the
goddamn thing was in my name. Sonofabitch!
Did he do it on purpose because I moved out? I can’t believe he
would be so deliberately shitty. I called the phone people today and
told them to take it out. I think he just moved and forgot about it.
That would be more like him.
He told me he would cancel the service and I relied on him to keep
his word. It really burns me up. He flakes, I pay.
Finished Chap. 36 tonight. Kept the good stuff, eliminated the bad
stuff, or so I like to think. Major changes overall, with an
intermediate notebook draft that was very helpful.
Anyway, I like the result.
Slip-sliding away. The nearer my destination, the more I’m slip-
sliding away. What is the purpose of this journal? It has grown
beyond my original intentions, and writing it has become a
compulsion. It shows me growing older, harder, sadder. Still, I yearn
for something more than what I have. I wish to achieve. I wish for
love. I want something that will stand forever.
And yet I know it will all disappear like the smoke ring I just blew
from my cigarette. It will vanish in the haze, get covered in the fog,
become submerged in the fast-running stream of time. I may only be
26, but I feel very old. I feel like 90.
Been digging clams in the mud. Horsenecks. Mmmm. Mighty
good eating. Tasty and cheap. I know how to live but love is beyond
my reach. I deserve what I have – nothing.
I lied to Annie the other day when she was here. Told her I had
destroyed all our old correspondence. Of course I haven’t. I never
destroy anything. Well, almost never. I destroyed the semi-nude
photos Ms. Ellsworth let me take of her although I still have the bikini
shots. Damn, I wish I still had those.
Just to look at. Man, what a Formula One bod that woman had.
(Still has?) I use the past tense only because it (the bod) is no longer
available to me.
What a shame.
54
Yes, it’s really too bad. Nobody knew how to operate that
screamin’ machine better than yours truly. Perhaps Polly has found a
more compatible man in the occupational or financial sense, but at the
chemical level I know I will always reign supreme. That burning
passion we had is rare, very rare.
Goddamn, we could make each other cum like you wouldn’t
believe. One night I swear I had two orgasms in a row, about a
minute apart. What an experience that was. And I could tell it was
the same for her, even just from intercourse, although Polly was
always ready to do anything, try anything.
Amazing.
It is not the same with Annie, I am sorry to report. Good, not great.
I wanted to put her mind at ease, but I’m not sure I succeeded. She’s
too smart to be fooled by my crude lies.
Oh well.
Annie’s letters are bundled up in the black trunk, there to molder. I
may yet write a book about that period in my life. Raw material is
precious. I want to damn myself forever. I want to show the world
what a bastard I truly am.
* * * *
March 25, 1978
Today I am going to check out the local library. I may also take a
drive down to the ocean for a while. Need to clear my thoughts
before I begin cracking on Chapter 37. I’ve got my cut-off jeans on
and I intend to take a swim in the freezing ass fucking seawater. As
long as I am here, these tawny beaches will know much of me. Who
wrote that? What was her name?
Sarah Teasdale?
Only 13 more chapters need to be rewritten. This is a drag, the
most difficult part. However, my progress is good and the product is
sound. Most of the chapters are fairly short, the exception being
Chap. 49, which runs nearly 21 pages.
Re-did the dinner segment last night. It flows a lot better now.
Need to ponder the Aldous Hasbro incident before I plunge into it.
Not sure what direction to take there.
55
* * * *
March 28, 1978
Spent my reading time over the weekend with Dashiell Hammett –
The Glass Key . Oh man, is it ever good! Hammett is much better in
his novels than his short stories.
I loved
goddamn thing was in my name. Sonofabitch!
Did he do it on purpose because I moved out? I can’t believe he
would be so deliberately shitty. I called the phone people today and
told them to take it out. I think he just moved and forgot about it.
That would be more like him.
He told me he would cancel the service and I relied on him to keep
his word. It really burns me up. He flakes, I pay.
Finished Chap. 36 tonight. Kept the good stuff, eliminated the bad
stuff, or so I like to think. Major changes overall, with an
intermediate notebook draft that was very helpful.
Anyway, I like the result.
Slip-sliding away. The nearer my destination, the more I’m slip-
sliding away. What is the purpose of this journal? It has grown
beyond my original intentions, and writing it has become a
compulsion. It shows me growing older, harder, sadder. Still, I yearn
for something more than what I have. I wish to achieve. I wish for
love. I want something that will stand forever.
And yet I know it will all disappear like the smoke ring I just blew
from my cigarette. It will vanish in the haze, get covered in the fog,
become submerged in the fast-running stream of time. I may only be
26, but I feel very old. I feel like 90.
Been digging clams in the mud. Horsenecks. Mmmm. Mighty
good eating. Tasty and cheap. I know how to live but love is beyond
my reach. I deserve what I have – nothing.
I lied to Annie the other day when she was here. Told her I had
destroyed all our old correspondence. Of course I haven’t. I never
destroy anything. Well, almost never. I destroyed the semi-nude
photos Ms. Ellsworth let me take of her although I still have the bikini
shots. Damn, I wish I still had those.
Just to look at. Man, what a Formula One bod that woman had.
(Still has?) I use the past tense only because it (the bod) is no longer
available to me.
What a shame.
54
Yes, it’s really too bad. Nobody knew how to operate that
screamin’ machine better than yours truly. Perhaps Polly has found a
more compatible man in the occupational or financial sense, but at the
chemical level I know I will always reign supreme. That burning
passion we had is rare, very rare.
Goddamn, we could make each other cum like you wouldn’t
believe. One night I swear I had two orgasms in a row, about a
minute apart. What an experience that was. And I could tell it was
the same for her, even just from intercourse, although Polly was
always ready to do anything, try anything.
Amazing.
It is not the same with Annie, I am sorry to report. Good, not great.
I wanted to put her mind at ease, but I’m not sure I succeeded. She’s
too smart to be fooled by my crude lies.
Oh well.
Annie’s letters are bundled up in the black trunk, there to molder. I
may yet write a book about that period in my life. Raw material is
precious. I want to damn myself forever. I want to show the world
what a bastard I truly am.
* * * *
March 25, 1978
Today I am going to check out the local library. I may also take a
drive down to the ocean for a while. Need to clear my thoughts
before I begin cracking on Chapter 37. I’ve got my cut-off jeans on
and I intend to take a swim in the freezing ass fucking seawater. As
long as I am here, these tawny beaches will know much of me. Who
wrote that? What was her name?
Sarah Teasdale?
Only 13 more chapters need to be rewritten. This is a drag, the
most difficult part. However, my progress is good and the product is
sound. Most of the chapters are fairly short, the exception being
Chap. 49, which runs nearly 21 pages.
Re-did the dinner segment last night. It flows a lot better now.
Need to ponder the Aldous Hasbro incident before I plunge into it.
Not sure what direction to take there.
55
* * * *
March 28, 1978
Spent my reading time over the weekend with Dashiell Hammett –
The Glass Key . Oh man, is it ever good! Hammett is much better in
his novels than his short stories.
I loved
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