favorite fifty stones, half of which have memories of Jace imbued into them.
I’m wide awake and warm again. Jace’s eyes shut and his mouth hangs partly open. His chest rises and falls evenly, and I feel it against my own. I’m glad he’s asleep so he doesn’t notice my heart hammering against my ribs, my inability to breathe, or my shivering when his leg shifts between mine and pins me down.
My mind wanders to the magazines under his bed. I sigh, and sleepiness settles heavy and warm over me.
I’m hiding in a cave in the bush. I need to think. I hear Jace singing by the creek. Low and soft, his voice vibrates through the ground to my feet and into my body. I’ve never heard him sing before, but it’s beautiful. I don’t want him to stop. I sit on a tree stump and absorb the sad, sweet, familiar-sounding song that I’ve never heard before.
chalk
A week later, Annie and I go to Mum’s after school. I wonder how long it’ll be before I clutch the triangular chalk in my pocket like it’s a lifeline.
“You’re unusually quiet today,” Annie remarks, opening the gate for us. “You all good?”
We shuffle up the path. “I’m fine.”
“Sure about that?”
I nod. “No.”
She loops an arm through mine and whispers, “Are you going to tell Mum?”
I resist grabbing my stone this soon. “Maybe.”
“Want me to be with you?”
I shrug. “Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“I can wait in the study—just signal me if you want me to come out.”
Annie’s keys jingle as she unlocks the front door. “Hey Mum, we’re home!”
Mum yells back. “In the kitchen!”
I kick off my shoes and beeline toward the scent of freshly-baked cookies.
The flour-covered kitchen is a mess of bowls, wooden spoons, and trays. Mum smiles and wipes her hands on her apple-print apron, which reminds me of Granny Smiths and that girl Jace likes. Susan .
I’m not hungry for cookies anymore.
Is it pointless to come out as gay when I don’t even have a boyfriend? Maybe I should do this when I actually have someone to bring home.
This is your pathetic attempt at talking yourself out of telling her, chickenshit.
Annie steals a cookie off the cooling tray and juggles it until it’s cool enough to bite. “These are good,” she says with a mouthful.
“They should be,” Mum says, ducking out of her apron and herding us to the dining table. She plants the cooling tray between us. “They’re a bribe of sorts.”
Annie and I exchange glances. What’s going on here?
Mum paces, wringing her hands. Her eyes light up and she bites her bottom lip. Why is she so excited? Did she get promoted to a new job? Does she want to move?
My stomach lurches at the thought. I don’t want to start over again. Besides, what would be the point of moving? It’s Annie’s last year before university and . . . Ernie and Bert and . . . Dad and . . . She wouldn’t make us move now, would she? I swallow.
I grip Annie’s hand under the table. She looks at me, startled. I guess she’s not thinking what I am.
“What is it, Mum?” Annie asks, taking another cookie.
She nods and pulls out a chair. When she settles into it, she looks at each of us in turn. “I’ve met someone. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now.”
“Say what now?”
I couldn’t have heard her right. Mum’s here every afternoon when we come home from school. When—
We leave to Dad’s for a week.
Oh.
Annie’s cookie crumbles.
“His name is Paul. He’s a librarian. I met him at Memorial Library in Lower Hutt, and well, we hit it off.”
“A few months?” Annie repeats. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Mum takes a cookie but doesn’t bite. “I didn’t want to make more waves for you. I wanted to make sure it was serious before I told you about him.”
“So it’s serious then?” I’m trying to work through my initial shock. It’s a weird thought that Mum has been dating some
I’m wide awake and warm again. Jace’s eyes shut and his mouth hangs partly open. His chest rises and falls evenly, and I feel it against my own. I’m glad he’s asleep so he doesn’t notice my heart hammering against my ribs, my inability to breathe, or my shivering when his leg shifts between mine and pins me down.
My mind wanders to the magazines under his bed. I sigh, and sleepiness settles heavy and warm over me.
I’m hiding in a cave in the bush. I need to think. I hear Jace singing by the creek. Low and soft, his voice vibrates through the ground to my feet and into my body. I’ve never heard him sing before, but it’s beautiful. I don’t want him to stop. I sit on a tree stump and absorb the sad, sweet, familiar-sounding song that I’ve never heard before.
chalk
A week later, Annie and I go to Mum’s after school. I wonder how long it’ll be before I clutch the triangular chalk in my pocket like it’s a lifeline.
“You’re unusually quiet today,” Annie remarks, opening the gate for us. “You all good?”
We shuffle up the path. “I’m fine.”
“Sure about that?”
I nod. “No.”
She loops an arm through mine and whispers, “Are you going to tell Mum?”
I resist grabbing my stone this soon. “Maybe.”
“Want me to be with you?”
I shrug. “Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“I can wait in the study—just signal me if you want me to come out.”
Annie’s keys jingle as she unlocks the front door. “Hey Mum, we’re home!”
Mum yells back. “In the kitchen!”
I kick off my shoes and beeline toward the scent of freshly-baked cookies.
The flour-covered kitchen is a mess of bowls, wooden spoons, and trays. Mum smiles and wipes her hands on her apple-print apron, which reminds me of Granny Smiths and that girl Jace likes. Susan .
I’m not hungry for cookies anymore.
Is it pointless to come out as gay when I don’t even have a boyfriend? Maybe I should do this when I actually have someone to bring home.
This is your pathetic attempt at talking yourself out of telling her, chickenshit.
Annie steals a cookie off the cooling tray and juggles it until it’s cool enough to bite. “These are good,” she says with a mouthful.
“They should be,” Mum says, ducking out of her apron and herding us to the dining table. She plants the cooling tray between us. “They’re a bribe of sorts.”
Annie and I exchange glances. What’s going on here?
Mum paces, wringing her hands. Her eyes light up and she bites her bottom lip. Why is she so excited? Did she get promoted to a new job? Does she want to move?
My stomach lurches at the thought. I don’t want to start over again. Besides, what would be the point of moving? It’s Annie’s last year before university and . . . Ernie and Bert and . . . Dad and . . . She wouldn’t make us move now, would she? I swallow.
I grip Annie’s hand under the table. She looks at me, startled. I guess she’s not thinking what I am.
“What is it, Mum?” Annie asks, taking another cookie.
She nods and pulls out a chair. When she settles into it, she looks at each of us in turn. “I’ve met someone. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now.”
“Say what now?”
I couldn’t have heard her right. Mum’s here every afternoon when we come home from school. When—
We leave to Dad’s for a week.
Oh.
Annie’s cookie crumbles.
“His name is Paul. He’s a librarian. I met him at Memorial Library in Lower Hutt, and well, we hit it off.”
“A few months?” Annie repeats. “Why didn’t you tell us?”
Mum takes a cookie but doesn’t bite. “I didn’t want to make more waves for you. I wanted to make sure it was serious before I told you about him.”
“So it’s serious then?” I’m trying to work through my initial shock. It’s a weird thought that Mum has been dating some
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