Read Online Ruining You by Nicole Reed - Free Book Online

that Eli being gay bothers me; I just didn’t
see it coming. He’s so masculine, and he’s the quintessential “guy’s guy”. In
reality, he is everything that I would normally be attracted to. I guess, in a
way, it’s like having JT back. Things between Eli and I are so similar to the
way things were with JT before everything happened, minus the sexual attraction
of course. It’s a pure love, and it’s what I have missed most over these last
two years .

 

     

     
    “Okay, this evening we are
going to talk about the role your personal religion, or lack thereof, plays
into your recovery. Can any of you talk about how your religion hinders or
helps it?” Dr. Gale asks everyone as he walks in a circle around our chairs.
    Sitting beside Eli during
our group session, I look around the room. Our group has been whittled down to
seven. Everyone else was apparently miraculously “cured” by the Christmas
spirit and went home. As always, Eli gets the group started when he answers Dr.
Gale.
    “Well, most of you know that
my father is a preacher, and I am a Christian. He doesn’t agree with my
lifestyle, but as I like to remind him, if my Jesus was here on Earth now, he’d
be hanging with us ‘so-called’ sinners instead of all you saints. My faith steadies
me during my trials of depression and makes me hold fast when things get tough.
It’s sad, though, when people I’ve known my whole life question my faith
because of their own bigoted views.”
    “Thanks for sharing, Eli.
When others express intolerance and prejudice towards us, they can act as
triggers that lead us back to bad habits or bouts of depression. What about
you, Jay?”
    I’ve been opening up much
more during group sessions lately. I primarily have Eli to thank for that. He
is constantly encouraging me to speak up, but for the first time, I decide to
speak for myself.
    “I grew up going to church
every once in a while with my parents. I was baptized when I was little, and I
guess I always considered myself a Christian. As I got older, my parents traveled
a lot, and we didn’t attend anymore. I still remember everything I learned as a
child. After I had my abortion, I started having these nightmares. I assume
they stem from the guilt of knowing that I ended a life, but at that time, I
didn’t see it that way. In my dreams, Satan would come and talk to me. He would
quote bible verses that I remember hearing as a child or just make me feel
guilty for what I did. When JT died, I felt that God was punishing me for
having the abortion, taking a life for a life. I guess, in many ways, my
religion has hindered me from my own recovery.”
    “I don’t think it hindered
you, Jay. It was just one more emotional obstacle you had to overcome. Your
main problem was a sense of forgiveness, but it’s only good if you apply it to
yourself and move on.” Dr. Gale finishes with a smile and a wink. “I think
you’re getting there.”
    After group session,
everyone heads to the cafeteria for dinner. There is only a week until
Christmas, but it’s been three months since I arrived. JT’s gone, and he’s
never coming back. Taking a deep breath, I realize that knowing that still
hurts, but it doesn’t kill me to think it anymore. I can’t say that I’ve made
peace with it just yet, but I am starting to understand that there is only so
much I can blame on myself.
    “Hey, can I talk to you for
a minute?” Eli asks as he pulls my arm, and we fall back from the rest of the
group.
    “Sure.” We allow everyone
else to disappear around the hallway.
    “It’s time, Jay.”
    I know what he is saying. I
was just thinking the same thing. “I know.” Breathing deep, I look at him and
nod my head. “There is so much I haven’t told you about what is waiting for me
at home. There’s the trial, and JT’s mom wants to talk to me. I’ve heard it’s
nothing bad, but the thought just scares me to death. Then there is Kane.”
    “Wait...which one is he?”
    “I