the boys. My feelings no longer mattered, but preserving Jack’s memory did. Reynolds hung his head as he rubbed his hand on his pant leg. Yes, he definitely thinks I’m a bitch. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand.
“Thank you.” He looked up and our eyes met for a brief moment. My heart rate slowed, and I breathed deeply through my nose. “I want the boys to watch this and be able to remember when they’re older how special he was. For as much as he did at the agency, he put his family first. He coached soccer and baseball. He attended church with us on Sunday. He read the boys a story before bed every night. He loved to give them their baths. He was an amazing father. I didn’t see that until he was gone. Trying to do everything he did on my own has been…hard, impossible, really. They’re missing out on so much, you know?”
Reynolds glanced off to the side and tapped his fingers on the table. “Liz, I have to say. I’ve only known you for a few hours, but something tells me you’re doing a tremendous job on your own. I’m sure your boys are very well-loved and cared for.” Reynolds’ voice was gentle, and he had a determined look on his face.
I shook my head, dismissing his praise. My insecurities of how the boys would deal without a father were too strong to process. “Thank you for saying that, but I know they miss their dad very much, and I miss him, too. Every day.” Choking back more tears, I loaded our plates into the dishwasher as Reynolds cleared the trash from the table.
I couldn’t explain my innermost thoughts to Reynolds. He was a stranger, and I hadn’t told anyone what kept me up at night. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been too supportive of Jack’s goals. While I understood that closing the institutions was more important than some temporary loss of family time we had experienced, I struggled with so many what ifs. What if I had insisted Jack find more people to help him? What if he hadn’t tried to take on that mission all on his own? Would Wells have singled him out? Would he still be alive? In my quest to be the supportive wife, had I made the biggest mistake of all? If I had told Jack we needed him with us more, could I have kept him alive? Had I failed Jack and my kids? The guilt ate at me.
“Excuse me for a moment.” I walked into the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. The heat of my emotions caused a red flush to enflame my face. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my cheeks. The worst part, for me, was a lingering thought. Why did he want to spend that much time away?
Deep in the ugliest part of my soul, I questioned why Jack had been so devoted to this cause and his job. Was I not enough? Had I not provided the fulfillment and happiness he had craved? Maybe if he had been married to someone he had loved more, he would have loved his job less and still be alive. I clenched my eyes shut as the pain ran through me. These thoughts were part of my private hell. Nothing that I could share with anyone. I dried my face and hands and walked back into the kitchen
“How do you do it? I mean how do you keep it together for the kids? It’s pretty obvious that this is still very raw for you.” Reynolds looked at me with empathy.
I wrapped my arms around myself as warmth filled my aching heart. Feeling a man’s care and compassion again was nice.
“Running has become an outlet for me. I take that time to cry, scream, and run the pain the hell out of my chest. Afterward, I feel like I can breathe again. Well, at least for another twenty-four hours, and then I need to do it again. I’ve become addicted to the adrenaline rush. I figure it’s at least a healthy addiction, right?” I smiled at Reynolds, aware that his returning smile was a somber one.
“Oh! I almost forgot! I also have a mantra.” I smirked as I looked out the window.
“You have a mantra? What is it?”
I was sure he was expecting some sappy Hallmark saying
“Thank you.” He looked up and our eyes met for a brief moment. My heart rate slowed, and I breathed deeply through my nose. “I want the boys to watch this and be able to remember when they’re older how special he was. For as much as he did at the agency, he put his family first. He coached soccer and baseball. He attended church with us on Sunday. He read the boys a story before bed every night. He loved to give them their baths. He was an amazing father. I didn’t see that until he was gone. Trying to do everything he did on my own has been…hard, impossible, really. They’re missing out on so much, you know?”
Reynolds glanced off to the side and tapped his fingers on the table. “Liz, I have to say. I’ve only known you for a few hours, but something tells me you’re doing a tremendous job on your own. I’m sure your boys are very well-loved and cared for.” Reynolds’ voice was gentle, and he had a determined look on his face.
I shook my head, dismissing his praise. My insecurities of how the boys would deal without a father were too strong to process. “Thank you for saying that, but I know they miss their dad very much, and I miss him, too. Every day.” Choking back more tears, I loaded our plates into the dishwasher as Reynolds cleared the trash from the table.
I couldn’t explain my innermost thoughts to Reynolds. He was a stranger, and I hadn’t told anyone what kept me up at night. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been too supportive of Jack’s goals. While I understood that closing the institutions was more important than some temporary loss of family time we had experienced, I struggled with so many what ifs. What if I had insisted Jack find more people to help him? What if he hadn’t tried to take on that mission all on his own? Would Wells have singled him out? Would he still be alive? In my quest to be the supportive wife, had I made the biggest mistake of all? If I had told Jack we needed him with us more, could I have kept him alive? Had I failed Jack and my kids? The guilt ate at me.
“Excuse me for a moment.” I walked into the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. The heat of my emotions caused a red flush to enflame my face. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my cheeks. The worst part, for me, was a lingering thought. Why did he want to spend that much time away?
Deep in the ugliest part of my soul, I questioned why Jack had been so devoted to this cause and his job. Was I not enough? Had I not provided the fulfillment and happiness he had craved? Maybe if he had been married to someone he had loved more, he would have loved his job less and still be alive. I clenched my eyes shut as the pain ran through me. These thoughts were part of my private hell. Nothing that I could share with anyone. I dried my face and hands and walked back into the kitchen
“How do you do it? I mean how do you keep it together for the kids? It’s pretty obvious that this is still very raw for you.” Reynolds looked at me with empathy.
I wrapped my arms around myself as warmth filled my aching heart. Feeling a man’s care and compassion again was nice.
“Running has become an outlet for me. I take that time to cry, scream, and run the pain the hell out of my chest. Afterward, I feel like I can breathe again. Well, at least for another twenty-four hours, and then I need to do it again. I’ve become addicted to the adrenaline rush. I figure it’s at least a healthy addiction, right?” I smiled at Reynolds, aware that his returning smile was a somber one.
“Oh! I almost forgot! I also have a mantra.” I smirked as I looked out the window.
“You have a mantra? What is it?”
I was sure he was expecting some sappy Hallmark saying
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