Read Online Obnoxious Librarian from Hades by Dennie Heye - Free Book Online
Authors: Dennie Heye
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thanks - I can't seem to find the internal standards for setting up DPERs."
"I see"
"Well, can you help me?"
"Please tell me more about your problem."
"Like I said, I can't find the standards for DPERs."
"That sounds interesting. Tell me more about DPERs."
"You know DPERs, don't you? Those are our company standards."
"Why do you worry about company standards?"
"I don't worry about them!! I want to find them!!"
"What would it mean to you if you find the DPERs?"
"I need to finish my project asap!"
"That is quite interesting. Tell me more."
"I don't have TIME to tell you about my project. I need the DPERs FAST!!"
"You seem agitated. Why is that?"
"You are not helping me! Can you help me find the standards or not??"
"Why do you think I am not helping you?"
"You don't answer my questions. For one last time: where are the DPERS??!!"
"You seem obsessed with DPERs. I will transfer this chat session to the company psychologist for further discussion."
And off they go. It sometimes breaks my heart to see how hard working colleagues buckle under the pressure. But of course I am always there to steer them towards professional help.
The one where we use smoke and mirrors
It is Tuesday afternoon in the library around 4 PM and I'm listening to some old Steely Dan albums whilst messing up the new expense claim system. In the past I would get a monthly budget for document delivery based on the average of the past year's data. This saved me from a lot of hassle, which of course goes against the grain of our detail-obsessed, spreadsheet-hugging, bureaucratic finance staff. So they figured out that if they cannot force me to take a salary cut, they can at least lower my job satisfaction.
So now every tiny expense has to be filed separately in the expense claim system. This system was built by a software engineer who hates people and life in general. It defies any Windows menu logic, has no help screens and uses different icons for the same purpose. So on one page you have to click a green block to confirm, on another screen you should use the little disc icon or a green flag. Well, it keeps you concentrated.
The one thing that drives me absolutely nuts is that the expense claim system does not give any feedback. When you click on a menu item, there is not hourglass indicating you have to wait. No, the screen freezes and you don't know what is happening. So you click again. Wrong. Now you have to wait twice as long.
I have demonstrated that it takes me twice as long to use the system compared to the actual work of ordering a document. But I am obliged to use the system. Which means war. So I have developed a script that splits all my invoices into 10-cent claims and then feeds them into the expense management system automatically. So right now I’m feeding the system an average of 155 invoices per minute. Funny - the expense management system goes down after 5 minutes.
Just when I lean back in my chair to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done, my boss knocks on my door.
"Well, ehm, could I perhaps ask for a favor?"
I sigh.
"Remember I had to demonstrate the records management system to the top leadership team six months ago?"
"Yes, you told me they all loved it and assigned you a bonus."
"Well, I may have overstated the features of the system slightly."
"Like how?"
"The Chief Diversity Officer was critical about the ease of use and said he would only use it if he could have his records filed automatically by e-mailing them to the system. I know that is not possible, but I may have given the impression that it would be possible in 6 months… ."
I fold my arms and smirk: "then you've got a problem."
"Yes, yes, I know, because the top leadership is meeting again next Friday and in the meeting notes I have an action to demonstrate this feature. So… perhaps you could mock it up?"
"Let me get this straight. Six months ago you took all the credit for MY work, plus you made a promise that you cannot keep. Then you
"I see"
"Well, can you help me?"
"Please tell me more about your problem."
"Like I said, I can't find the standards for DPERs."
"That sounds interesting. Tell me more about DPERs."
"You know DPERs, don't you? Those are our company standards."
"Why do you worry about company standards?"
"I don't worry about them!! I want to find them!!"
"What would it mean to you if you find the DPERs?"
"I need to finish my project asap!"
"That is quite interesting. Tell me more."
"I don't have TIME to tell you about my project. I need the DPERs FAST!!"
"You seem agitated. Why is that?"
"You are not helping me! Can you help me find the standards or not??"
"Why do you think I am not helping you?"
"You don't answer my questions. For one last time: where are the DPERS??!!"
"You seem obsessed with DPERs. I will transfer this chat session to the company psychologist for further discussion."
And off they go. It sometimes breaks my heart to see how hard working colleagues buckle under the pressure. But of course I am always there to steer them towards professional help.
The one where we use smoke and mirrors
It is Tuesday afternoon in the library around 4 PM and I'm listening to some old Steely Dan albums whilst messing up the new expense claim system. In the past I would get a monthly budget for document delivery based on the average of the past year's data. This saved me from a lot of hassle, which of course goes against the grain of our detail-obsessed, spreadsheet-hugging, bureaucratic finance staff. So they figured out that if they cannot force me to take a salary cut, they can at least lower my job satisfaction.
So now every tiny expense has to be filed separately in the expense claim system. This system was built by a software engineer who hates people and life in general. It defies any Windows menu logic, has no help screens and uses different icons for the same purpose. So on one page you have to click a green block to confirm, on another screen you should use the little disc icon or a green flag. Well, it keeps you concentrated.
The one thing that drives me absolutely nuts is that the expense claim system does not give any feedback. When you click on a menu item, there is not hourglass indicating you have to wait. No, the screen freezes and you don't know what is happening. So you click again. Wrong. Now you have to wait twice as long.
I have demonstrated that it takes me twice as long to use the system compared to the actual work of ordering a document. But I am obliged to use the system. Which means war. So I have developed a script that splits all my invoices into 10-cent claims and then feeds them into the expense management system automatically. So right now I’m feeding the system an average of 155 invoices per minute. Funny - the expense management system goes down after 5 minutes.
Just when I lean back in my chair to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done, my boss knocks on my door.
"Well, ehm, could I perhaps ask for a favor?"
I sigh.
"Remember I had to demonstrate the records management system to the top leadership team six months ago?"
"Yes, you told me they all loved it and assigned you a bonus."
"Well, I may have overstated the features of the system slightly."
"Like how?"
"The Chief Diversity Officer was critical about the ease of use and said he would only use it if he could have his records filed automatically by e-mailing them to the system. I know that is not possible, but I may have given the impression that it would be possible in 6 months… ."
I fold my arms and smirk: "then you've got a problem."
"Yes, yes, I know, because the top leadership is meeting again next Friday and in the meeting notes I have an action to demonstrate this feature. So… perhaps you could mock it up?"
"Let me get this straight. Six months ago you took all the credit for MY work, plus you made a promise that you cannot keep. Then you
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