Read Online Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines - Free Book Online
Authors: Ayala Malach Pines
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been together) described themselves as jealous, and both young and old couples described themselves as nonjealous. The length that the relationship was expected to last, which is a measure of security and commitment, did correlate with jealousy-the more commitment, the less jealousy.
Commitment to a relationship doesn't develop in a vacuum. It's a reflection of the way a couple feels about each other and about the relationship. The more satisfied people are with their mate and the relationship, the data show, the less jealous they tend to be.
Does the jealousy cause the dissatisfaction, or does the dissatisfaction cause the jealousy? It can be argued that jealousy, with its ensuing drama, conflict, and unhappiness, is the cause of the insecurity and the dissatisfaction. On the other hand, it can also he argued that unstable, insecure, and unsatisfactory relationships make people more sensitive to threats and consequently more likely to experience jealousy. One interpretation focuses on the jealous person, the other on the jealous relationship. Which is correct? In the next two chapters both perspectives are elaborated, with the assumption that both are correct.
As noted before, people don't just fall into a certain kind of a relationship. They play an active role in shaping their relationships as well as problems. Some create relationships in which jealousy is not likely to be triggered. Others choose mates and help build relationships in which jealousy is likely to be triggered often. One a jealous relationship is established, both mates have to collude to keep the jealousy problem alive.
Do you believe in monogamy? Most people, it turns out, believe that monogamy is the best type of relationship. This is true even for those who don't practice it (Pittman, 1989). While people who insist on sexual exclusivity in their intimate relationships tend to be more jealous than people for whom exclusivity is not that important, monogamous people tend to seek like-minded mates and consequently have relationships in which their jealousy is not likely to be triggered.'
If the connection between belief in monogamy and jealousy doesn't seem obvious, let me point to a more obvious connection, between what we do to others and what we fear they might do to us. I lave you ever been unfaithful to your mate sexually (Never? Once? Very few times? Many times? All the tine?)? The more unfaithful people themselves have been, the more jealous they are likely to be. The more lies one has told, the more attuned one's ear becomes to lies, at times hearing them even when they have not been spoken. The more schemes one has pulled off to get together with one's lover, the more suspicious one become of situations that might be such schemes.
"Projected jealousy" derives either from one's own actual unfaithfulness or from repressed impulses toward it (Freud, 1922/1955). I lave you ever fantasized about sexual involvement with someone other than your mate? Most people have at times had such sexual fantasies. What is revealing is that those who fantasize Most often about being with someone else are also those who describe themselves as most jealous.(' Since they themselves are attracted to other people and possibly have thoughts about wild love affairs, they naturally assume that their mate has such thoughts too. Just as they think at times about eloping with a passionate lover, they are sure that their mate has such thoughts loo. Projecting their own impulses onto their mate makes them jealous.
Jealousy can be projected onto other people besides one's mate. Indeed, individuals who describe themselves as jealous tend to think that more people in the general population are jealous than (10 people who describe themselves as not jealous.
Furthermore, people who describe themselves as jealous prefer their mates to be jealous and in general tend to see jealousy as a more positive personality characteristic. They are likely, for example, to see jealousy as a
Commitment to a relationship doesn't develop in a vacuum. It's a reflection of the way a couple feels about each other and about the relationship. The more satisfied people are with their mate and the relationship, the data show, the less jealous they tend to be.
Does the jealousy cause the dissatisfaction, or does the dissatisfaction cause the jealousy? It can be argued that jealousy, with its ensuing drama, conflict, and unhappiness, is the cause of the insecurity and the dissatisfaction. On the other hand, it can also he argued that unstable, insecure, and unsatisfactory relationships make people more sensitive to threats and consequently more likely to experience jealousy. One interpretation focuses on the jealous person, the other on the jealous relationship. Which is correct? In the next two chapters both perspectives are elaborated, with the assumption that both are correct.
As noted before, people don't just fall into a certain kind of a relationship. They play an active role in shaping their relationships as well as problems. Some create relationships in which jealousy is not likely to be triggered. Others choose mates and help build relationships in which jealousy is likely to be triggered often. One a jealous relationship is established, both mates have to collude to keep the jealousy problem alive.
Do you believe in monogamy? Most people, it turns out, believe that monogamy is the best type of relationship. This is true even for those who don't practice it (Pittman, 1989). While people who insist on sexual exclusivity in their intimate relationships tend to be more jealous than people for whom exclusivity is not that important, monogamous people tend to seek like-minded mates and consequently have relationships in which their jealousy is not likely to be triggered.'
If the connection between belief in monogamy and jealousy doesn't seem obvious, let me point to a more obvious connection, between what we do to others and what we fear they might do to us. I lave you ever been unfaithful to your mate sexually (Never? Once? Very few times? Many times? All the tine?)? The more unfaithful people themselves have been, the more jealous they are likely to be. The more lies one has told, the more attuned one's ear becomes to lies, at times hearing them even when they have not been spoken. The more schemes one has pulled off to get together with one's lover, the more suspicious one become of situations that might be such schemes.
"Projected jealousy" derives either from one's own actual unfaithfulness or from repressed impulses toward it (Freud, 1922/1955). I lave you ever fantasized about sexual involvement with someone other than your mate? Most people have at times had such sexual fantasies. What is revealing is that those who fantasize Most often about being with someone else are also those who describe themselves as most jealous.(' Since they themselves are attracted to other people and possibly have thoughts about wild love affairs, they naturally assume that their mate has such thoughts too. Just as they think at times about eloping with a passionate lover, they are sure that their mate has such thoughts loo. Projecting their own impulses onto their mate makes them jealous.
Jealousy can be projected onto other people besides one's mate. Indeed, individuals who describe themselves as jealous tend to think that more people in the general population are jealous than (10 people who describe themselves as not jealous.
Furthermore, people who describe themselves as jealous prefer their mates to be jealous and in general tend to see jealousy as a more positive personality characteristic. They are likely, for example, to see jealousy as a
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