Read Online Sink or Swim by Bob Balaban - Free Book Online

across.
    Uncle Marvin opens the door a crack and peers out at us. He has a long white mustache that droops over the corners of his mouth like a walrus, and a mop of unruly gray hair that looks like animals are living in it. He wears a ratty bathrobe over ancient striped yellow and blue pajamas, even though it is four thirty in the afternoon.
    â€œHi, Uncle Marvin.” I step onto the porch and hold out my claw. Instead of shaking it, my uncle just stands there looking quizzically at me. His mouth hangs open. It always does. That’s why everyone in my family refers to him as “Marvin the Mouth Breather.”
    â€œDoes your uncle’s mouth always hang down like that?” Lucille whispers.
    â€œOnly when he breathes,” I reply.
    â€œWho is it, Marv?” Aunt Harriet’s booming voice rumbles through the house like distant thunder.
    â€œIt’s your mutant dinosaur nephew and some of his pals,” Uncle Marvin calls back. “He’s even bigger than I remembered. Come have a look-see.” Uncle Marvin sneezes so loudly it hurts my earflaps.
    â€œWe were wondering if you would mind answering a few questions, Mr. O’Connor—” Sam begins.
    Before Uncle Marvin has a chance to reply, Aunt Harriet appears behind him in the doorway. A short, round woman with a beak-like nose and tiny black eyes, she says, “If you kids came over to wish me happy birthday, you’re three days early.”
    â€œWe just stopped by to ask a few questions, Aunt Harriet.”
    â€œMy, oh my!” my aunt exclaims. “Look at you, Charlie. You’re getting greener and slimier every day.”
    Sam and Lucille shoot me quick “what’s up with your weird aunt?” looks.
    â€œYeah,” Uncle Marvin says unenthusiastically. “He sure is.” He sneezes again. Harriet hands him a Kleenex.
    â€œDid anybody ever tell you that you look just like your grandmother Nana Wallabird, may she rest in peace?” Aunt Harriet shuffles onto the porch to get a closer look at me. “Same eyes. Same sloping forehead. And just look at that tail.” She shakes her head approvingly. “He’s a Wallabird all right, isn’t he, Marv?”
    â€œYou took the words right out of my mouth,” Uncle Marvin replies.
    â€œWell, don’t just stand there, Charlie,” Aunt Harriet orders. “Hug your old auntie.” She opens her arms and throws them around me, squeezing me so tightly I can hardly catch my breath.
    â€œGreat to see you too, Aunt Harriet.” I gasp for air as I disentangle myself from her grasp.
    â€œSay, I remember you kids!” Aunt Harriet eyes Sam and Lucille. “You must be . . . Lucille. And of course you’re Sam. I could never forget that fake nose ring! Come on in, everybody. I’ll get you a nice hot cup of lemon verbena.”
    â€œI’m afraid we can’t stay very long, Aunt Harriet.” I step back on the little porch. It sags under my enormous weight. “We just wanted to ask a few questions about Uncle Marvin’s robbery, if that’s okay.”
    â€œBe my guest.” Aunt Harriet cocks her head to one side and listens attentively.
    â€œCan you describe the person who stole your bag of shoes, Mr. O’Connor?” Lucille asks.
    â€œLike I told the police, whoever took those things went to great pains to avoid being seen. I didn’t even catch a glimpse of the guy.”
    â€œAre you absolutely sure of that, sir?” Lucille asks.
    â€œAs sure as I’m standing here,” my uncle answers.
    â€œMarv always tells the truth, Lucille,” my aunt says. “You can depend on Marv O’Connor like you can depend on it to rain on your new shoes. If you have any.” She points at my bare flippers and chuckles.
    â€œCan you describe the exact circumstances of the robbery, Mr. O’Connor?” Sam asks.
    â€œWhy make such a big fuss about a bunch of