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wanted to get some footage just to use although the show would take place in L.A.
    All the wives’ husbands had mansions in L.A. and although their husbands would be featured occasionally, they were the main draw to the show. If people could see how certain women of leisure and means lived then they would be the most hated and beloved reality celebrities on earth. Having a degree in abnormal psychology meant I should be able to draw out both the yin and the yang.
    Yes, the network wanted drama but real life drama from the rich and famous—not the contrived crap often witnessed on similar shows. Ours would be different because the audience would learn to view these women as human beings— people just like us! —only there was a miraculous and vast difference that separated them from the general public.
    They didn’t reside in generic McMansions built for the middle-class; instead they lived in posh, one-of-a-kind, multi-million dollar homes located all around the world. They didn’t shop at Target or Wal-Mart; they jet-setted to Paris, New York and London for fashion week while their maids and nannies did the grocery shopping. They didn’t worry about pinching pennies or cutting coupons; their husbands gave them more than their hearts could desire and then some.
    No matter how we portrayed these spoiled, rich bitches, I could never make them seem just like the average person though I could make them more sympathetic and that was the point.
    Blaine walked into the kitchen as I wrote a journal entry on my MacBook Pro. He knew not to disturb me until I was finished.

August 21, 2014
     

     
I wish I knew what I was doing but the fact is I don’t. I thought this is what I wanted but now, I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I could ever be comfortable with watching Zed have sex with Brigitte. I know she doesn’t mean anything to him and he’s devoted to me but that’s not the point.
     

     
My God, have I become greedy? I am living with Blaine. Shouldn’t I be focused on what we have together? It’s so pure, wonderful and true. Well, in my mind anyway. I don’t think he feels the same way. Guys who really want to woo a woman don’t sleep with other women until said woman they truly desire is ready. I feel like my life has changed so much and yet, I’m still the same person.
     

     
The person I was before would never put up with my present situation but the problem with that scenario is I’m not the person I used to be. Everything about me has changed and been transformed. I still wish I was that same shy woman who was scared of her own shadow but then I wouldn’t be here and my life wouldn’t have changed so completely.
     

     
Life is too short for regrets. I am sick of hoping, wishing, praying. If I want something to happen, I am going to have to make it so. However asking that of myself is the most frightening thing I have ever done. Just because I can flirt with Blaine or Zed doesn’t mean I’m still not terrified of physical contact.
     

     
My body isn’t ready. I am starting to have dreams about being penetrated and it hurts. The tearing of flesh, the breaking of a hymen like an overripe cherry . . . blood and other human liquids mixed together. Semen draining out of me in the aftermath and a satisfied lover yet I am left there feeling empty, broken and no longer myself . . . is this possible?
     

     
    “Maudlin, much?”
    I jumped at the sound of Blaine’s voice as I turned toward him to find him leaning over my shoulder.
    I slammed my MacBook Pro a little harder than I meant to. “Didn’t your mother tell you it’s rude to eavesdrop? I wouldn’t do it to you.”
    “Actually, you have. The same day you arrived here in L.A.—”
    “That doesn’t count,” I interrupted coldly. “You were talking about me like I was a fucking piece of filet mignon. That’s the difference .”
    He shook his head before he rested his chin on my right shoulder. “Babe, I love when you use the ‘F’