Literally ran. I didnât stop until I was far from the school and Max wouldnât be able to find me. I walked home in the darkness, my hands in my pockets, tears streaming down my face. I was still in the Great Space, but this time I could feel fear.
Real fear.
I had just flicked the lights in front of the entire school. I had lost my last bit of control.
My fear started to turn to anger. I didnât want to go home and do the Routine. I didnât want to spend three hours getting into bed. I just wanted to be like Max and Taj and the other kids.
I didnât want to be crazy.
When I got home, I snuck inside. My dad was in the basement, and my mom was watching TV in her bedroom. The house was quiet. I slipped off my shoes, my cheeks still hot with tears. I was furious.
I wanted desperately to skip the Routine, but I couldnât. I ended up walking back and forth to the bathroom for one hundred and forty-nine steps, shouting silent pleas and shaking and trying to go to bed before I turned back and did it again. When I heard my mom stirring, I finally made it to the bathroom, and I brushed my teeth until my gums were bleeding, and kept going until the toothpaste was red. My hands were shaking, but I couldnât stop. If I stopped, I was going to die. I wasnât going to wake up. I used two rolls of toilet paper and clogged the toilet, and I felt my face twisting and tears spilling as I used the plunger. I washed my hands until they were pink and it felt like the skin was peeling off. I heard more movement in my parentsâ room and stopped, and then I hurried back to my room and flicked the lights. My face was sopping wet with sweat and tears. Sometimes I thought I didnât want to wake up anyway, and then I got scared and I flicked the switch again. It took me hours. I cried the whole time, my body racked with pain, and I would scream out in silence and fall on my knees and sometimes think I couldnât do it anymore. That it would be easier to be gone. But I was afraid of death. I was afraid of everything.
I did the whole Routine in perfect silence. When my dad went to bed, I turned the lights off and climbed into bed. He poked his head inside.
âHow was the dance?â he asked.
âOkay,â I said. I had the blanket over my face. I couldnât let him see me.
He hesitated. âI heard you walking around a bit. Everything all right?â
I was glad the blanket was covering my face. âYeah. Sorry. Just . . . had a bit of a stomach thing. I feel fine now.â
âGood,â he said, sounding unconvinced. âWell, get some sleep. We can talk in the morning.â
When the bedroom door closed, I started again. I flicked the light switch until my hand was numb. I couldnât fix it. The numbers were wrong. Everything was wrong.
Of course I could never date Raya. Not because I was the backup kicker or had toothpick arms.
I could never date her, because I was crazy. And I was afraid.
I lay in bed until my eyes grew heavy and the darkness took me.
CHAPTER 8
The mornings are usually my favorite time of the day. I feel fresh. The Great Space is usually gone, and for a few seconds I am too tired to think about Zaps. Itâs almost peaceful. But today I woke up and wished for the sun to go away. I wasnât ready to go back to school. I didnât want to face the other kids after last night. It was Halloween, which I had almost forgotten. Some kids would be dressed up at schoolâmaybe I could wear a mask. But they donât let you wear masks to school. That would be too convenient.
I lay there for a while, thinking about my book. Today I wanted to wake up and be the only human on earth.
I wondered if a part of me had always wanted that.
After rolling out of bed, I pulled on a hoodie and some faded jeans, shoved my hands into my pockets, and went downstairs. It was already one of those mornings where it feels like you ate something rotten. It
Real fear.
I had just flicked the lights in front of the entire school. I had lost my last bit of control.
My fear started to turn to anger. I didnât want to go home and do the Routine. I didnât want to spend three hours getting into bed. I just wanted to be like Max and Taj and the other kids.
I didnât want to be crazy.
When I got home, I snuck inside. My dad was in the basement, and my mom was watching TV in her bedroom. The house was quiet. I slipped off my shoes, my cheeks still hot with tears. I was furious.
I wanted desperately to skip the Routine, but I couldnât. I ended up walking back and forth to the bathroom for one hundred and forty-nine steps, shouting silent pleas and shaking and trying to go to bed before I turned back and did it again. When I heard my mom stirring, I finally made it to the bathroom, and I brushed my teeth until my gums were bleeding, and kept going until the toothpaste was red. My hands were shaking, but I couldnât stop. If I stopped, I was going to die. I wasnât going to wake up. I used two rolls of toilet paper and clogged the toilet, and I felt my face twisting and tears spilling as I used the plunger. I washed my hands until they were pink and it felt like the skin was peeling off. I heard more movement in my parentsâ room and stopped, and then I hurried back to my room and flicked the lights. My face was sopping wet with sweat and tears. Sometimes I thought I didnât want to wake up anyway, and then I got scared and I flicked the switch again. It took me hours. I cried the whole time, my body racked with pain, and I would scream out in silence and fall on my knees and sometimes think I couldnât do it anymore. That it would be easier to be gone. But I was afraid of death. I was afraid of everything.
I did the whole Routine in perfect silence. When my dad went to bed, I turned the lights off and climbed into bed. He poked his head inside.
âHow was the dance?â he asked.
âOkay,â I said. I had the blanket over my face. I couldnât let him see me.
He hesitated. âI heard you walking around a bit. Everything all right?â
I was glad the blanket was covering my face. âYeah. Sorry. Just . . . had a bit of a stomach thing. I feel fine now.â
âGood,â he said, sounding unconvinced. âWell, get some sleep. We can talk in the morning.â
When the bedroom door closed, I started again. I flicked the light switch until my hand was numb. I couldnât fix it. The numbers were wrong. Everything was wrong.
Of course I could never date Raya. Not because I was the backup kicker or had toothpick arms.
I could never date her, because I was crazy. And I was afraid.
I lay in bed until my eyes grew heavy and the darkness took me.
CHAPTER 8
The mornings are usually my favorite time of the day. I feel fresh. The Great Space is usually gone, and for a few seconds I am too tired to think about Zaps. Itâs almost peaceful. But today I woke up and wished for the sun to go away. I wasnât ready to go back to school. I didnât want to face the other kids after last night. It was Halloween, which I had almost forgotten. Some kids would be dressed up at schoolâmaybe I could wear a mask. But they donât let you wear masks to school. That would be too convenient.
I lay there for a while, thinking about my book. Today I wanted to wake up and be the only human on earth.
I wondered if a part of me had always wanted that.
After rolling out of bed, I pulled on a hoodie and some faded jeans, shoved my hands into my pockets, and went downstairs. It was already one of those mornings where it feels like you ate something rotten. It
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