and maybe, just maybe this isn’t so terrible after all.
‘Yes,’ I say looking at him. ‘It’s scary as hell but I do. I mean, it’s not sunk in yet, and this isn’t conventional. Actually it’s utterly mental! But…’
But what? I think.
‘But to have an abortion would feel like the coward’s way out,’ I say, and for that moment I really believe what I’m saying. ‘It would feel like not choosing life. Not just literally in terms of the baby, but for me, for us.’
Jim gets hold of my hand. We’re right on top of the bridge now and the wind is blowing our hair sideways, making our eyes sting.
‘I agree, Tess, it’s alright, I agree…’ He says beaming at me now.
‘And the main reason,’ I add.
‘What’s the main reason?’ Jim asks.
‘In the future, the years to come, I couldn’t deal with what could have happened, you know?’
‘I know, I know.’
‘I couldn’t deal with what might have been.’
CHAPTER FIVE
‘I knew as soon as I set eyes on Mac that I was in big trouble. At fifty to my twenty-six, he was way too old. But he was so bloody sexy – a big hairy bear on wheels, how could I resist that? People stare when he’s pushing Layla down the street in his leathers and old enough to be her grandad but I don’t care. He’s not what I expected, but he’s a kitten. The most loving dad Layla could ever wish for.’
Georgie, 27, Brighton
I could tell Jim was secretly delighted by his own virility – by the fact that he shot and he scored. But I also knew, despite his usual optimism, that he was freaked out beyond belief.
The days that followed were totally surreal.We were both – we still are – in a state of shock and took to calling each other sometimes three times a day with phone calls that went a bit this.
Me: Hello
Jim: Hello
Long pause
Jim: How are you feeling?
Me: Weird. How are you feeling?
Jim: Yeah, weird
Long pause
Jim: I’m going to be a dad, I can’t believe it
Me: You can’t believe it!? Try being the one who’s got to carry the thing for nine months
Jim: I thought I wouldn’t be able to have kids though, that I’d have killed all my strong swimmers with all the booze I’ve quaffed
(See, I was so right about the virility thing)
Me: Well you can and it’s true
Jim: I know, I just can’t believe it though, it’s like it’s happening to someone else
That particular line was not that encouraging. And I told him so.
We’re on the fourth floor of Borders on Oxford Street in the Parenting section.
I need to say that again.
We’re on the fourth floor of Borders on Oxford Street in the Parenting section.
Nope. Still sounds ridiculous.
I lean against the bookshelf leafing through a book called Bundle of Joy: 101 Real Stories of Motherhood as if I do this every day, as if I do, actually, belong to this weird species, most of them mutant-shaped, milling around the shop floor, hand in hand: ‘The Expectants’.
But I am not expectant. At no point did I ever expect this! When that positive test emerged it was categorically the most unexpected thing I have ever experienced in my life. Things like this don’t happen to me, they happen to the people I interview – everything happens to the people I interview, but not to me.
My life has been one big cushy ride so far, which is why I’ve always blagged it when it comes to taking precautionsagainst life’s eventualities. After all, the less stuff happens to you, the less you think it will, don’t you? I never did lie awake at night, dissecting my last session of oral sex and panicking that I hadn’t listened in Biology and it was perfectly feasible to get pregnant from a blow job after all. I rolled my eyes at Mrs Tucker our ‘personal health’ teacher – you can imagine what she got called – who said you could get pregnant by withdrawal – something that evoked all the risk of a banking transaction to me.
Some would say I’m reckless (my mum would, but then my mother thinks
‘Yes,’ I say looking at him. ‘It’s scary as hell but I do. I mean, it’s not sunk in yet, and this isn’t conventional. Actually it’s utterly mental! But…’
But what? I think.
‘But to have an abortion would feel like the coward’s way out,’ I say, and for that moment I really believe what I’m saying. ‘It would feel like not choosing life. Not just literally in terms of the baby, but for me, for us.’
Jim gets hold of my hand. We’re right on top of the bridge now and the wind is blowing our hair sideways, making our eyes sting.
‘I agree, Tess, it’s alright, I agree…’ He says beaming at me now.
‘And the main reason,’ I add.
‘What’s the main reason?’ Jim asks.
‘In the future, the years to come, I couldn’t deal with what could have happened, you know?’
‘I know, I know.’
‘I couldn’t deal with what might have been.’
CHAPTER FIVE
‘I knew as soon as I set eyes on Mac that I was in big trouble. At fifty to my twenty-six, he was way too old. But he was so bloody sexy – a big hairy bear on wheels, how could I resist that? People stare when he’s pushing Layla down the street in his leathers and old enough to be her grandad but I don’t care. He’s not what I expected, but he’s a kitten. The most loving dad Layla could ever wish for.’
Georgie, 27, Brighton
I could tell Jim was secretly delighted by his own virility – by the fact that he shot and he scored. But I also knew, despite his usual optimism, that he was freaked out beyond belief.
The days that followed were totally surreal.We were both – we still are – in a state of shock and took to calling each other sometimes three times a day with phone calls that went a bit this.
Me: Hello
Jim: Hello
Long pause
Jim: How are you feeling?
Me: Weird. How are you feeling?
Jim: Yeah, weird
Long pause
Jim: I’m going to be a dad, I can’t believe it
Me: You can’t believe it!? Try being the one who’s got to carry the thing for nine months
Jim: I thought I wouldn’t be able to have kids though, that I’d have killed all my strong swimmers with all the booze I’ve quaffed
(See, I was so right about the virility thing)
Me: Well you can and it’s true
Jim: I know, I just can’t believe it though, it’s like it’s happening to someone else
That particular line was not that encouraging. And I told him so.
We’re on the fourth floor of Borders on Oxford Street in the Parenting section.
I need to say that again.
We’re on the fourth floor of Borders on Oxford Street in the Parenting section.
Nope. Still sounds ridiculous.
I lean against the bookshelf leafing through a book called Bundle of Joy: 101 Real Stories of Motherhood as if I do this every day, as if I do, actually, belong to this weird species, most of them mutant-shaped, milling around the shop floor, hand in hand: ‘The Expectants’.
But I am not expectant. At no point did I ever expect this! When that positive test emerged it was categorically the most unexpected thing I have ever experienced in my life. Things like this don’t happen to me, they happen to the people I interview – everything happens to the people I interview, but not to me.
My life has been one big cushy ride so far, which is why I’ve always blagged it when it comes to taking precautionsagainst life’s eventualities. After all, the less stuff happens to you, the less you think it will, don’t you? I never did lie awake at night, dissecting my last session of oral sex and panicking that I hadn’t listened in Biology and it was perfectly feasible to get pregnant from a blow job after all. I rolled my eyes at Mrs Tucker our ‘personal health’ teacher – you can imagine what she got called – who said you could get pregnant by withdrawal – something that evoked all the risk of a banking transaction to me.
Some would say I’m reckless (my mum would, but then my mother thinks
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