hate myself. I fucking hate myself. My chest is heavy and I can’t pull air into my lungs with each second that goes by. I realize how pathetic and worthless of a human I really am. I’m in a downward spiral and can’t pull from it.
Ava and Darby back up, letting Kip near me. He bends down, holding out his arms and I panic.
“No,” I scream and slam back into the wall of the garage. “No.”
“Chloe, you’ve been triggered and need to calm down. I need you to breathe and work through it.” He raises both hands and steps back. “I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, but you need to breathe in and out, okay?”
Kip’s voice is soothing and trained. So are his facial features and hand gestures. He’s a good guy trying to help and it only guts me even further. It’s the final fucking dull knife buried deep in my gut and is being slowly twisted.
“Who am I?” I whisper, before sliding down the wall and collapsing on my butt. I bury my face in my bent knees and sob.
I feel a hand on my leg and know it’s too little to be Kip’s.
“Please go,” I whisper between my sobs. “I can’t do this.”
“We’re not going anywhere,” Ava responds.
I wail harder into my kneecaps.
A body slides down next to mine and just from the scent, I know it’s Kip. He doesn’t touch me and doesn’t talk for a long time. His breathing becomes rhythmic and I study it. It calms me down, but the silent tears still roll.
“I like your hair,” his deep voice finally booms.
“Chloe, you need to talk, honey. You can’t keep this all in.” Darby holds my other leg.
When I look up, Ava and Darby are sitting in front of me and Kip is at my side. I’m a numb shell of a person who’s lost her final gleam of hope in life. Memories of Zack will always haunt me. I’ll never be able to escape him. It’s like a prison sentence no matter how far I run from him.
My head becomes heavy on my shoulders, so I lean to the side until my cheek hits the top of Kip’s shoulder.
“The last time I had my…” I pause. “my hair cut. It was bad.”
“Go ahead,” Ava nods.
I relive the nightmare again when I let it spill from my soul. I don’t have anything left to puke this time and the tears have dried up. The invisible layer of shame and guilt blanket me.
My three friends remain frozen when I’m finished talking. Not one word is spoken. There’s no it’s going to be okay or you need to file charges. I’ve left them stunned.
“I’m sorry.” I look up to Kip. “I’m sorry that happened. There was no warning, it just nailed me in the gut.”
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. It’s not your fault, Chloe.”
“But it is and that’s the thing I’m worried about never being able to get over. It’s my fault for staying. I knew better than to have my hair done.”
Kip looks over to Ava and Darby who are silently crying for me.
“It’s. Not. Your. Fault,” he bites out. “You need to go to a counselor. This is horrible shit.”
“I agree,” Darby whispers.
Ava nods in agreement. “He will not win this or own you any longer.”
“I hate my hair.”
Kip smooths a hand over my hair and Ava follows him.
“What do you want to do about it?” he asks.
“Let me shave your head.” Darby wipes the tears from her face. “It’s on my bucket list to shave a best friend’s head. Please!”
A light laughter fills the air, taking some of the heaviness from us.
“I like her hair.” Kip pulls me further into him and protecting me from the blades of a clipper.
“No clippers, Edward Scissorhands,” Ava spouts.
“You have to learn to love yourself.” Kip grabs a hip and twists me to face him. “Life has broken you. The cruel reality of a society so desperate for power and greed consumed your soul. Every single day, unfair things happen to innocent people all over the world.”
I swear I see tears form in his deep brown eyes, but they never spill over. He talks to me like Darby and Ava
Ava and Darby back up, letting Kip near me. He bends down, holding out his arms and I panic.
“No,” I scream and slam back into the wall of the garage. “No.”
“Chloe, you’ve been triggered and need to calm down. I need you to breathe and work through it.” He raises both hands and steps back. “I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, but you need to breathe in and out, okay?”
Kip’s voice is soothing and trained. So are his facial features and hand gestures. He’s a good guy trying to help and it only guts me even further. It’s the final fucking dull knife buried deep in my gut and is being slowly twisted.
“Who am I?” I whisper, before sliding down the wall and collapsing on my butt. I bury my face in my bent knees and sob.
I feel a hand on my leg and know it’s too little to be Kip’s.
“Please go,” I whisper between my sobs. “I can’t do this.”
“We’re not going anywhere,” Ava responds.
I wail harder into my kneecaps.
A body slides down next to mine and just from the scent, I know it’s Kip. He doesn’t touch me and doesn’t talk for a long time. His breathing becomes rhythmic and I study it. It calms me down, but the silent tears still roll.
“I like your hair,” his deep voice finally booms.
“Chloe, you need to talk, honey. You can’t keep this all in.” Darby holds my other leg.
When I look up, Ava and Darby are sitting in front of me and Kip is at my side. I’m a numb shell of a person who’s lost her final gleam of hope in life. Memories of Zack will always haunt me. I’ll never be able to escape him. It’s like a prison sentence no matter how far I run from him.
My head becomes heavy on my shoulders, so I lean to the side until my cheek hits the top of Kip’s shoulder.
“The last time I had my…” I pause. “my hair cut. It was bad.”
“Go ahead,” Ava nods.
I relive the nightmare again when I let it spill from my soul. I don’t have anything left to puke this time and the tears have dried up. The invisible layer of shame and guilt blanket me.
My three friends remain frozen when I’m finished talking. Not one word is spoken. There’s no it’s going to be okay or you need to file charges. I’ve left them stunned.
“I’m sorry.” I look up to Kip. “I’m sorry that happened. There was no warning, it just nailed me in the gut.”
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. It’s not your fault, Chloe.”
“But it is and that’s the thing I’m worried about never being able to get over. It’s my fault for staying. I knew better than to have my hair done.”
Kip looks over to Ava and Darby who are silently crying for me.
“It’s. Not. Your. Fault,” he bites out. “You need to go to a counselor. This is horrible shit.”
“I agree,” Darby whispers.
Ava nods in agreement. “He will not win this or own you any longer.”
“I hate my hair.”
Kip smooths a hand over my hair and Ava follows him.
“What do you want to do about it?” he asks.
“Let me shave your head.” Darby wipes the tears from her face. “It’s on my bucket list to shave a best friend’s head. Please!”
A light laughter fills the air, taking some of the heaviness from us.
“I like her hair.” Kip pulls me further into him and protecting me from the blades of a clipper.
“No clippers, Edward Scissorhands,” Ava spouts.
“You have to learn to love yourself.” Kip grabs a hip and twists me to face him. “Life has broken you. The cruel reality of a society so desperate for power and greed consumed your soul. Every single day, unfair things happen to innocent people all over the world.”
I swear I see tears form in his deep brown eyes, but they never spill over. He talks to me like Darby and Ava
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