met Kane the first day of
my senior year. He’s the bartender that I started to fall for. He was the one
that made me really start thinking that I could have a future. Actually, I
really don’t think I need to worry because I am pretty sure he’s moved on.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I haven’t spoken to him in
three months, and the letters he sent tend to lend to that idea.” Cringing, I
think about those letters.
“Do you want him to move on
or not?”
Sighing, I reply, “Eli, how
can I even think of being with someone else? I didn’t want him waiting for me
anyway. He needs to move on. Damn, I even chose JT.” I am walking in circles. I
stop and look up at him, “Ugh, you’re right though. I still think about him. A
lot.”
“What did his letters say?”
“Do you want to read them?”
“Only if you want me to,
Jay.”
Nodding my head, I turn, and
he follows me to my room. I grab the letters as soon as we walk in, and I thumb
through them to find Kane’s.
“Okay, I’ll let you read the
ones that I’ve read over and over.” I hand them to Eli, and he sits on the bed
and begins to read. I pace the room, anxiously waiting for his response. When
he’s finished, he looks over at me.
“I’m kind of scared to read
the next letter.”
I know what he’s talking
about. I could only make myself read it once. I hand Eli the third letter he
wrote. He unfolds it, and I join him on the bed.
Jay,
I have to get this out. I
have to know. How the hell could you do it? Just like Matt. How could you both
take your life? I don’t understand it. I don’t eat, sleep, or work thinking
about it. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Here I am laying this shit on
you again, but who else do I talk to? I don’t even know if you got my other
letters. Who knows? Maybe you’re not even opening them.
I don’t even know why I keep
writing, but HELL YES I do. You. You’re fucking burned on my brain. I can’t get
you out. When I shut my eyes you’re there. I hear your laugh and GOD…I still
hear your cries. I even think that I smell you, and it drives me insane. How
did you crawl inside me so fast?
I can’t do this........
Sitting down beside Eli, he
looks at me.
“Jay, the guy seems to
really care about you. There is no doubt about that, but I have to be honest, I
think you’ve royally messed with his head.”
Lowering my head into my
hands, I groan. “He needed to move on, Eli. I was tearing him apart. There was
just too much between us.”
“I think he’ll be waiting
when you get home.”
“I don’t know. Even if he is,
it would be like starting over, and I’m not sure I am ready for that. I need
time to get me right.” Standing up, I head back out of the room and motion for
him to follow. He stands, but his feet remain planted.
“Just remember this. I
believe that you and I may mourn our first loves for the rest of time, but I’ve
come to learn that our lives didn’t end that day. We are still here living it,
even at times when we wished we weren’t. The only thing that bothers me about
hearing about this Kane guy is your own words. You admitted that he was the
reason you decided to live again. You didn’t say that about JT. You said you
owed him the chance to be together. Just a thought, Jay. Don’t lose out on
something that could be forever because you think the timing isn’t right. Don’t
let fate decide.”
I turn and head for the
hallway again, not stopping to see if he follows. Maybe I should have written
Kane back for his peace of mind. I may have ruined everything because of that.
It’s too late to write, but maybe it’s not too late to talk to him. Making my
decision then and there, I turn back and see Eli walking towards me.
“I’m going home tomorrow.
It’s time,” I say before I have a chance to change my mind.
“Yes it is, for both of us.
You know I only live forty-five minutes from you. I’m always here if you need
me,
my senior year. He’s the bartender that I started to fall for. He was the one
that made me really start thinking that I could have a future. Actually, I
really don’t think I need to worry because I am pretty sure he’s moved on.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I haven’t spoken to him in
three months, and the letters he sent tend to lend to that idea.” Cringing, I
think about those letters.
“Do you want him to move on
or not?”
Sighing, I reply, “Eli, how
can I even think of being with someone else? I didn’t want him waiting for me
anyway. He needs to move on. Damn, I even chose JT.” I am walking in circles. I
stop and look up at him, “Ugh, you’re right though. I still think about him. A
lot.”
“What did his letters say?”
“Do you want to read them?”
“Only if you want me to,
Jay.”
Nodding my head, I turn, and
he follows me to my room. I grab the letters as soon as we walk in, and I thumb
through them to find Kane’s.
“Okay, I’ll let you read the
ones that I’ve read over and over.” I hand them to Eli, and he sits on the bed
and begins to read. I pace the room, anxiously waiting for his response. When
he’s finished, he looks over at me.
“I’m kind of scared to read
the next letter.”
I know what he’s talking
about. I could only make myself read it once. I hand Eli the third letter he
wrote. He unfolds it, and I join him on the bed.
Jay,
I have to get this out. I
have to know. How the hell could you do it? Just like Matt. How could you both
take your life? I don’t understand it. I don’t eat, sleep, or work thinking
about it. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Here I am laying this shit on
you again, but who else do I talk to? I don’t even know if you got my other
letters. Who knows? Maybe you’re not even opening them.
I don’t even know why I keep
writing, but HELL YES I do. You. You’re fucking burned on my brain. I can’t get
you out. When I shut my eyes you’re there. I hear your laugh and GOD…I still
hear your cries. I even think that I smell you, and it drives me insane. How
did you crawl inside me so fast?
I can’t do this........
Sitting down beside Eli, he
looks at me.
“Jay, the guy seems to
really care about you. There is no doubt about that, but I have to be honest, I
think you’ve royally messed with his head.”
Lowering my head into my
hands, I groan. “He needed to move on, Eli. I was tearing him apart. There was
just too much between us.”
“I think he’ll be waiting
when you get home.”
“I don’t know. Even if he is,
it would be like starting over, and I’m not sure I am ready for that. I need
time to get me right.” Standing up, I head back out of the room and motion for
him to follow. He stands, but his feet remain planted.
“Just remember this. I
believe that you and I may mourn our first loves for the rest of time, but I’ve
come to learn that our lives didn’t end that day. We are still here living it,
even at times when we wished we weren’t. The only thing that bothers me about
hearing about this Kane guy is your own words. You admitted that he was the
reason you decided to live again. You didn’t say that about JT. You said you
owed him the chance to be together. Just a thought, Jay. Don’t lose out on
something that could be forever because you think the timing isn’t right. Don’t
let fate decide.”
I turn and head for the
hallway again, not stopping to see if he follows. Maybe I should have written
Kane back for his peace of mind. I may have ruined everything because of that.
It’s too late to write, but maybe it’s not too late to talk to him. Making my
decision then and there, I turn back and see Eli walking towards me.
“I’m going home tomorrow.
It’s time,” I say before I have a chance to change my mind.
“Yes it is, for both of us.
You know I only live forty-five minutes from you. I’m always here if you need
me,
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