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Authors: Michael Graham
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victimhood, but one more must be told: the day they banned
Santa Claus.
In October 2001, the town council of Kensington, Maryland, voted to ban Santa from his official duties as tree lighter at
the annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony. The vote came after two citizens, both Jewish, asked that a menorah be included
in the official part of the celebration.
Now, this is a problem in modern America because the U.S. Supreme Court in its infinite wisdom had decided that all overtly
religious symbols are banned from civic ceremonies.Therefore, a menorah could not be included. The Jewish citizens countered by saying, “But you’re allowing Santa…” And so the
town council voted unanimously to give St. Nick the boot.
Yes, Santa Claus is, in the opinion of Kensington, as clearly a religious icon as the menorah—a theological position that
should offend every faithful Jew this side of Tel Aviv. Santa Claus isn’t a religious icon anywhere in America outside of
Madison Avenue. He’s more a product of Coca-Cola than Christianity.
When word got out about their foolishness, the town council was barraged by complaints. One flustered councilman, asked to
explain why Santa was too religious a symbol to be allowed but a
Christmas
tree was okay, insisted, “Oh, no, this is not a Christmas tree. This is an entirely
secular
tree.” A secular tree we just happen to be lighting in December. That’s covered with ornaments. At an event sponsored by
major retailers. With lots of singing. You know, one of those “secular” trees. (Ah, yes, who can forget those winter evenings
with your family gathered around a Fraser fir singing, “O secular tree, O secular tree, how nonsectarian are thy branches…”)
The mild-mannered dolts of Kensington wanted to be nice and take these offended citizens seriously, despite the fact that
the nature of the offense was idiotic. Unencumbered as I am by any innate goodness, my reaction would have been very different:
I would have tossed these thin-skinned idiots out on their
toches
, shouting “Merry Christmas” as they bounced down the front stairs of town hall.
The result would have been a minor assault violation for which I would have been fined; and a hate-crime violation for which
I would have been shot.
6
Nothing Gets This Bad
Except on Purpose:
Redneck Education
O ne result of my genetic rejection of Southernism is an innate bias against conspiracy theories. UFOs in Roswell, secret governments
in Washington, virgins in sororities—all such improbable claims I tend to dismiss without a hearing.
I grew up attending church with people who earnestly believed that ghosts and demons were conspiring to bring them harm. They
were convinced that their ill health and fiscal difficulties were the result of unseen forces of darkness, as opposed to the
half-eaten bag of Oreos dropping crumbs over the unfinished job application on their coffee table.
Today, many of those same church folk live in fear that
Harry Potter
books will lead their children into the clutches of Satan. I am impolitic enough to recall the days when those same worried
parents were teenagers whoended up in the clutches of hormonal supplicants at summer Bible camp.
Who has time to worry about shadowy forces of the Illuminati or the Tri-Lateral Commission? My earthbound neighbors are more
than capable of putting my liberty in jeopardy during the biannual election process. It’s not what the Council on Foreign
Relations is doing in private that’s the problem; it’s what the Democratic National Committee is doing in public.
So, unlike many of my fellow Southerners, I’m grateful for the fluoride in my drinking water, not fearful of it. When contrails
crisscross the afternoon sky, I don’t bother to wrap my head in aluminum foil. And if I ever run into Elvis working at the
Burger King at Lake Junaluska, North Carolina, I’ll ask him what Jimmy Hoffa’s up to these days.
There is one
Santa Claus.
In October 2001, the town council of Kensington, Maryland, voted to ban Santa from his official duties as tree lighter at
the annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony. The vote came after two citizens, both Jewish, asked that a menorah be included
in the official part of the celebration.
Now, this is a problem in modern America because the U.S. Supreme Court in its infinite wisdom had decided that all overtly
religious symbols are banned from civic ceremonies.Therefore, a menorah could not be included. The Jewish citizens countered by saying, “But you’re allowing Santa…” And so the
town council voted unanimously to give St. Nick the boot.
Yes, Santa Claus is, in the opinion of Kensington, as clearly a religious icon as the menorah—a theological position that
should offend every faithful Jew this side of Tel Aviv. Santa Claus isn’t a religious icon anywhere in America outside of
Madison Avenue. He’s more a product of Coca-Cola than Christianity.
When word got out about their foolishness, the town council was barraged by complaints. One flustered councilman, asked to
explain why Santa was too religious a symbol to be allowed but a
Christmas
tree was okay, insisted, “Oh, no, this is not a Christmas tree. This is an entirely
secular
tree.” A secular tree we just happen to be lighting in December. That’s covered with ornaments. At an event sponsored by
major retailers. With lots of singing. You know, one of those “secular” trees. (Ah, yes, who can forget those winter evenings
with your family gathered around a Fraser fir singing, “O secular tree, O secular tree, how nonsectarian are thy branches…”)
The mild-mannered dolts of Kensington wanted to be nice and take these offended citizens seriously, despite the fact that
the nature of the offense was idiotic. Unencumbered as I am by any innate goodness, my reaction would have been very different:
I would have tossed these thin-skinned idiots out on their
toches
, shouting “Merry Christmas” as they bounced down the front stairs of town hall.
The result would have been a minor assault violation for which I would have been fined; and a hate-crime violation for which
I would have been shot.
6
Nothing Gets This Bad
Except on Purpose:
Redneck Education
O ne result of my genetic rejection of Southernism is an innate bias against conspiracy theories. UFOs in Roswell, secret governments
in Washington, virgins in sororities—all such improbable claims I tend to dismiss without a hearing.
I grew up attending church with people who earnestly believed that ghosts and demons were conspiring to bring them harm. They
were convinced that their ill health and fiscal difficulties were the result of unseen forces of darkness, as opposed to the
half-eaten bag of Oreos dropping crumbs over the unfinished job application on their coffee table.
Today, many of those same church folk live in fear that
Harry Potter
books will lead their children into the clutches of Satan. I am impolitic enough to recall the days when those same worried
parents were teenagers whoended up in the clutches of hormonal supplicants at summer Bible camp.
Who has time to worry about shadowy forces of the Illuminati or the Tri-Lateral Commission? My earthbound neighbors are more
than capable of putting my liberty in jeopardy during the biannual election process. It’s not what the Council on Foreign
Relations is doing in private that’s the problem; it’s what the Democratic National Committee is doing in public.
So, unlike many of my fellow Southerners, I’m grateful for the fluoride in my drinking water, not fearful of it. When contrails
crisscross the afternoon sky, I don’t bother to wrap my head in aluminum foil. And if I ever run into Elvis working at the
Burger King at Lake Junaluska, North Carolina, I’ll ask him what Jimmy Hoffa’s up to these days.
There is one
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