I was dumped at the doors of a police station when I was a newborn and bounced from foster homes to group homes until I aged out of the system and ended up homeless.”
Damn, that felt good. I’d never been that honest with anyone before. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “A few years ago, I got up the nerve to read the original police report and found out I was only a few hours old when I was abandoned. Still had my freshly severed umbilical cord attached and tied in a knot.”
As freeing as that felt, I didn’t have the nerve to look back. I’d just laid some heavy shit out there for him to absorb. When all I got back was his silence and felt his heart pounding against my back, my chest tightened. I was ashamed. I shouldn’t have assumed he was ready to hear what I had to say. Why couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut and enjoy this?
Clearing his throat, he finally spoke, “I don’t know what to say.”
That told me everything I needed to know. I’d just fucked up, and it was time for me to leave.
I began to get up when he wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing me close. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound the way it obviously did. Jules, it’s not your fault. None of us chooses the family we get or don’t get. I only reacted that way because my heart hurts thinking about you growing up in different houses with random people.”
Dammit. I hate when people feel sorry for me. “I don’t want your pity, Holden. Everything I’ve gone through has made me a stronger person, and I can take care of myself.” And it’s made me harder, too , I admitted internally.
He dropped the blanket and turned me around until my ass was planted on the chair between his open legs and my thighs were draped over his. Using his fingertips to caress my cheeks, he spoke softly. “I know how strong you are. It’s taken months for me to get this close to you.”
His eyes darted back and forth, making sure that I was still focused and listening to every word he was saying. “I’m here for you, but I won’t push. As much as I want to ask a hundred questions, not knowing the answers right now doesn’t change how I feel about you, and that feeling is not pity. Believe me.”
I felt my walls come down again as I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that he was offering his compassion and not his sympathy.
“C’mere.” He pulled me to him until my ear was resting on his chest, listening to his erratic heartbeat.
I wanted to accept his compassion. I really did, but I’d never accepted comfort from anyone before, so it was difficult. I tried to put myself in his shoes. Although he’d obviously had a rougher childhood than I’d realized, he now lived what seemed like a drama free life, so why would he want me around?
I took a deep breath and swallowed down the emotions rising in me. It wasn’t the right time to let all that shit out. “I don’t want to clutter your world with my sob story.”
He sighed meaningfully. “We all have things we’d like to forget, Jules . Tell me a good memory. What made little Jules light up a room?” As we cuddled, he played with my hair the way I imagined a loving parent or a lover would do. This whole touch thing was new to me, and a big part of me wanted to pull away, yet I couldn’t get enough of Holden.
My eyebrows knitted together as I tried to come up with an answer. One thing did come to mind. “When I was ten, I think, I lived with an older couple that were really nice.” I turned my head to look up at him. “They used to call me sweet pea and promised to keep me.” The memory alone of that couple always gave me a sense of being wanted.
I smiled softly. “I remember peeking around the corner and watching them dance together in the kitchen at least once a day. They were so in love. It was the first time I’d ever seen what love looked like. Whenever they’d catch me watching, they’d call me over to dance with
Damn, that felt good. I’d never been that honest with anyone before. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “A few years ago, I got up the nerve to read the original police report and found out I was only a few hours old when I was abandoned. Still had my freshly severed umbilical cord attached and tied in a knot.”
As freeing as that felt, I didn’t have the nerve to look back. I’d just laid some heavy shit out there for him to absorb. When all I got back was his silence and felt his heart pounding against my back, my chest tightened. I was ashamed. I shouldn’t have assumed he was ready to hear what I had to say. Why couldn’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut and enjoy this?
Clearing his throat, he finally spoke, “I don’t know what to say.”
That told me everything I needed to know. I’d just fucked up, and it was time for me to leave.
I began to get up when he wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing me close. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound the way it obviously did. Jules, it’s not your fault. None of us chooses the family we get or don’t get. I only reacted that way because my heart hurts thinking about you growing up in different houses with random people.”
Dammit. I hate when people feel sorry for me. “I don’t want your pity, Holden. Everything I’ve gone through has made me a stronger person, and I can take care of myself.” And it’s made me harder, too , I admitted internally.
He dropped the blanket and turned me around until my ass was planted on the chair between his open legs and my thighs were draped over his. Using his fingertips to caress my cheeks, he spoke softly. “I know how strong you are. It’s taken months for me to get this close to you.”
His eyes darted back and forth, making sure that I was still focused and listening to every word he was saying. “I’m here for you, but I won’t push. As much as I want to ask a hundred questions, not knowing the answers right now doesn’t change how I feel about you, and that feeling is not pity. Believe me.”
I felt my walls come down again as I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that he was offering his compassion and not his sympathy.
“C’mere.” He pulled me to him until my ear was resting on his chest, listening to his erratic heartbeat.
I wanted to accept his compassion. I really did, but I’d never accepted comfort from anyone before, so it was difficult. I tried to put myself in his shoes. Although he’d obviously had a rougher childhood than I’d realized, he now lived what seemed like a drama free life, so why would he want me around?
I took a deep breath and swallowed down the emotions rising in me. It wasn’t the right time to let all that shit out. “I don’t want to clutter your world with my sob story.”
He sighed meaningfully. “We all have things we’d like to forget, Jules . Tell me a good memory. What made little Jules light up a room?” As we cuddled, he played with my hair the way I imagined a loving parent or a lover would do. This whole touch thing was new to me, and a big part of me wanted to pull away, yet I couldn’t get enough of Holden.
My eyebrows knitted together as I tried to come up with an answer. One thing did come to mind. “When I was ten, I think, I lived with an older couple that were really nice.” I turned my head to look up at him. “They used to call me sweet pea and promised to keep me.” The memory alone of that couple always gave me a sense of being wanted.
I smiled softly. “I remember peeking around the corner and watching them dance together in the kitchen at least once a day. They were so in love. It was the first time I’d ever seen what love looked like. Whenever they’d catch me watching, they’d call me over to dance with
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