Read Online Sex and Other Changes by David Nobbs - Free Book Online Page B

didn’t get a taxi from the station, because he hadn’t the courage to say, ‘Gender identity clinic, please, guv.’ He walked the streets of the big city, anonymous in the crowds, a tiny insignificant ant but also a very important person beginning a huge drama. As he got near he began to feel nervous, and when he saw the sign ‘Gender Identity Clinic’ on the discreet bland concrete building he panicked and walked straight past. Ridiculous! Nobody he knew could possibly see him here. He forced himself to turn back and enter the clinic proudly, with his head held high.
    â€˜Mr Divot to see Doctor Langridge,’ he said, and the receptionist gave him a friendly but not inquisitive smile (very professional, far too good for the Cornucopia; surely if a heart beat under that blouse she must be curious about the kind of patients who went to the clinic?) and invited him to sit down.
    He couldn’t find a magazine with a bridge problem. He began to read an article with the absurd title of ‘Our Changing Attitudes to Faces. Has the ear had its day?’
    Ears were not his problem.
    â€˜Mr Divot?’
    Doctor E.F. Langridge, MB ChB FRCPsych FRANZCPsych had a very pleasant, gentle voice. He almost made Nick’s surname sound acceptable.
    â€˜Yes,’ he replied.
    No problem so far! Interview going well!
    Doctor Langridge wasn’t tall, and he was quite broad, but hedidn’t look fat, it was all muscle. Nick thought he’d probably played rugger in his youth.
    He shook Nick’s hand. Well, it would be more accurate to say that he crushed Nick’s hand. Nick’s eyes watered. Was the handshake a test of his masculinity? How much did he have to read into everything?
    Doctor Langridge’s office was like his voice, not his handshake. They sat, not facing each other across a desk but in leather armchairs. The walls were painted in restful pastel colours. They looked as if the clinic had employed a colour psychology stress reduction consultant.
    There were a few preliminaries about coffee and travel, and then Doctor Langridge changed gear, but gently, and said, ‘Tell me a bit about yourself, and your feelings about your gender.’
    â€˜I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body.’
    Doctor Langridge frowned.
    â€˜I hear that phrase a lot,’ he said. ‘They all use it. They’ve got it from the newspapers.’
    â€˜Well, it’s hard to put it any other way.’
    â€˜Try.’
    â€˜I … er … I feel humiliated by not feeling right about my … maleness.’
    Doctor Langridge waited patiently. Nick could just hear the muffled roar of the heavy city traffic. It emphasised the silence rather than disturbing it.
    â€˜I …’ This was so difficult. ‘I … just don’t feel right about myself and I never have, not for one single day. I feel a fraud as a man. I feel I’m playing a part and playing it badly.’
    â€˜Yes. Good. This is all rather generalised, Mr Divot. I have to assess your suitability for this very serious, lengthy and expensive process, which is to all intents and purposes irreversible.’ He laid great emphasis on that last word. ‘I have to assess your needs, the depth of your suffering, the depth of yourunderstanding of what you are proposing to let yourself in for. It’ll be difficult for me to accept you if you can’t illustrate your condition a little more specifically than that.’
    This was all a great surprise to Nick. It hadn’t crossed his mind that he might be rejected.
    â€˜You see, Mr Divot, people get books from the library – some even buy them – and read up all about it to impress me.’
    â€˜Really? Do they really?’
    â€˜What I want is some insight into you, Mr Divot.’
    â€˜Right. Well, I … there are an awful lot of male activities that I just don’t enjoy.’
    â€˜Such as?’
    â€˜I can’t