not going back on the Cymbalta. It didn’t
do anything for the depression, it just made me unable to sleep, highly
irritable and even more suicidal. I don’t even know what the hell the Lamictal
was for, because I jumped from depressed to invincibility and in between like a
ping-pong ball. And every time that I complained that it wasn’t working, they’d
just up the dosage and tell me that I’d soon start to feel better. If I go back
to Golden Ridge or to any psychiatrist, I’ll just be put on a different
cocktail. I’ve been ‘unwell’ for the past eight years, and I have been on every
imaginable dosage of every imaginable medication. The Lexapro caused insomnia
and made me hallucinate, because of the lack of sleep. The Seroquel made me
gain 25 pounds in one month and put me well on the path of Type 2 Diabetes. The
Ambien didn’t make me sleep. The Ambien CR made me fall asleep for about two
hours, but then I’d wake up again and find myself staring at the walls. The
melatonin was the same. Abilify made me strung out and unable to concentrate,
so I’d have to take a Lorazepam to counter its effect. The Lorazepam made me
feel as if I was living in a vacuum; I was always drowsy, always sluggish and
complete devoid of all senses. Hell, I even had a psychiatrist who had me on
Benadryl, Ambien CR and melatonin at night, but I still could not sleep.
I am not taking any more fucking medication!”
Bryn whistled. “Bloody hell Noira.”
“Indeed!” I reached for my teacup and took a sip.
“You’ve made my tea go cold.”
“I’ll put on another pot,” Bryn said, standing up.
I wiped away the tears that were forming as he walked
away, took up his phone and dialled Maman’s number. Knowing her, she’d have her
phone in her pocket and would be checking it every other minute until I called.
She answered on the first ring.
“Hello?” she said; she sounded breathless.
“Hi Maman,” I replied.
“Ça va? Tu n’étais pas là ce matin et…”
“Maman, I’m fine, don’t worry. I didn’t want to wake
you last night,” I said. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”
“Are you taking your medication? Bryn said that you
have it with you, but the bottles are here…”
“Dr. Mintz brought me medicine this morning,” I said.
“Nina’s doctor?” Maman asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
She knew that Dr. Mintz was Bryn’s mother personal
physician, so this news would calm her down.
“Okay, that’s good. When will you come home?” she
asked.
“That’s why I called you,” I said, taking a deep
breath. “Please don’t be offended by this Maman, but if it’s alright with you,
I’d like to stay with Bryn for a few more days. I know that it wasn’t your
intention, but it feels as if I’m living in a prison at home. You and Cienna
are always watching me, and it’s not doing anything for my self-esteem. I need
to be alone for a while and to do normal things without having to look over my
shoulder to see if I am being watched.”
Maman was silent.
“I know that you only want the best for me,” I
continued. “I promise that I’ll take my medicine. Bryn has been very persistent
about this.”
“Yes,” Maman finally replied. Her voice was deadpan.
“I assumed that he would be. He’s very responsible, Bryn…”
Bryn rounded the corner.
“Maman, I have to go. Bryn is bringing the tea.”
“Wait!” she said anxiously. “You will come home in a
few days, won’t you?”
“Oui, Maman.”
“A plus tard, alors,” she said. “Je t’aime.”
“I love you too ,” I replied. “See you.”
Bryn sat down and began pouring my tea. “All went
well?”
“Yes,” I said. “I told her that I was fine and that
I’d be home in a few days.”
“So you’re staying over?” Bryn asked, smiling.
I shook my head and smiled back. “I’ve got no place to
go, do I? I can’t exactly go to…”
“Tal’s?” Bryn guessed.
“That’s the one.”
“You’re even worse than I am,” he
do anything for the depression, it just made me unable to sleep, highly
irritable and even more suicidal. I don’t even know what the hell the Lamictal
was for, because I jumped from depressed to invincibility and in between like a
ping-pong ball. And every time that I complained that it wasn’t working, they’d
just up the dosage and tell me that I’d soon start to feel better. If I go back
to Golden Ridge or to any psychiatrist, I’ll just be put on a different
cocktail. I’ve been ‘unwell’ for the past eight years, and I have been on every
imaginable dosage of every imaginable medication. The Lexapro caused insomnia
and made me hallucinate, because of the lack of sleep. The Seroquel made me
gain 25 pounds in one month and put me well on the path of Type 2 Diabetes. The
Ambien didn’t make me sleep. The Ambien CR made me fall asleep for about two
hours, but then I’d wake up again and find myself staring at the walls. The
melatonin was the same. Abilify made me strung out and unable to concentrate,
so I’d have to take a Lorazepam to counter its effect. The Lorazepam made me
feel as if I was living in a vacuum; I was always drowsy, always sluggish and
complete devoid of all senses. Hell, I even had a psychiatrist who had me on
Benadryl, Ambien CR and melatonin at night, but I still could not sleep.
I am not taking any more fucking medication!”
Bryn whistled. “Bloody hell Noira.”
“Indeed!” I reached for my teacup and took a sip.
“You’ve made my tea go cold.”
“I’ll put on another pot,” Bryn said, standing up.
I wiped away the tears that were forming as he walked
away, took up his phone and dialled Maman’s number. Knowing her, she’d have her
phone in her pocket and would be checking it every other minute until I called.
She answered on the first ring.
“Hello?” she said; she sounded breathless.
“Hi Maman,” I replied.
“Ça va? Tu n’étais pas là ce matin et…”
“Maman, I’m fine, don’t worry. I didn’t want to wake
you last night,” I said. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”
“Are you taking your medication? Bryn said that you
have it with you, but the bottles are here…”
“Dr. Mintz brought me medicine this morning,” I said.
“Nina’s doctor?” Maman asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
She knew that Dr. Mintz was Bryn’s mother personal
physician, so this news would calm her down.
“Okay, that’s good. When will you come home?” she
asked.
“That’s why I called you,” I said, taking a deep
breath. “Please don’t be offended by this Maman, but if it’s alright with you,
I’d like to stay with Bryn for a few more days. I know that it wasn’t your
intention, but it feels as if I’m living in a prison at home. You and Cienna
are always watching me, and it’s not doing anything for my self-esteem. I need
to be alone for a while and to do normal things without having to look over my
shoulder to see if I am being watched.”
Maman was silent.
“I know that you only want the best for me,” I
continued. “I promise that I’ll take my medicine. Bryn has been very persistent
about this.”
“Yes,” Maman finally replied. Her voice was deadpan.
“I assumed that he would be. He’s very responsible, Bryn…”
Bryn rounded the corner.
“Maman, I have to go. Bryn is bringing the tea.”
“Wait!” she said anxiously. “You will come home in a
few days, won’t you?”
“Oui, Maman.”
“A plus tard, alors,” she said. “Je t’aime.”
“I love you too ,” I replied. “See you.”
Bryn sat down and began pouring my tea. “All went
well?”
“Yes,” I said. “I told her that I was fine and that
I’d be home in a few days.”
“So you’re staying over?” Bryn asked, smiling.
I shook my head and smiled back. “I’ve got no place to
go, do I? I can’t exactly go to…”
“Tal’s?” Bryn guessed.
“That’s the one.”
“You’re even worse than I am,” he
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