Party Princess
demanding interviews, and no doubt Quentin Tarantino, asking for the film rights—”
    “Wow,” I said, barely listening. Am I the ONLY person who recognizes the GREAT pain we are going to be in when Amber Cheeseman finds out we have no money to pay for Alice Tully Hall? “The contributions you’ve gotten are that good, huh?”
    “Spectacular. I had no idea our fellow students were so DEEP. Kenny Showalter in particular wrote an ode to his true love that brought tears to my—”
    “Kenny wrote an ode?”
    “Well, he CALLS it a thesis about brown dwarf stars, but it is clearly a tribute to a woman. A woman he once loved, then tragically lost.”
    Whoa. Who had KENNY ever loved and lost? Except…
    Me?
    But I couldn’t let this news distract me! It was important to stay on point. I HAD to get Lilly to change the name of her literary magazine.
    Oh, and make five thousand dollars—Ooooh! Michael’s IMing me!
     
     
     
    S KINNER B X : Hey! So what was the deal with your grandmother? Was she really singing?
     
     
     
    F T L OUIE : What? Oh yeah! Among other things. How are you?
     
     
     
    S KINNER B X : Great. Still stoked you’re coming over this weekend.
     
     
     
    Okay, my life is so seriously over. I thought Amber Cheeseman was going to be the death of me, but it turns out I’m going to die well before she ever finds out I’ve squandered her commencement money on environmentally friendly recycling bins. I am going to have to kill MYSELF first, because that’s the only way I can see to get out of going to this party.
    Because I CAN’T go to this party. I CAN’T. See, I know what’s going to happen if I go: I’m going to be all shy and intimidated by the much smarter, older people there, and I’m going to end up sitting by myself in a corner, and Michael is going to come over and be like, “Is everything okay?” and I’m going to be like, “Yes,” but he will know I am lying because my nostrils will flare (note to self: Does he know about how my nostrils flare when I lie??? Find out.) and then he’ll figure out I’m not a party girl and am, in fact, the total social drag I know myself to be.
    Besides, I don’t even own a beret.
    I’m not going to let this happen. Because I’m just going to say I can’t go.
    Okay. Here I go.
     
     
     
    F T L OUIE : Michael, I’m really sorry, but—
     
     
     
    DELETE DELETE DELETE
     
     
     
    I CAN’T say no. Because what if he takes it personally? What if he thinks it’s like a rejection of HIM?
    WHAT IF HE SEEKS SOLACE FOR HIS INJURED PRIDE IN THE ARMS OF ONE OF THOSE MEAN COLLEGE GIRLS????
    Wait. I’ve got to pull myself together. Michael isn’t like that. He would never cheat on me with another girl, no matter how hard she threw herself at him. Even if Craig DID cheat on Ashley with Manny on Degrassi when Ashley wouldn’t have sex with him. That doesn’t mean Michael would do the same thing. Because he is BETTER than Craig. Who, by the way, was suffering from bipolar disorder at the time. And is also a fictional character.
    Besides, college girls don’t wear thongs. They think they are sexist.
    Tina is right. I’ve just got to be honest with him. I’ve got to come out and say it.
     
     
     
    F T L OUIE : Michael, I can’t go to your party because I don’t even like parties and besides I think it’s going to be totally boring hanging out with a bunch of college people, especially if all you talk about is dystopic sci-fi films….
     
     
     
    DELETE DELETE DELETE
     
     
     
    I can’t say THAT! Oh, God. What am I going to do????
     
     
     
    F T L OUIE : Yeah! Can’t wait!
     
     
     
    God. I am such a liar.
     
     
     
    S KINNER B X : So what’s this I hear about your grandmother having some kind of party next Wednesday night for Bob Dylan?
     
     
     
    F T L OUIE : Bob Dylan? You mean the singer?
     
     
     
    S KINNER B X : Yeah. Bono and Elton John are supposed to be there, too.
     
     
     
    For a minute I thought maybe Michael had

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