Past Heaven
worst nightmares wouldn’t do these places justice. The stories of abuse and neglect are too numerous to tell. Jack’s senior sociology project was an in-depth report on one of the state institutions. I’ll never forget the day he came home from visiting the place. At that point, we were living together. He came in the door with disgust-filled eyes, and went to the bathroom to vomit. After he showered, he was finally able to tell me some of the horrors he had witnessed there.”
    Pulling the plates from the cupboard, I served lunch and grabbed a couple of water bottles from the fridge. I set everything on the table and took my seat. Reynolds looked at me as if I was from another planet. I checked myself. I didn’t smell like a locker room. “Do I have something on my face?” I couldn’t believe I just asked that, but oddly, I felt comfortable around him. As long as he didn’t touch me, of course.
    “No.” He chuckled and grabbed his fork. “I don’t recall anyone ever making me chicken salad before. Thank you. This is nice.”
    I shifted in my seat. I wasn’t here to be nice. I was simply being hospitable. I needed to work and this was just a job. I smiled and chose to be normal this time. “You’re welcome. Enjoy.”
    We ate in silence and I was grateful. I needed a break from reliving the memories and ripping open the unhealed wound. As I reached my last bite and Reynolds wiped his mouth, I knew my time was up.
    “That night when we laid in bed, he told me that after graduation he was dedicating his life to working to help people with disabilities. His mission was to close down the institutions.” I paused, looking out the window. “Before that, I had thought Jack was a devoted boyfriend who wanted to make my brother a part of his life. But after hearing his revelation, I realized it was his calling.
    “After graduating, we got married in the fall. It was a beautiful, but simple, ceremony during my favorite time of year. Shortly after, I became a social worker while Jack found an entry-level position at a local agency that supported individuals with developmental and intellectual disabilities. He held almost every job there. He even swept the floors after everyone was gone because he wanted to make sure that those served by the agency came to a pristine place.” I sat at the table, resting my face on my hand as I recalled the bittersweet memories. “He loved every minute of it. Neither one of us made much money, so we waited almost seven years before we had Griff. By that time, Jack was next in line to head the Warren agency, and I was able to stay home to raise our kids.” I drank from my water bottle as Reynolds caught up with his typing.
    “Liz, that’s astonishing. Jack dedicated everything to this cause. The world needs more people that care about something as much as Jack cared about this. He sounds wonderful.” Reynolds’ look of admiration was resolute, and I smiled. He didn’t know the half of it.
    I leaned back in my chair and continued talking. “The next couple of years were the best of my life. I stayed home and cared for our sons while Jack worked with state legislators and various agencies to start the process of closing the institutions and finding placements for everyone who needed them. Even though he worked long hours, I also want to make sure we include the kind of father he was. It’s really important to me that people understand that part of Jack’s life as well.” I drew in a shaky breath as tears leaked out from the corners of my eyes.
    “Of course, we’ll make sure that is crystal clear.” Reynolds grabbed my hand and squeezed. I pulled it out of his grasp and grabbed our empty plates. I pushed away from the table and pinched my eyes closed after I turned my back for a moment. He must think I’m such a cold bitch. And he wouldn’t be wrong, if he did.
    I was empty inside. I refused any tenderness because I couldn’t give any in return. Any love I had left went to

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