seeing.’
There was something slipping in my head again. A shifting of realities. I turned and saw the model holding a slice of chocolate cake in her hand, sizing it up. Then closing her eyes she put it to her mouth and inhaled. She was inhaling the cake. I thought of days, weeks, months of strict diet, self-control. And now she was giving in, as we all do, to the urges we try to suppress.
‘Why didn’t she just ring me, Sarah? I had been trying to call her all bloody night.’
‘So there was an argument?’ Sarah said. The teaspoon was in her hand. Shaking.
‘No, for fuck’s sake. There was no argument. Listen to me,’ I leant forward, close to her face. ‘I came down on Friday to meet Clara. We didn’t fight, not about anything, certainly not about a bloke. I didn’t even know there was one.’
‘That’s not what you said.’ Sarah let her hair fall over her face so I couldn’t see her eyes, then she pushed it slowly back behind her ears. I trawled through the blur of Friday night to the conversation about who you were seeing. I remembered my bluff. Now it had a consequence.
‘That was nothing. Just some one-night stand she mentioned,’ I said.
‘She was different, Rachel. She looked frightened.’ Sarah wouldn’t give up. I sat back in my chair and looked at a slice of sunlight falling on the table. I could see the particles of dust floating, phosphorescent in the air.
‘Why are you doing this, Sarah, when we both want the same thing? Clara is out there somewhere. Surely we should be sticking together, not fighting each other.’
She shrugged her shoulders.
‘How long has it been?’ I asked.
‘What are you talking about?’ Her voice was defensive.
‘How long has it been since you and Clara have been friends? Seven, eight months? Has she really told you everything?’
‘She’s told me enough,’ Sarah said. It was clearly not the conversation she wanted to have.
‘So you’ll know where she was? You’ll know what happened to her in all that time she was away? Because if you don’t you can’t really understand her, not like I do.’
‘I don’t care what happened in the past. I want to know where she is now.’
‘It wasn’t my idea to come to Brighton, to meet up with you and Debbie,’ I said. Sarah laughed, a cynical laugh.
‘You surprise me.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ I said. ‘She wanted us all to go out, she wanted to see me. And then she doesn’t turn up, appears after I’m gone and doesn’t even try to call me. You don’t think that’s just a little bit strange?’
‘Whatever you say?’
‘It’s the truth.’ My voice was louder than I wanted it to be, louder than it should have been in a public place. From frustration, because my words had no impact on her.
It was then I saw the look on her face that brought it all back. Fifth year. The two of us in front of the teacher, wet from the water, out of breath and crying. In the distance the sound of an ambulance siren getting closer and closer though we already knew it was too late for Lucy Redfern; the screams of Lucy’s twin James piercing the air. Sarah and I were on the bank shouting our version of events to Mr Payne the PE teacher and even though we weren’t listening to each other I knew her words didn’t fit mine and mine didn’t fit hers. We had blankets placed round us and were told to sip sugary tea which of course we couldn’t because we were shaking so violently. And all the time this look of horror, of disbelief, which didn’t leave Sarah’s face, not for hours, not until her mum came and drove her away in a maroon Ford Escort.
‘It was a long time ago, Sarah. An accident.’
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Don’t play dumb. It wasn’t like that and you know it,’ I said.
‘Of course it wasn’t, Rachel.’ Her words were heavy with sarcasm.
I didn’t answer. There was nothing to say. She hadn’t forgotten the past. Does anyone? I tried to escape
There was something slipping in my head again. A shifting of realities. I turned and saw the model holding a slice of chocolate cake in her hand, sizing it up. Then closing her eyes she put it to her mouth and inhaled. She was inhaling the cake. I thought of days, weeks, months of strict diet, self-control. And now she was giving in, as we all do, to the urges we try to suppress.
‘Why didn’t she just ring me, Sarah? I had been trying to call her all bloody night.’
‘So there was an argument?’ Sarah said. The teaspoon was in her hand. Shaking.
‘No, for fuck’s sake. There was no argument. Listen to me,’ I leant forward, close to her face. ‘I came down on Friday to meet Clara. We didn’t fight, not about anything, certainly not about a bloke. I didn’t even know there was one.’
‘That’s not what you said.’ Sarah let her hair fall over her face so I couldn’t see her eyes, then she pushed it slowly back behind her ears. I trawled through the blur of Friday night to the conversation about who you were seeing. I remembered my bluff. Now it had a consequence.
‘That was nothing. Just some one-night stand she mentioned,’ I said.
‘She was different, Rachel. She looked frightened.’ Sarah wouldn’t give up. I sat back in my chair and looked at a slice of sunlight falling on the table. I could see the particles of dust floating, phosphorescent in the air.
‘Why are you doing this, Sarah, when we both want the same thing? Clara is out there somewhere. Surely we should be sticking together, not fighting each other.’
She shrugged her shoulders.
‘How long has it been?’ I asked.
‘What are you talking about?’ Her voice was defensive.
‘How long has it been since you and Clara have been friends? Seven, eight months? Has she really told you everything?’
‘She’s told me enough,’ Sarah said. It was clearly not the conversation she wanted to have.
‘So you’ll know where she was? You’ll know what happened to her in all that time she was away? Because if you don’t you can’t really understand her, not like I do.’
‘I don’t care what happened in the past. I want to know where she is now.’
‘It wasn’t my idea to come to Brighton, to meet up with you and Debbie,’ I said. Sarah laughed, a cynical laugh.
‘You surprise me.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ I said. ‘She wanted us all to go out, she wanted to see me. And then she doesn’t turn up, appears after I’m gone and doesn’t even try to call me. You don’t think that’s just a little bit strange?’
‘Whatever you say?’
‘It’s the truth.’ My voice was louder than I wanted it to be, louder than it should have been in a public place. From frustration, because my words had no impact on her.
It was then I saw the look on her face that brought it all back. Fifth year. The two of us in front of the teacher, wet from the water, out of breath and crying. In the distance the sound of an ambulance siren getting closer and closer though we already knew it was too late for Lucy Redfern; the screams of Lucy’s twin James piercing the air. Sarah and I were on the bank shouting our version of events to Mr Payne the PE teacher and even though we weren’t listening to each other I knew her words didn’t fit mine and mine didn’t fit hers. We had blankets placed round us and were told to sip sugary tea which of course we couldn’t because we were shaking so violently. And all the time this look of horror, of disbelief, which didn’t leave Sarah’s face, not for hours, not until her mum came and drove her away in a maroon Ford Escort.
‘It was a long time ago, Sarah. An accident.’
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘Don’t play dumb. It wasn’t like that and you know it,’ I said.
‘Of course it wasn’t, Rachel.’ Her words were heavy with sarcasm.
I didn’t answer. There was nothing to say. She hadn’t forgotten the past. Does anyone? I tried to escape
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