hovered over like a watchdog, protective, alert,
careful.
Obsessive.
He wasn't always like
that. Or maybe he was, but I was so desperate for someone I made
myself blind to it. I wanted a brother. I wanted a friend. I wanted
someone to understand the way I was sure he could.
But he wasn't a
brother. He wanted to be more than a friend. For a time he was my
boyfriend. He never left me, not even when Grandma did. For his
loyalty I felt obligated to let him touch me, to let him absorb my
softness as if it could be his own.
He didn't disappoint me
the way my parents did. For his constancy I let him take me away. I
let him pretend the life we led was normal. I let him pretend we were normal.
He was a constant in my
life, the only thing that never left me. But in the end I dealt him
the ultimate betrayal.
I fled.
He might try to look
for me, but the rest of them wouldn't, not with everything that
happened that night, not with what I did. If they were to look for
me, they'd start with New York where I led them to believe I had a
dream of going. Then they might branch out to the other cities. They
might think I want to hide in the big city. They would never think to
look for me here, right under their nose; attending a school I never
had any intention of attending. The money Grandma spent years saving
was enough for one year of tuition and housing. Next year I would
need to apply for financial aid. Next year, I may only be able to
attend one class or maybe two. It doesn't matter, I remind
myself. One step at a time. If I graduate college, I will be
the first Hendricks woman to do so.
I will be the first to
have succeeded in society.
The thought should
cheer me, but it only serves to remind me of how high each obstacle
is, how much I have to overcome.
The night air isn't as
chilly as I thought it would be. There's a group nearby.
Automatically, I walk around them, stepping onto the sidewalk. I see
lights and bodies. I hear laughter and bits of conversation carried
by the wind.
"Cheers…so she
said…"
"Dry humping all
over the streets…"
"Hey!"
I keep my head down,
wondering how far I have to walk before my body becomes as tired as
my mind.
"Hey!"
I think about Maddie's
and how I have to be there at ten tomorrow morning. Will Alaina be
there?
"Hey!" A hand
grasps my arm. "Someone so small shouldn't be allowed to walk so
fast. Isn't there a law of physics against that or something?"
I have to blink twice
before I can believe who's in front of me. Pax flashes me his
signature one-dimpled grin. "What are you doing out here by
yourself?" he asks.
"What are you ?"
I counter back.
He laughs. "I'm
with the guys, actually. I saw you walk by and followed you."
"Worried I'm going
to roll down the sidewalk?"
"I figure you
learned your lesson the first time," he answers with a familiar
amused glint in his eye. "But it's better to be safe than
sorry."
"I had a little
too much to drink that night," I admit.
"It happens,"
he shrugs. "One time during my sophomore year I got drunk and
hid in a tree for three hours. The guys only found me because I dozed
off and fell down."
I gasp. "Oh no!
Were you hurt?"
"A couple
stitches. A dislocated shoulder. Nothing a big tough guy like me
can't handle," he winks.
"I'm sure."
"You know what I
just realized? I don't know your name. I know you lose buttons on
your shirts when you drink-"
I gasp, as a shade the
color of strawberries covers my face. "That- that was an
accident! Someone did it on purpose to me. She told me I'd thank her
later…" I drift off as I realize how ridiculous I sound.
"'Accident' and
'on purpose' don't usually go together in a sentence. Did you drink
tonight?" he teases.
"No," I
protest. I shake my head for emphasis. "It was my first time,"
I reveal.
"So now I know
you've only drank once in your life, you work at Maddie’s, and you
had one night of spontaneity. That's four things," he holds up
four fingers. "What's your name?"
I hesitate, debating
whether I
careful.
Obsessive.
He wasn't always like
that. Or maybe he was, but I was so desperate for someone I made
myself blind to it. I wanted a brother. I wanted a friend. I wanted
someone to understand the way I was sure he could.
But he wasn't a
brother. He wanted to be more than a friend. For a time he was my
boyfriend. He never left me, not even when Grandma did. For his
loyalty I felt obligated to let him touch me, to let him absorb my
softness as if it could be his own.
He didn't disappoint me
the way my parents did. For his constancy I let him take me away. I
let him pretend the life we led was normal. I let him pretend we were normal.
He was a constant in my
life, the only thing that never left me. But in the end I dealt him
the ultimate betrayal.
I fled.
He might try to look
for me, but the rest of them wouldn't, not with everything that
happened that night, not with what I did. If they were to look for
me, they'd start with New York where I led them to believe I had a
dream of going. Then they might branch out to the other cities. They
might think I want to hide in the big city. They would never think to
look for me here, right under their nose; attending a school I never
had any intention of attending. The money Grandma spent years saving
was enough for one year of tuition and housing. Next year I would
need to apply for financial aid. Next year, I may only be able to
attend one class or maybe two. It doesn't matter, I remind
myself. One step at a time. If I graduate college, I will be
the first Hendricks woman to do so.
I will be the first to
have succeeded in society.
The thought should
cheer me, but it only serves to remind me of how high each obstacle
is, how much I have to overcome.
The night air isn't as
chilly as I thought it would be. There's a group nearby.
Automatically, I walk around them, stepping onto the sidewalk. I see
lights and bodies. I hear laughter and bits of conversation carried
by the wind.
"Cheers…so she
said…"
"Dry humping all
over the streets…"
"Hey!"
I keep my head down,
wondering how far I have to walk before my body becomes as tired as
my mind.
"Hey!"
I think about Maddie's
and how I have to be there at ten tomorrow morning. Will Alaina be
there?
"Hey!" A hand
grasps my arm. "Someone so small shouldn't be allowed to walk so
fast. Isn't there a law of physics against that or something?"
I have to blink twice
before I can believe who's in front of me. Pax flashes me his
signature one-dimpled grin. "What are you doing out here by
yourself?" he asks.
"What are you ?"
I counter back.
He laughs. "I'm
with the guys, actually. I saw you walk by and followed you."
"Worried I'm going
to roll down the sidewalk?"
"I figure you
learned your lesson the first time," he answers with a familiar
amused glint in his eye. "But it's better to be safe than
sorry."
"I had a little
too much to drink that night," I admit.
"It happens,"
he shrugs. "One time during my sophomore year I got drunk and
hid in a tree for three hours. The guys only found me because I dozed
off and fell down."
I gasp. "Oh no!
Were you hurt?"
"A couple
stitches. A dislocated shoulder. Nothing a big tough guy like me
can't handle," he winks.
"I'm sure."
"You know what I
just realized? I don't know your name. I know you lose buttons on
your shirts when you drink-"
I gasp, as a shade the
color of strawberries covers my face. "That- that was an
accident! Someone did it on purpose to me. She told me I'd thank her
later…" I drift off as I realize how ridiculous I sound.
"'Accident' and
'on purpose' don't usually go together in a sentence. Did you drink
tonight?" he teases.
"No," I
protest. I shake my head for emphasis. "It was my first time,"
I reveal.
"So now I know
you've only drank once in your life, you work at Maddie’s, and you
had one night of spontaneity. That's four things," he holds up
four fingers. "What's your name?"
I hesitate, debating
whether I
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