Read Online President Me by Adam Carolla - Free Book Online

That whir helps me nod off. That and several tumblers of Mangria. Is there some sort of ceiling fan methadone that Dr. Drew can prescribe—Fanax? Maybe I can just hire someone to stand next to me and make that hmmmmmmm sound?
    It’s not just affecting my sleep; it’s affecting my marriage. Lynette is not a fan of the fan. When I turn it on anytime after September 1, she makes a noise that is the opposite of the soothing whisshhh of the fan. It’s an exasperated uaaahhhhhh . I tell my wife that I need the ceiling fan on to sleep, and ask her why it bothers her if she’s under the blanket. She’ll be bundled up under a duvet with a postage-stamp-sized piece of her face exposed and complain, “My forehead is cold.” I’m skeptical of this. There are no nerve endings up there; you could put a cigarette out on my forehead. I have to explain to her that I’m a junkie, I’m hooked on the sound. All those white-noise makers they have at Brookstone don’t have the right ambience. They have the sound of waves crashing on rocks, which I guess is good if you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway and you can sleep on the beach. Or they have the babbling brook or rain forest. I don’t know about you but I rarely sleep next to a babbling brook. (By the way, Babbling Brook would be a great name for a female cattle auctioneer.) I need more realistic sounds, the ones I’m used to, to lull me to dreamland. We need the ceiling fan sound on a white-noise machine. It would save millions of kilowatts. (And let’s get rid of the term “white noise.” I don’t even know what that is. I just assume it’s a bunch of attorneys repeating the phrase “at the end of the day.”)
    One last complaint about chicks and electricity. We’d never have to build another hydroelectric dam or dig another coal mine if women would stop blow-drying their hair. Blow-dryers are deceptively energy draining. You could use one of those things for ten minutes or keep a porch light on for ten years. I know it. Next time your wife is blow-drying her hair, take a walk out to the power meter and see it spinning like a dreidel.
    Not only does it use as much power, it makes as much noise as the engine of a 747. No wonder most women can’t think. They spend a significant portion of their lives with a deafening device deep-frying their brains. Think about how many hours they spend heating up Aqua Net and blowing hair dryers into their faces. When that hairspray hits the heat it becomes weaponized. Forget secondhand smoke, heated-up hairspray needs a PSA. I think the reason we don’t have an equal society where women get the same wages as men and they’re all engineers and other unrealistic stuff is because they spend all that time on their hair and not on the brain right beneath that hair. Don’t get me wrong; if guys did this we’d be in the same sinking boat.
    And this is why all hairdressers are flaky and nuts. They’re all on their third marriage, believe firmly in guardian angels, and their best friend is a macaw named Blue Man who doesn’t judge.
    But again, think about how much power gets sucked off the grid for hair dryers. Twenty minutes every day, times 75 million women. That’s why I think President Obama missed an opportunity. He should have forced Michelle to go full Shirley from What’s Happening!! with her hair. If Michelle just let her hair go natural, all the women of color would follow. Hell, maybe even some Jews and Italians. This could bring the races together. Italians, Jews, and blacks could all dunk their heads in a pool, let their hair dry in the sun, and say, “We’re not so different after all.” I secretly suspect that this is why the African American community is not so fond of swimming. Black chicks spend so much time straightening their hair they don’t want to fuck it up in the (public) pool. But more importantly it would end