Read Online Shattered by Death (A Jo Oliver Thriller Book 2) by Catherine Finger - Free Book Online Page A

that this time would be worthwhile, asking God to help me think of topics that would make it clear I was trying hard to cooperate.
    It wasn’t the cop thing that had me sweating. Managing cops and criminals was second nature to me. The thought of parenting full time, and on my own, terrified me. Being with Samantha, taking care of her, being there for her—that was easy and filled my heart with peace and the deepest love I’d ever known. Thinking of myself as her mother—as anyone’s mother—kept me up at night.
    What if I fail? What if I’m a horrible mother? What if I have to work and can’t find a sitter? What if Donna can’t come through in a pinch? What if there’s no room at the local day care the day I really need emergency assistance? What if? What if? What if?
    “Do you, Josie?” Kira’s voice had taken on the cool edge she got upon repeating herself.
    What had she just asked me? Had I said anything so far? I had to get with the program if I ever wanted to have a shot at finding out if I had what it took to be a mom. So I decided to go on the offensive and just dive right in.
    “Hey, you should be proud of me. I already know the issues I want to discuss today. There are a few, and I’m ready to unpack them all with you.” That had to be worth some major shrink points. Due to reading back issues of my favorite magazine , I felt like I was getting the lingo down pat.
    “Oh, really? Do tell. Pick one, and let’s begin.” She wasn’t buying it. Clever of her to throw the ball back in my court, though.
    “Okay, let’s go for the mother lode, then.”
    “And what exactly might that be?” Her voice was smooth river stone while her lips shifted back toward an insincere smile.
    “Ah, well, that’s it—the mother lode of motherhood.” I sat back, sighing like a flattening tire. Three minutes into the session, and I was already sharing real things. That wasn’t in the plan.
    “So, what are you feeling about this?” Her eyes bored into mine like a bare light bulb in a dark basement.
    Did she think I was lying to her? Did she think I was hiding something? Was I hiding something?
    “Nothing. Well, everything. It’s just that I so very much want to adopt Samantha, and I’m scared to death at the same time and embarrassed to be struggling with these strong feelings. But I can’t seem to shake them. I mean I’m happy and everything, and I really want to be her mom. But what if I fail her? I’ve never been a mom before. Everyone seems to do it with relative ease, like they know something I don’t.”
    Tears moistened my eyes, and my chest tightened. I hated to confess my fears, show my weakness, to a woman I trusted so little. And who held the pen to my future. For a hundred and ten bucks an hour.
    Maybe I could pretend I was talking to Donna, and I was here to really let ‘er rip. What harm could it do to share some real fear and see what happened? I’m safe here, right? Then why did I feel like I had an open wound in the middle of an ocean filled with sharks? Calm down, shut up, and talk.
    I decided to stick a toe in, start with the feelings. Kira’d like that whole ‘feelings’ thing. “I like the way she feels lying next to me on the sofa when I visit her at the Murrays.”
    “Go on.” She didn’t seem all that thrilled with my opener.
    “She feels like a puppy lying there sometimes. Like she has all the faith in the universe that I’ll protect her and take care of her. She just closes her eyes and relaxes into me without a care in the world. I love that feeling. And I’m afraid I’m not worthy of it.”
    “Where does that fear come from?” Kira sat up straight, grabbing her computer tablet’s stylus.
    I stared at her, trying to guess what she was after. Nothing came to me after rolling her question around in my mind.
    “You fear not being worthy of Samantha’s trust. Why? What happened to make you feel unworthy?”
    “Umm, I’m not sure.” I was hoping I could hold out