Jake had grown unstable, that he was grasping at straws. And I saw what I wanted to see: nothing. I released a sigh and realized that I was sweating. I shifted off my coat and closed my eyes. When I opened them again the room swam with my fatigue; I
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