Read Online Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls by Tellulah Darling - Free Book Online

sister you did for your mom. At least she’s got a sense of humor. Mine could make lemonade with that sour face of hers,” Rachel complains.
    She has a point.
    “No dissing Elise.” Sam is really protective of my mom. I know he’s thinking that I should feel lucky I have her. And I do. I just don’t want to know about her and Dad’s sex life. I prefer to think I was a result of In Vitro. A miracle of science.
    “Have fun with Nikki earlier?” I ask Sam.
    “She’s a fun girl,” he retorts. “Enough with the chit chat. Show me what you got.” He rips open a bag of chips, his eyes on me.
    I take a deep breath and shake out all my tension. Everyone watches. It’s almost comical.
    “Here goes.” I smile mysteriously at Sam.
    He nods in approval. “Nice. Good start.”
    I wink.
    “Mmm, not where I’d go, but alright,” he mutters through a mouthful.
    “Could work,” Ian offers.
    I keep winking, aware that I must look like I’m caught in a spastic loop but I can’t stop. There’s dirt in my eye or something and it’s driving me mad.
    I scrunch up my face and sharply shake my head, hoping that might help dislodge it. Damn contacts.
    Sam freezes in mid-reach for more chips. “Quit it, you’re freaking me out.”
    “Oh good,” Rachel adds. “It’s not just me.” She takes the bag from Sam and dumps the rest of the chips into a bowl for all to share.
    I want to tell them to shut up. That I’m not a total psycho, it’s just that I’ve got what feels like a nail grinding into my eyeball.
    “There’s. Something. In. My. Eye.” I manage to grit out.
    I jab my finger into my eye and rub it around. Sweet relief. It’s gone.
    I blink at Sam.
    “Your eye looks a bit dodgy,” Ian offers, snagging Rachel’s diet pop.
    “Because it’s the size of a golf ball and red?” Sam replies.
    “Sorta. Yeah.”
    “Focus,” I order. I concentrate, holding a picture of Falco in my mind. “You know. I think maybe the problem is that Falco needs to be a she.”
    Sam looks aghast but I revamp my vision.
    “Much better. I can be Falca no problem.”
    “No. You cannot call her Falca,” Sam insists. “You’re killing me.”
    “What the hell are they on about?” Rachel mumbles to Ian.
    “You’re right. I can’t.” I let Sam have his moment of relief before destroying it with relish.
    “Falcalita. Latinas are uber sexy.”
    And this Falcalita is going to need a bold move to wipe the memory of the eyeball away.
    Aha! I lean forward, stroking my cleavage. It’s perhaps not as smooth a motion as I’d like, but I feel it does convey the general idea. Trampy come hither.
    “I’m so hot,” I breathe.
    Sam, Rachel, and Ian trade alarmed looks.
    “Are you having an allergic reaction?” Sam asks.
    I slam my hand down on the counter. “I’m flirting!”
    “I’ll get an antihistamine,” Rachel offers, opening cupboards to look for medication.
    “New tactic,” Sam says.
    “With bullet points? Maybe graphs?” I ask hopefully. Improv is evidently not my strong suit and if I’m to have any hope of becoming hot stuff, I need specifics. Lots of them.
    “Since I’m not sure I want to know what kind of graphs Sam could possibly come up with on this subject,” Rachel begins, “Ian and I will go pick something off Netflix for us to watch.”
    “I’m fascinated,” Ian protests.
    Rachel whispers something in his ear.
    “Take your time,” he assures us and follows her with a stupid grin on his face.
    Sam watches them go. “Think I might skip the film,” he says.
    “Yeah. Me too. So?”
    “I guess I could give you a breakdown on step two,” he suggests in a doubtful tone.
    “With detailed explanations?”
    “You sure you can’t just go with the flow?”
    I look at him like he’s stupid.
    Sam caves. “Yes. With detailed explanations.”
    ~
    School the next day is great. I’m the bright, shiny new toy of interest in the hallways due to my makeover.
    Jack, head meathead of the football team, holds