Read Online Return to Poughkeepsie by Debra Anastasia - Free Book Online
Authors: Debra Anastasia
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there, trapped like balloons?
“I want a baby so bad, Father. I feel like that’s all there is. It’s eating me. I can’t…” She started tapping her feet, unfulfilled, unsatisfied.
“Sweet girl, I don’t have answers, but I do sympathize. Here’s what I’ve learned, and only time can teach this lesson: sometimes the hard times are preparing you to handle the next important thing. Pray, my child. Hold on to the love you do have.” Father Callahan patted her hand. “Look for a sign. He will tell you what might be on the horizon. Keep your heart open.”
The priest stood. Kyle followed suit. She didn’t feel better. She knew nothing but a positive pregnancy test would silence her need. But a sign was something maybe she could hold on to. Father Callahan opened his arms for another hug, and this time Kyle was surprised at how slight he felt.
“Another thing, young lady, don’t push Cole away. It’s these times when you have to respect your vows the most.”
Kyle thanked him and turned to leave. She passed the spot where Cole had knelt before her so long ago. He would take anything she doled out to him, whips or feathers. Suddenly she wanted to be in his arms, listening to his heartbeat. She opened the door knowing she had to let him hold this burden with her. Together.
The drive back home seemed endless, but when she finally arrived the house was still waiting, perfect and exactly as she’d left it. She kicked off her shoes and headed up to the bedroom, where she found a letter propped on her pillow. Only one mailman had access to this room. She left her jacket on as she tore the envelope away, ripping and pulling until the letter was revealed.
It took a while to get through it because her eyes kept blurring. She sobbed out loud a few times, crumpling the edge of her jacket in a tight fist.
Dear Kyle,
I see you crying when you don’t think I notice. I do. I see your eyes—red and glassy with the tears you swallowed because I came in the room.
I can’t give you the baby we want. Our love should be enough, but I feel it too. There’s a hole in between us when we hold hands. We’re feeling the loss of someone who has yet to even exist. Your smiles are getting smaller. When you look at me, I want to give you more, I just don’t know how.
I remember when I first found your eyes, when I first realized you existed. I could hardly make my tongue work. My words were fuzzy, wrapped in cotton. When you were taken from me, I had so much rage. I would have killed a million men to get to you, just to rest my hands on your face. Kissing your lips, remembering you safe in that hospital bed is a waterfall of relief for me still. And our wedding? Everything blue makes me want to touch you, taste your lips, see your skin wet in the shower.
How can something that isn’t happening come between us? When you’re reluctant to walk past a stroller, when you change the channel to save your heart the sight of a chubby baby, I know you’re aching. You’re building a wall, and only you fit behind it. How can I show you I love you so much anyway? Will you ever understand that you’re just as important as a woman who can have a child? I’ll make love to you whenever you demand it. I’ll hold you tightly when you cry.
If it’s just us, Kyle, if that’s all there is, it’s enough for me. And if that thought makes you sad, I’ll move heaven and hell until you see a future you want to be in, smiling, with me. Whatever you need, just step into my arms, let me be there with you.
You’re not protecting me from your pain. I feel all of it, except I feel it alone when you won’t let me help. Come to me. Let me kiss your hair. Let me make love to you for no reason at all.
I’m yours forever,
Cole
He got it. There was no need to describe it to him. He knew when she cried. He knew what she wanted. He loved her always.
Kyle dug her cell phone out of her pocket, hitting the send button twice, the shortcut for the last
“I want a baby so bad, Father. I feel like that’s all there is. It’s eating me. I can’t…” She started tapping her feet, unfulfilled, unsatisfied.
“Sweet girl, I don’t have answers, but I do sympathize. Here’s what I’ve learned, and only time can teach this lesson: sometimes the hard times are preparing you to handle the next important thing. Pray, my child. Hold on to the love you do have.” Father Callahan patted her hand. “Look for a sign. He will tell you what might be on the horizon. Keep your heart open.”
The priest stood. Kyle followed suit. She didn’t feel better. She knew nothing but a positive pregnancy test would silence her need. But a sign was something maybe she could hold on to. Father Callahan opened his arms for another hug, and this time Kyle was surprised at how slight he felt.
“Another thing, young lady, don’t push Cole away. It’s these times when you have to respect your vows the most.”
Kyle thanked him and turned to leave. She passed the spot where Cole had knelt before her so long ago. He would take anything she doled out to him, whips or feathers. Suddenly she wanted to be in his arms, listening to his heartbeat. She opened the door knowing she had to let him hold this burden with her. Together.
The drive back home seemed endless, but when she finally arrived the house was still waiting, perfect and exactly as she’d left it. She kicked off her shoes and headed up to the bedroom, where she found a letter propped on her pillow. Only one mailman had access to this room. She left her jacket on as she tore the envelope away, ripping and pulling until the letter was revealed.
It took a while to get through it because her eyes kept blurring. She sobbed out loud a few times, crumpling the edge of her jacket in a tight fist.
Dear Kyle,
I see you crying when you don’t think I notice. I do. I see your eyes—red and glassy with the tears you swallowed because I came in the room.
I can’t give you the baby we want. Our love should be enough, but I feel it too. There’s a hole in between us when we hold hands. We’re feeling the loss of someone who has yet to even exist. Your smiles are getting smaller. When you look at me, I want to give you more, I just don’t know how.
I remember when I first found your eyes, when I first realized you existed. I could hardly make my tongue work. My words were fuzzy, wrapped in cotton. When you were taken from me, I had so much rage. I would have killed a million men to get to you, just to rest my hands on your face. Kissing your lips, remembering you safe in that hospital bed is a waterfall of relief for me still. And our wedding? Everything blue makes me want to touch you, taste your lips, see your skin wet in the shower.
How can something that isn’t happening come between us? When you’re reluctant to walk past a stroller, when you change the channel to save your heart the sight of a chubby baby, I know you’re aching. You’re building a wall, and only you fit behind it. How can I show you I love you so much anyway? Will you ever understand that you’re just as important as a woman who can have a child? I’ll make love to you whenever you demand it. I’ll hold you tightly when you cry.
If it’s just us, Kyle, if that’s all there is, it’s enough for me. And if that thought makes you sad, I’ll move heaven and hell until you see a future you want to be in, smiling, with me. Whatever you need, just step into my arms, let me be there with you.
You’re not protecting me from your pain. I feel all of it, except I feel it alone when you won’t let me help. Come to me. Let me kiss your hair. Let me make love to you for no reason at all.
I’m yours forever,
Cole
He got it. There was no need to describe it to him. He knew when she cried. He knew what she wanted. He loved her always.
Kyle dug her cell phone out of her pocket, hitting the send button twice, the shortcut for the last
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