Read Online Please Let It Stop by Jacqueline Gold - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Jacqueline Gold
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new two-bedroom property in Croydon which cost £90,000. I lived there for two years and finally felt I was in charge and in control of my life. I had money, I had my own furniture and most importantly I now had the independence I had been seeking since childhood. I also had my sister, Vanessa. As children we were not as close as we might have been if there was perhaps only a three- or four-year age gap. Seven years between us meant that we had not really had the chance to establish any common ground. It was not until she was sixteen and I was twenty-three and married to Tony that we became friends. One day she came over to the house where Tony and I lived in Biggin Hill and something wonderful happened: we found each other.
She was standing with me in an upstairs bedroom while I sorted through bags of jumpers and clothes for some ofthe parties we were trying out at the time. I don’t know why I did it but I suddenly asked her whether everything was all right at home. It started as a very awkward conversation with us both skirting around the taboo subject that we had never previously discussed. Neither of us spoke directly about the abuse we had suffered as children but enough was said for us to understand each other. It was one of those moments of recognition, where we both realised how important we were to each other and how we had so much in common, not just as sisters, but as people. We didn’t need to spell it all out verbally: we just both instinctively knew we had a bond that could not be broken.
While I was working on this book, I asked her how she felt and she expressed the moment beautifully: ‘For me that was the day that the age gap closed between us and I met and fell in love with my sister. In my mind that sealed our friendship forever – I was no longer alone.’ But it was in that same conversation that Vanessa also told me how painful it was when I left home to be with Tony. Her description of it makes me cry.
One of my most painful early memories was the day you left home – I suppose I must have been about eleven – and although there may have been a build-up to the day you left, in my mind it seemed like one minute you were there and the next you were gone. I don’t remember any big goodbye, any hugs or any words being spoken, just emptiness. I can’t saywe were particularly close at that time – I am sure the age gap must have felt huge which I am sure was normal for siblings but the devastation I felt still stays with me today and even while writing these words I am fighting back the tears.
I felt so alone at home. When you were there you were both company for me and a buffer against him. After you left all I remember is the constant tension in the house, the aggression, the fighting and the hard work. We have often discussed the fact that my being feisty probably protected me from any unwanted attention but I had no idea what you were going through at the time. There must be some basic instinct that you have as a child because I would do anything not to be left in the house with him on my own after you left. I also begged Mum not to leave me at home alone with him but more often than not she would.
Vanessa tells me that well before John had ever tried anything on with her she was instinctively aware that something wasn’t right with him. There were the cuddles on the sofa but only when Mum wasn’t there or the way he would creep up to the bedroom at the top of the house very quietly when she was getting undressed for bed. Like me, she had this constant feeling of dread when he was around. He cornered her one day in the pool shed at the bottom of the garden and this time it went beyond kisses. She says she can remember the smell of the chlorine that was stored in there, the tools on the shed wall and the way the lightstruggled to poke through the two small grimy windows on the left-hand side. She knew what he did was wrong. She just didn’t know what to do about it.
When my marriage
She was standing with me in an upstairs bedroom while I sorted through bags of jumpers and clothes for some ofthe parties we were trying out at the time. I don’t know why I did it but I suddenly asked her whether everything was all right at home. It started as a very awkward conversation with us both skirting around the taboo subject that we had never previously discussed. Neither of us spoke directly about the abuse we had suffered as children but enough was said for us to understand each other. It was one of those moments of recognition, where we both realised how important we were to each other and how we had so much in common, not just as sisters, but as people. We didn’t need to spell it all out verbally: we just both instinctively knew we had a bond that could not be broken.
While I was working on this book, I asked her how she felt and she expressed the moment beautifully: ‘For me that was the day that the age gap closed between us and I met and fell in love with my sister. In my mind that sealed our friendship forever – I was no longer alone.’ But it was in that same conversation that Vanessa also told me how painful it was when I left home to be with Tony. Her description of it makes me cry.
One of my most painful early memories was the day you left home – I suppose I must have been about eleven – and although there may have been a build-up to the day you left, in my mind it seemed like one minute you were there and the next you were gone. I don’t remember any big goodbye, any hugs or any words being spoken, just emptiness. I can’t saywe were particularly close at that time – I am sure the age gap must have felt huge which I am sure was normal for siblings but the devastation I felt still stays with me today and even while writing these words I am fighting back the tears.
I felt so alone at home. When you were there you were both company for me and a buffer against him. After you left all I remember is the constant tension in the house, the aggression, the fighting and the hard work. We have often discussed the fact that my being feisty probably protected me from any unwanted attention but I had no idea what you were going through at the time. There must be some basic instinct that you have as a child because I would do anything not to be left in the house with him on my own after you left. I also begged Mum not to leave me at home alone with him but more often than not she would.
Vanessa tells me that well before John had ever tried anything on with her she was instinctively aware that something wasn’t right with him. There were the cuddles on the sofa but only when Mum wasn’t there or the way he would creep up to the bedroom at the top of the house very quietly when she was getting undressed for bed. Like me, she had this constant feeling of dread when he was around. He cornered her one day in the pool shed at the bottom of the garden and this time it went beyond kisses. She says she can remember the smell of the chlorine that was stored in there, the tools on the shed wall and the way the lightstruggled to poke through the two small grimy windows on the left-hand side. She knew what he did was wrong. She just didn’t know what to do about it.
When my marriage
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