Read Online One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories by B. J. Novak - Free Book Online

hour, and then finally you slept on the left side of the bed which was perfect b/c I sleep on the right. I slept on my back which you said was pretentious and I said “what do you mean? That’s just how I sleep! How can it be pretentious?” and you said “like you think you’re a beautiful angel or something” and I said “maybe you’re just really into me” and we kissed again. Then you turned to sleep on your stomach w/ your head facing left and I said “doesn’t that hurt your neck?” and you said for some reason usually not, but sometimes yes, and that your fantasy when you were a kid was to get a bed with a hollowed out hole straight down from the pillowso you could sleep with your head face down and straight and I said, “Like a massage chair?” and it turned out you had never had a massage, so I said let’s go this weekend so you could check out if that was similar to what you had been thinking of as a kid, and if it’s how you want to sleep, it’d be weird, but hey, it’s your life, and you laughed and said “deal” twice. “Deal. Deal.” Like that. Then you realized your phone (a Motorola) had died and I didn’t have the right charger, and you said that’s probably a sign that you should get going anyway and take care of some stuff at home, and I said cool, and then we made a plan that you’d come over on Friday and I’d have to cook a dinner that included every single ingredient that I had in those Trader Joe’s bags, Iron Chef style. But then the next day, you didn’t come over or call to explain why, or reschedule it. I know that I gave you my number but now I realize that sometimes I write numbers in a scribble, especially when I’m excited, which I was, so maybe you haven’t been able to decode it or left a message for the wrong number. I know this sounds crazy to say after one encounter but I kind of fell for you pretty hard & it has been forever since I’ve connected to anyone like this & my heart is kind of broken in a million pieces. Hit me up if you think anything in this description matches
anything
you remember, and if so, maybe we can chill sometime? You were wearing a red t-shirt with a pocket.

I Never Want to Walk on the Moon
    I never want to walk on the moon.
    Just because so few people have ever done it, people assume it’s this great thing they should be jealous of and should want to do, too.
    But is it that great?
    Let’s break it down. Here is what actually happens.
    You go into a space capsule. Very cramped. It takes three or four days just to get there.
Days
. Then, you’re still in the capsule for
six hours
waiting to get out. Can you imagine? Taking a flight that lasts three to four
days
—and then, when you finally get there, somebody tells you,
Sorry, we have to wait another six hours to deplane
? Those six hours probably feel even longer than the rest of the flight.
    You also have to wear this unbelievably heavy suit and helmet the whole time. If you don’t? You die.
    Finally, you get out, ready to stretch your legs and go on this amazing walk … and … you can barely move! After all that! Have you seen video of these guys? They’re plodding forward, bobbing up and down with almost no gravity, like slowly floating their way to the next step more than walking.
    Then, hope you liked your moon walk—because it’s going to take another three to four days just to get back. And even though it’s the same length of time, it probably feels a lot longer because you’ve already done the “fun” part. And then there’s re-acclimating.
    I am a pretty serious walker. It is my main form of both exercise and recreation. And I know of at least a dozen walks within fifteen minutes of my front door that make for a better walking experience on every single level. They don’t require space suits or eight full days away from your loved ones. You don’t have asteroids flying at your space ship. Just a bunch of beautiful, beautiful paths, where you’ll see