like the smell. “We had a fight.”
“About your report card again?”
“I got benched from the track team.”
“Shit, Ry.” His shoulders sagged. “What a clusterfuck this is turning out to be.”
It was the truth. The entire situation was one massive clusterfuck. But something about hearing him say it out loud like that made me want to laugh. Not an amused laugh. More of an ‘I’m losing my ever loving mind’ sort of laugh. The kind that led to full-blown hysterics. Maybe I really was losing it.
“You want to know what’s really funny?”
“I’m not seeing how any of this is funny.” Elijah was good and pissed. For me . And somehow that made things better.
“I never even liked running in the first place. I mean, I liked it when I was doing it—just running—but all of the practices, and work-outs, and competition, and the pressure . . . I only did it because I was good at it.”
Elijah shook his head. He didn’t look angry so much anymore as . . . sad. “You’ve got some serious shit to work out, Ry.”
“Ya think?” The tightness in my chest returned as I heard my father’s scathing words again. “They . . . they think I’m a failure.”
Elijah set the joint aside and rolled over to face me. “They said that to you?”
“He said I’m a waste. I’ve done everything. Everything they’ve ever asked me to. Everything they’ve ever expected me to. And this one thing . . . It wasn’t even my fault.” The tears rushed up on me before I could stop them. “I try . . . so hard . . . to . . . to live up to their expectations. And it’s ruined. It’s all ruined.”
“Hey, hey, hey.” He shifted closer, slipping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into him. I burrowed into his solid chest as he ran a hand over my hair. “It’s okay. This isn’t your fault. You work harder at everything you do than anyone I’ve ever met. If they can’t see that then they must be blind. You’re amazing, Rylie. I know that. You should know that. And anyone who doesn’t know that can kiss your ass because it’s the truth.”
“But I let them down, Elijah. I let myself down. We were all counting on me and I . . . failed.”
“Princess . . .” He tipped my tear stained face up to his. “You have got to stop basing your self-worth on what other people see in you. You’re never going to be able to please everyone. You’re slowly killing yourself trying to. If you keep this up, the disappointment will destroy you.”
“I don’t know how to s-stop.”
“Start by trying to please just one person. Yourself . What do you want in life?”
“To study pre-med at Harvard.” It was my automatic answer. “I’ve always wanted to go there. I have pictures of me wearing a Harvard onesie when I was three months old.”
Elijah tipped his head. “Somehow I doubt you picked it out yourself. That sounds like what your parents want. I’m asking what you want.”
I leaned back against the headboard and examined the vibrantly decorated wall at the foot of the bed. Strangely enough, I’d never actually considered that question. No one had ever asked me what I wanted before. They just told me.
Elijah seemed to recognize my need to think and leaned back beside me, reclaiming his joint.
“I’m not sure it really matters what I want. At this point it’ll take a miracle for an Ivy League to accept me.”
“Of course it matters. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. What you want should matter more than anything. And if Ivy League is what you want, then it’s not out of reach. You’ll just have to work for it . . . Hard .”
I couldn’t help laughing. Elijah had a way of making me feel free of all the things in my life that weighed me down.
“Yeah. Really hard. An eidetic memory must be nice.”
“Not always. There are some things you don’t want to remember.” His foster dad’s bitter words from earlier came rushing back to me. “But I can’t forget them.”
A sudden thought
“About your report card again?”
“I got benched from the track team.”
“Shit, Ry.” His shoulders sagged. “What a clusterfuck this is turning out to be.”
It was the truth. The entire situation was one massive clusterfuck. But something about hearing him say it out loud like that made me want to laugh. Not an amused laugh. More of an ‘I’m losing my ever loving mind’ sort of laugh. The kind that led to full-blown hysterics. Maybe I really was losing it.
“You want to know what’s really funny?”
“I’m not seeing how any of this is funny.” Elijah was good and pissed. For me . And somehow that made things better.
“I never even liked running in the first place. I mean, I liked it when I was doing it—just running—but all of the practices, and work-outs, and competition, and the pressure . . . I only did it because I was good at it.”
Elijah shook his head. He didn’t look angry so much anymore as . . . sad. “You’ve got some serious shit to work out, Ry.”
“Ya think?” The tightness in my chest returned as I heard my father’s scathing words again. “They . . . they think I’m a failure.”
Elijah set the joint aside and rolled over to face me. “They said that to you?”
“He said I’m a waste. I’ve done everything. Everything they’ve ever asked me to. Everything they’ve ever expected me to. And this one thing . . . It wasn’t even my fault.” The tears rushed up on me before I could stop them. “I try . . . so hard . . . to . . . to live up to their expectations. And it’s ruined. It’s all ruined.”
“Hey, hey, hey.” He shifted closer, slipping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into him. I burrowed into his solid chest as he ran a hand over my hair. “It’s okay. This isn’t your fault. You work harder at everything you do than anyone I’ve ever met. If they can’t see that then they must be blind. You’re amazing, Rylie. I know that. You should know that. And anyone who doesn’t know that can kiss your ass because it’s the truth.”
“But I let them down, Elijah. I let myself down. We were all counting on me and I . . . failed.”
“Princess . . .” He tipped my tear stained face up to his. “You have got to stop basing your self-worth on what other people see in you. You’re never going to be able to please everyone. You’re slowly killing yourself trying to. If you keep this up, the disappointment will destroy you.”
“I don’t know how to s-stop.”
“Start by trying to please just one person. Yourself . What do you want in life?”
“To study pre-med at Harvard.” It was my automatic answer. “I’ve always wanted to go there. I have pictures of me wearing a Harvard onesie when I was three months old.”
Elijah tipped his head. “Somehow I doubt you picked it out yourself. That sounds like what your parents want. I’m asking what you want.”
I leaned back against the headboard and examined the vibrantly decorated wall at the foot of the bed. Strangely enough, I’d never actually considered that question. No one had ever asked me what I wanted before. They just told me.
Elijah seemed to recognize my need to think and leaned back beside me, reclaiming his joint.
“I’m not sure it really matters what I want. At this point it’ll take a miracle for an Ivy League to accept me.”
“Of course it matters. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. What you want should matter more than anything. And if Ivy League is what you want, then it’s not out of reach. You’ll just have to work for it . . . Hard .”
I couldn’t help laughing. Elijah had a way of making me feel free of all the things in my life that weighed me down.
“Yeah. Really hard. An eidetic memory must be nice.”
“Not always. There are some things you don’t want to remember.” His foster dad’s bitter words from earlier came rushing back to me. “But I can’t forget them.”
A sudden thought
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